In day to day conversations I ask my husband a lot more about himself than he

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
7457 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

My Dh asks too many questions, invariably about things I could not possibly know.  Little things, big things, it doesn’t matter.  Everything gets phrased as a question.  It’s just a habit.  Instead of saying “I wonder what she meant by that”, it’s “what does she mean by that?”  Or I’ll catch a banner on my iPad and tell him, “oh it looks like a message just came in via my doctor’s office portal”.

Dh:  What does it say?

Me:  I DON’T KNOW YET.  I have to open the damn portal, put in my i.d. and password, go to the message section and read the frickin message.  Then we’ll all know.

“Why did the guy on TV just say that?”.

I DON’T KNOW.  HOW COULD I KNOW THAT?!

”Why was there a police car at the neighbors’ house a few minutes ago?”.  

I DON’T KNOW.  YOU WERE LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW.  YOU KNOW AS MUCH AS I DO, MRS KRAVITZ.

After about a thousand times a day of this and I go stark, raving, frothing at the mouth mad.

So, the absolutely last thing I want from my Dh is more questions.  About my day or anything else.  Anything but more interrogation.  I have asked, begged, and pleaded with him to stop.  It does no good.  He really doesn’t get it.

And I never dare ask him about his day.  I’m not opening that Pandora’s Box of St Olaf stories.

Post # 17
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

sassy411 :  OMG, I AM your husband!!! LOL, now i feel bad for my Darling Husband..although I’m not that extreme lol, but I do catch myself asking those questions, then I reel it in a bit 😛

Supersleuth :  too funny!!!

 

Post # 18
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

italianbride0508 :  This jives with something our premarital counselor told us, which frankly was a revelation and super useful for us in our communication: some men tend to be more direct, to-the-point in their communication, while some women tend to be more narrative. So when I tell my husband about my day, I include waaayyy more details than he would in telling me about his. Or, for a funny example, he once sent me a gif at work of a woman falling out of a portapotty that had been jacked up on a trailer (via Reddit, of course). I immediately was like “what? how did she get there? was the portapotty already on the trailer when she climbed in? she must have been so drunk. Was she ok?” and he was like “whoa whoa, it was just a funny image”. Just being aware that our communication styles are different has helped us a lot.

To the OP: I think you should talk to your husband about how you’re feeling, and see if he might ask you follow up questions so you know he’s listening and interested. You might also check out some of Deborah Tannen’s writing on the subject. I read an article of hers (she’s a linguistics professor and author of a lot of books about communication and relationships) in an anthropology class in college that helped me improve phone calls with my mom.  

Post # 19
Member
1768 posts
Buzzing bee

I completely understand! It’s like people these days have no conversation skills, it’s super annoying. They love talking about themselves. I can have “conversations” for hours but they’re always one-sided because the other person never asks me questions back.  So i know all about them, they feel  good after getting attention, and they know nothing about me. This goes with 75% of people I meet.The conversations always come to a dead stop if I stop asking questions; people are selfish and lacking social skills. 

I don’t have any advice. I just stop asking and let the friendships suffer. They are not the center of my universe. As for fiance, I still play this annoying game with him because I feel like I have to. It’s kinda good he doesn’t know everything about life, keeps me feeling independent. But also kinda lonely.

Post # 21
Member
4090 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

If you and your FH have an open communication style, you could just let him know how you’re feeling and ask questions about whether or not there is a reason he doesn’t ask more questions of you when you’re speaking. That way you aren’t making up a story about what’s happening and then feeling badly without knowing the circumstances.

My husband can get super focused on a topic and then he wants to talk to me about that thing over and over and OVER again and I try to be polite and supportive for a while, but I’m also very aware that he’s not being very considerate in making ME hyperfocus on something I do not give a fuck about just because HE’s excited about it. (I also recognize that he’s telling me all of this shit because he values my judgment and input and so he’s bouncing ideas off of me to get my perspective at times- which is a nice compliment). So when I get full, I just tap out. This weekend, it looked like this – him talking to me way too loudly and way too late about something I’m waaaaaay over listening to. I say “Can we have some silence for a while, please?” He stops and then says “Do you need complete silence or something else?” I say “I mostly need for you NOT to talk at me about this topic any more today.” He hesitates for a second (I could tell he was a little offended but my field of fucks was barren at that moment) then chuckles and says “I understand, sweetie. I’ll give it a rest for the night.”

Direct and open communication can help soothe a lot of moments of missed connection.

Post # 22
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee

i ask my husband about his day just to be nice, i honestly find it pretty boring. office politics is annoying to live, much less to hear about second hand. do you talk about your day anyway? maybe he expects you to tell him even without him asking?

sassy411 :  THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. i. am. not. siri. stop asking me shit there is no earthly reason i would know the answer to. lol

 

Post # 23
Member
7457 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

tinneranne2 :  

i. am. not. siri.

Can I use that?

Post # 24
Member
1143 posts
Bumble bee

This is interesting, I’ve never really thought much about how Darling Husband & I go about conversations in the evening and whether we ask questions. I don’t think we do ask questions but more just tell each other things of our own accord if it is worth sharing.

I know what you mean though, I have friends who are great at asking questions and I’ll meet with them and feel like I told them loads but didn’t ask them anything in return. I think it is just a personality type and I wouldn’t take it personally if your Darling Husband doesn’t ask you many things, it doesn’t mean he isn’t interested or doesn’t want to know.

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