(Closed) In a very dark place

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

You may truly beleive he is the right person, but he is not the right person right now. 

I think you need to extract yourself from the situation, make it very clear that you still love him and will support him if he’s willing to get help, and call the wedding off for the forseeable future. 

He has to stop drinking for him, otherwise it won’t stick. As someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent, who frequently forgot about them at dance class, made a scene at soccer games, and embarassed me in front of my friends, I can tell you that my mom would have never entered into that situation if she had known. 

That said, my Dad has now been sober for 8 years, but it did take over 20 years before he realised he needed help. There is hope, but only if he’s willing. 

Post # 62
Member
1911 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I dated an alcoholic once, and dumped him. Addiction is very risky to take a gamble on. Personally, I wouldn’t marry him. A person can be a good person, but that doesn’t make them marriage material.

Post # 63
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

My mother is the child of an alcoholic father who died of drinking-related illness when she was 19, leaving my grandmother with five kids on her own. 

My father hid his earlier problems with substances from my mother, she said she would never have married him if she’d known. By the time I was two she suspected something was wrong. She didn’t trust him to take care of me, he was taking money out of their savings to spend, and he insisted nothing was wrong. They got divorced a couple years later and he has been on and off the wagon since. She made me promise that I would never marry an addict. And that, should something happen with someone I was already in a relationship with, I would act quickly and decisively to get help. 

Postpone the wedding, and say that your condition for staying is that he gets himself to an AA meeting. If he won’t admit he has a problem, and he won’t even begin to seek help, you aren’t going to get the life you want with the person he is right now. 

I’m sorry bee. As a child who has watched her father slowly kill himself for 25 years because of problems with alcohol and drugs I would recommend very strongly against moving your life forward with someone in complete denial about his situation. 

Post # 64
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Also, I would recommend you speak to some people who have experienced marriage with an alcoholic. Al Anon would be helpful for this. 

Post # 65
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Like a PP, my father was an alcholic who was a very kind sweet person. He never abused my mother or me and my brother but my mother had to leave him because he had a severe problem. It was tough on all of us. My mother thought he would get better and he was a good man but he couldn’t. He ended up homeless and was found dead in a park by a jogger and he was not even 50. Unless your Fiance gets some serious help do not marry him. Post-pone the wedding if you’re not sure but do not marry him and hope things change. If he denies having a problem then you need to leave.

Post # 66
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

Reading through this thread made me so sad. I’m the child of an alcoholic and wouldn’t wish that on any child. I hope you think long and hard about your future and the repercussions of staying with this man. I know you love him and none of us here can make this decision for you, but you have A LOTTTTT to think about. Good luck, bee 💐❤️

Post # 67
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My 2 cents…

Al-Anon is great.  I would also get another therapist, and think long and hard about if you want this to be the rest of your life.

That aside, I’ll give you another personal experience.  Something to think about.  My mom was the daughter of an alcoholic.  He wasn’t phsycially abusive to my grandmother or mother, but the emotional scars of growing up with an unstable, erratic, unsupportive father are with her to this day.  My grandfather’s drinking destroyed his children’s childhoods, and they’ve all struggled a great deal in their adult lives.  

Good luck, bee.

Post # 68
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Its one thing to marry an addict in recovery but, quite another to marry someone who will not acknowledge they have a problem.

My birth father was a functioning alcoholic when my mom married him, she was young and just lost her parents.. She says she knew he had a problem but, didn’t have anyone else in her life and wanted to believe he would take steps to better himself. She left him 3 years later after my brother and I were born because it became very clear he wasn’t willing and she didn’t want us to be raised in an environment like that. His illness progressed and its caused my family a lot of pain and suffering.. My mom was lucky enough to find my stepfather and my brother and I were raised the way she wanted us to be but, its been tough to deal with to say the least.

Right now its just you.. And as hard as it may be to call off a wedding, its easier than getting a divorce. If you can’t break it off completely, at least post-pone and express your concerns to him as clearly as you did to us.

Post # 70
Member
6538 posts
Bee Keeper

anonmenon :  Good steps, Bee. Your therapist sounds as if he needs a therapist more than you do. Did he say what his “style” of therapy is? Perhaps look for someone whose foundation is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and can help you set and reach personal goals while addressing any internal roadblocks you may have. (We all do.)

Whenever I’m not drinking for any reason I’ll often just order a tonic and lime when I’m out with friends who are or make myself a tasty mocktail at home. Just like I still made coffee many mornings when I didn’t drink it due to morning sickness while pregnant, there is something about rituals that are hard to break. 

 

Post # 71
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

anonmenon :  OMG sounds like you need new therapist to discuss your old therapist! Good for you for breaking it off with ther therapist tho! And for seeking out al anon, im confident it would be helpful for you. 

How has your Fiance been coping with not drinking in between liver tests?

Post # 73
Member
6538 posts
Bee Keeper

anonmenon :  Do your own research. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach and many skillful therapists combine different approaches depending upon the needs of their client. I’m sorry, but your therapist doesn’t sound as if he’s been helpful. (That’s me being generous.) It’s like dating–you keep trying until you find the right match.

Before you leave perhaps experiment with some mocktails and then challenge your Fiance to develop some own while you are gone? All the better if they require hand-squeezing, muddling, special ice cubes, etc. If he can pre-plan some distractions (binge-watching a series, cleaning out the garage, etc.) to help fill up the time while youare gone it may help as well. Does he have any supportive friends or family members who can stay with or otherwise check in on him?

Can you get your friends on board to support your choices? You don’t have to tell them everything, but even a heads up that your Fiance addressing some health issues and won’t be drinking as a result? If they can’t respect this perhaps a break from these friends is indeed in order. 

Last, and despite the above, you are not his keeper. He is a grown man responsible for his own decisions. He knows what his choices are and what the consequences may be. You can love him and still do what’s best for you. 

Post # 75
Member
267 posts
Helper bee

Other PPs have great advice about your husbands drinking, so I just came on here to comment wtf about your therapist?! So glad you’re not seeing him anymore. You should never feel scared to leave a therapist and I would consider reporting him (is that a thing? I don’t know) if I were you. Holy cow. Maybe I’m just totally misinformed but that whole deal sounded super off to me. Also, considering almost everything else he said is nonsense, I would reaaalllly think hard about whether you do have this “problem” he snatched out of thin air for you. To me it sounds like he just made something up to convince you to stay. 

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