(Closed) In a very dark place

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

anonmenon :  get out now. It’ll be hard to tell family and friends the wedding is off, but it’ll be harder to live with this drunk on a daily basis, being the one to care for him like the child he is, and not having a partner in life that you can rely on.  If you stay with him, you will be alone in your marriage, because I guarantee he isn’t going to magically man up and be your partner on your wedding day.

Post # 47
Member
2928 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

anonmenon :  I’m glad he’s seeing a new physican, but I would not be surprised to hear that he DOES just gloss over everything and say nothing is wrong.  I have several family members and my boyfriend works in health care and in general, men minimize symptoms and problems, many times to the point where they are outright lying.  If he is truly serious about getting help, would you be able to go with him to the appointment?

I’m a bit surprised that alcohol still seems to be treated as innocuous; maybe because I have heard stories for years on the damage it causes.  Maybe if it were linked to one specific disease (ie like smoking being linked to lung cancer) less people would be inclinded to drink to excess.

Post # 49
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

anonmenon :  Well, my SO hit bottom when I left him and two days later he almost got fired from his job because of almost showing up drunk – he’s an airline pilot and it’s a no-questions-asked: FIRED. kind of thing. Clarifying: he NEVER flew an airplane drunk, he just didn’t show up to work, and with so many random days off without a notice, his boss got suspicious. But my SO never saw the seriousness of it. So when I dumped him and moved out of the apartment with my things, he went on a drinking spree and his boss sent him to AL Anon with a suspension.

At this point I deleted him off everywhere and wasn’t aware of anything going on in his life, until a year later when we met with his sponsor for coffee, and he said how he hadn’t had a single drop since that day, he quit cold-turkey, and we talked and so on. I took a chance to believe him and so far, he’s been good with it. But I can’t tell you how many times before I had hinted, and asked, and then outright demanded that he get help and he wouldn’t listen. His family, me, and his non-alcoholic friends couldn’t make him get better until he saw his life falling apart.

If you leave your SO and he is as needy as your other post hinted (that he cried about you leaving fo a week), then trust me, he’ll do anything to make you stay. But you don’t want grand acts that will last a month tops, you want the bigger picture. So whatever he does, postpone the wedding. It’s too soon for him to get better. Having a couple of days without drinking is a start, but by no means a guarantee of anything. Give him a future worth maintaining- having kids, a family, everything he’s wanted that’s not drinkin-related. Set short-term goals and celebrate with something that he wouldn’t associate with drinking, and of course you’ll have to stop drinking too to support him (I know, I know…)

Give it time regardless. If you marry him like this, he’ll just get the notion that it’s not such a big deal, because in his mind, it isn’t!  

Stay strong, bee. We support you whatever you choose to do xoxo

Post # 50
Member
4823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

anonmenon :   Cancel the wedding and fire your therapist.

Do not marry someone with an drinking problem.  Just don’t.  You won’t be able to rely on him, ever.  And I’m certain you do not want to raise children with him for an example.

 

Post # 51
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

You mentioned Children so I only have the following questions for you to help you make a decision (I won’t tell you what to do, you need to reach the decision and own it):

will you let him give the baby medicine when the baby is sick and you are away? 

will you leave your 2 year old with him for dinner with a stove on and having to cook? 

will you let him pick up your 8 year old from soccer practice? 

think about the implications of each of these scenarios and that should help you. 

Post # 52
Member
1200 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Malibou Lake Mountain Club

anonmenon :  wow. What your therapist (as a therapist myself) said was awful. He requires some help to assist with his excessive drinking. Your concerns are beyond valid. Id not only recommend Couples counseling, but also discuss with his doctor concerns, and encourage you to weigh your options on pros/cons regarding the relationship at this point. I can only imagine how much you love him, and are you concerned for more than just his drinking. How is YOUR safety? 

Post # 53
Member
2166 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

anonmenon :  I hate to tell you this, he is an alcoholic. No question about it. They come in different shapes and forms but binge drinking counts for sure.

