(Closed) In desperate need of advice!

posted 5 years ago in Engagement
  • poll: What should I do? (explanations why would be appreciated :)

    Break up with him.

    Tell him he needs to move out, but stay together.

    Shut up and suck it up until he's ready.

    Try to talk to him about it again.

  • Post # 3
    Member
    9443 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2016

    At a minimum he should move out. You were clear with your expectations and he clearly mislead you. Whether or not this is a deal breaker is up to you. I would be really upset that he was dishonest about his intentions though and would be worried about it becoming a pattern of behavior where he agrees to give you what you want to get what he wants and then he goes back on it. It warrants a discussion for sure and he needs to have a damn good answer for why he moved in if he wasn’t thinking engagement and marriage when you made it clear that that was a stipulation of moving in together.

    Post # 4
    Member
    76 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Have you guys had a 1 on 1 convo about this? Or is the only conversation that you had with him the one with his sister? If so, then yes you need to talk to him about it being a deal-breaker to you, if it in fact is one. But seems like more conversation with him is required, in my opinion, for him to give you a clear picture of what he does think would be reasonable, and then you need to decide if that’s something you can deal with.

    Post # 5
    Member
    406 posts
    Helper bee

    You definitely need to talk to him again. 

    It sounds to me like his comment was made offhand to his brother’s fiance, and not directed to you. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth a conversation, but there could be a lot of nuance in there, a lot of reasons why he might have said what he did, and I think speculating on that answer without having a conversation with him will only open you up to anguish and doubts and no real resolution.

    Did you already tell him that you wanted to get married in 1.5 years? If so, did he seem amenable to that? Does he know you want to have children by the time you’re 25?

    Sometimes people can be really obtuse or incapable of reading through the lines, and when it comes to planning a future it’s important to be as direct and open about your wants and needs as possible. But you, likewise, have to be open to his.

    I would try not to speculate, but I’d definitely have another conversation with him.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1617 posts
    Bumble bee

    There is nothing that will magically change his mind.

    You already expressed your desires. He negated those when he recently expressed his. He has left you with little choice. I’m sorry, bee. I think if marriage is important to you, you’ll have to free yourself up to find a marriage-minded man. Doesn’t sound like your current BF is even close.

    Post # 9
    Member
    331 posts
    Helper bee

    After your last update, I change my vote. I originally voted to talk to him more. I think you need to evaluate how important this is to you, if you think you can wait 3 more years, I would do the move out option, because you said that is important to you and I’d also worry that he would grow comfortable with having you around & be more leisurely with his timeline.

    However, if you stay together you really need to talk to him about why he would agree to the moving in together knowing engagement in 1.5 years was a requirement. Did he just not care or food something change his mind?  Personally this would be the thing that bothered me the most and I don’t think I’d stay with someone that didn’t stock to their word. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    167 posts
    Blushing bee

    My partner always used to say to everyone who would pester him about proposing ‘why would I want to do that for’ ‘what a waste of money’ ‘It’s just a piece of paper’ and when we had one on one chats about it I would receive similar responses.

    I won’t lie, I seriously considered the future of the relationship (he didn’t know this) but I had conversations with friends that went along the lines of ‘he knows I want to get married one day, surely because it means something to me, he would get married’

    I’m not one to give ultimatums ‘If you don’t propose within a year I walk’ sort of thing, so I came to terms with the fact that we might not ever get married, I loved him and wanted to be with him forever so I guess for the time being I was ok with the thought of not getting married.

    Little did I know, he was actually planning a proposal! Needless to say I was beyond shocked when he asked and even had to say ‘are you sure’? haha

    Anyway… What I’m trying to say here is can you see yourself with this man forever? And if so is it worth sticking it out?

    Who knows he might be planning a proposal sooner than you think!!

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    348 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    lovestrucklifeguard :  you said how much you told him what you wanted, but it seems that you didn’t explicitly ask him (before moving in) what he wanted to see if you were on the same page or not . . .

    Post # 12
    Member
    3791 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    The fact remains that he is not ready and “nowhere near” ready.  If you want marriage sooner rather than later this isn’t the man for you no matter how much you may love him.  In all honesty I also would be hesitant to marry a man who essentially went back on his word and didn’t listen to me about how serious moving in was for me.

    Post # 14
    Member
    201 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    You guys have different points of views when it comes to living together and I think you guys need to sit down and figure out what works best for you. Have a serious talk about your relationship goals. You guys need to point out what you both want and see if there can be a compromise. If that works out great. If not, then maybe this is not the relationship for you. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    321 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2017

    I think that being on a wedding forum, you will get a whole lot of different opinions, but obviously we value marriage, or we wouldn’t be here.

    When my now DH moved in with me, he made it clear that he never wanted to get married (and made it clear to everyone that he spoke to that marriage was awful, it doesn’t mean anything etc etc…), but would like to have kids… I wanted marriage THEN kids (we all have our quirks, that was mine). I was 28 and knew that he was the best thing that had happened to me, and that it wasn’t worth waiting to find another Mr Right when I had someone who was perfect apart from this one thing in my eyes (I had been engaged before, to someone who wanted marriage… but had a whole lot of other flaws!).

    Turned out, once my DH’s friends started getting married he saw it wasn’t all bad (or at all bad, really), and eventually we discussed marriage… It was only 2.5 years after moving in and him saying that he would NEVER get married that we tied the knot.

    Not saying that this will happen, and I HATE that he led you on (and feel free to ignore me if you want!!), but thing sometimes work out at their own pace.

    The topic ‘In desperate need of advice!’ is closed to new replies.

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