I’m not going to tell you what to do or to “walk away” anybody that knows me on the Bee knows that my husband is a recovering alcoholic and I didn’t really come to the realization of the full scale of his issues until we were a few months out from our wedding. We got married anyway. Things were usually okay but there were some nights he drank way more that “usual” and he was black out drunk. He got a DUI at 21 and he was only 24 when we married. He was going down a very dark path. He’s been in recovery for just over 2 years and he’s fallen off the wagon a time or two. It takes A LOT to be married to someone that goes through this but after about 1.5 years on the recovery road he got super serious and he’s been stellar since. But even to this day, not even a couple weeks ago, he had me do our precautions to help hold him accountable to not drink which include: him giving me any cash he has, taking his personal credit card, and puting alerts on our bank account anytime a transaction takes place. These are things we do regularly to support him and I’m a sober sally right along side him to support him.

If all of those things sound overwhelming and the fact that you’re going to have to let him hit rock bottom and want to help himself out first before your begging and pleading make him want to get better, then I would reevaluate your relationship. It’s not easy and there were many times I wanted to walk away but stuck by him and in the process I had to deal with anxiety and stress. 

Just giving you a real life perspective on it so you can see how it is. 

Post # 54
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

anonmenon :  your mum is an issue too! I’m sorry but why are you so lucky? Because you are 33?!? No you have not got to settle and think yourself lucky, to be honest he is the lucky one having a fiance putting up with his bad behaviour and embarrassing moments and lack of a real social time as a respectful couple together. I’m 36 and got married a few months ago, I went to my mother crying 3 years ago saying I’ll never find someone, she laughed and said it will happen but just enjoy yourself, you have time and never ever settle or rush into something that isn’t right just to fit the timeframes and norms of others as THATs when regret sets in…

Post # 55
Member
2326 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

This guy will be dead in less than 10 years at this rate.

Save yourself.

 

Post # 56
Member
4898 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Cancel the wedding and leave him. Make him want to get the help he desperately needs. You’re signing up for heartache and headaches if you marry him as is.

Post # 57
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2006

I know this is all very overwhelming for you. But this is going to be a long process. If you’re willing to walk with him through it you need to be 100% sure that he is clean and has a support system set up for himself to keep him that way. What I want to share though is that I work on a renal floor at the hospital and I can say that alcoholics and smokers die the most horrible deaths. If he already has all of these health issues at such a young age, you need to be prepared to face what is coming for him. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to suck for him and everyone that loves him to watch him suffer the consequences of his choices.

my final words are that I know its all coming down on you at once as your eyes have been opened but you really either need to prepare yourself to walk away, or prepare yourself to postpone the wedding until all of this is taken care of and you can trust him as a husband and father. Do not marry him like this. There’s a reason you’re feeling depressed and anxious, your gut is telling you this isn’t right. Saying “I do” is only going to make it worse. The brakes need to be put on. Follow your instincts and listen to yourself no matter how hard it may seem. 

Post # 58
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

He is an alcoholic and until he changes his ways and gets the help he needs, you’re in for a horrible ride if you marry him. 

If you do marry him, I hope he doesn’t embarrass you on your wedding day because that is exactly what I see happening. Your day could be forever sullied by his drinking and acting out, not to mention your family and friends will be talking about it. Good luck to you! 

Post # 59
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

anonmenon :  Don’t settle bee. Whether that means cancelling the wedding or leaving him only you can decide – just don’t settle. 

Post # 60
Member
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

One, Never marry an active alcoholic. It’ll ruin your life and those of your children for a very long time. Eventually you might be able to leave him, but your children won’t ever stop being children of alcoholics. Ever. Look at the Ala-teen forums or Adult Children of Alcoholics forums for a sobering outlook of the kind of future you’d be signing up for. 

Two, fire your current therapist ASAP.

Three, when you find a new one, or you have your stable Al-Anon group, start working on how important you felt when he really needed you SO much. As in, start working on your side of this codependent relationship Bee. 

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