Post # 1
I have been a lurker of the site for a while now and just signed up because I decided I need the advice of people who are on the outside. Here’s the situation…
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. We moved in together in December, and when we were discussing moving him, I made it very clear that I was not interested in ‘playing house’ and that for me it was a serious step towards engagement and marriage. Aka I’d want a proposal in roughly 1.5 years, give or take.
Now that we are living together, it has come out that getting married and having kids is not something he thinks about (at least not in the next few years, minimum). This came up after his brother’s fiance mentioned how much she likes me and how excited she was at the idea of potentially having me as a sister-in-law, to which my boyfriend remarked “we’re not there yet, not even close.”
My line of thought ever since has been ‘why the hell did you move in with me, then?’ especially since I told him numerous times how I felt about moving in together to make sure he understood.
I am close with his family and he is with mine as well, our relationship is fantastic, and we’ve been through multiple ups and downs and come out strong as a couple. I moved in with him because I know I want to spend my life with him and I wanted to start taking steps towards getting there, but now I am questioning how seriously he takes our relationship.
I am hurt and frustrated and not willing to stick around in what right now I can’t help but think is a dead-end relationship. I do NOT want to be the Eternal Girlfriend 🙁 I would be greatly appreciative of any advice or opinions that anyone may have to offer! Thanks in advance 🙂
Post # 2
Edit: Boyfriend is 29 and I am 22. We have both been in serious, long term relationships before. I recognize that I am young, but I want kids and have been told by doctors that due to medical reasons, once I hit 30 I will have a difficult time trying to conceive, so I would like to start having children at 24 or 25 and be done a couple years before that.
We are also financially stable- he works full time as a nurse and is paying off the last few grand of debt he has between school and his car. I make just under 30/hr working ~30hrs/week while going to school (Master of Science in Bioethics).
I get free tuition thanks to my dad working at the univercity I attend. I would also get my medical school tuition paid for by the university if I get into school there, so all in all despte being young, I’d say I have my life pretty well together 🙂
Post # 3
At a minimum he should move out. You were clear with your expectations and he clearly mislead you. Whether or not this is a deal breaker is up to you. I would be really upset that he was dishonest about his intentions though and would be worried about it becoming a pattern of behavior where he agrees to give you what you want to get what he wants and then he goes back on it. It warrants a discussion for sure and he needs to have a damn good answer for why he moved in if he wasn’t thinking engagement and marriage when you made it clear that that was a stipulation of moving in together.
Post # 4
Have you guys had a 1 on 1 convo about this? Or is the only conversation that you had with him the one with his sister? If so, then yes you need to talk to him about it being a deal-breaker to you, if it in fact is one. But seems like more conversation with him is required, in my opinion, for him to give you a clear picture of what he does think would be reasonable, and then you need to decide if that’s something you can deal with.
Post # 5
You definitely need to talk to him again.
It sounds to me like his comment was made offhand to his brother’s fiance, and not directed to you. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth a conversation, but there could be a lot of nuance in there, a lot of reasons why he might have said what he did, and I think speculating on that answer without having a conversation with him will only open you up to anguish and doubts and no real resolution.
Did you already tell him that you wanted to get married in 1.5 years? If so, did he seem amenable to that? Does he know you want to have children by the time you’re 25?
Sometimes people can be really obtuse or incapable of reading through the lines, and when it comes to planning a future it’s important to be as direct and open about your wants and needs as possible. But you, likewise, have to be open to his.
I would try not to speculate, but I’d definitely have another conversation with him.
Post # 6
There is nothing that will magically change his mind.
You already expressed your desires. He negated those when he recently expressed his. He has left you with little choice. I’m sorry, bee. I think if marriage is important to you, you’ll have to free yourself up to find a marriage-minded man. Doesn’t sound like your current BF is even close.
Post # 7
No, we discussed it the next day when we got home from visiting his parents for the holidays. He told me that he couldnt promise me anything but ‘would hope that if we were still together in 3 years he’d be ready to propose’. Not his exact words (I paraphrased), but that was what he was saying. Also, we nearly had 2 kids together due to an accidental twin pregnancy, and he was wanting to stick around and parent with me despite my offer for him to take an out and not have anyhting to do with them if he didn’t want to. So considering that as well, I don’t see why it isn’t something he thinks about.
Post # 8
we did talk about it the next day when we got home (see my reply to PP). I did not explicitly say “I want to get engaged withint 1.5 years of living together,” but when we talked about what moving in together meant to me I did state that I didn’t want to be in a situation where we were spending 2 or more years living together without being married, which in my opinion, is obvious enough. He asked why marriage is important to me when we would have the same benefits if we were common-law and I explained that to be common law all we have to do is live together a couple years and then sign a form; where as a legal marriage we’d be standing up in front of all our friends and family to commit to spending our lives together, which for me makes a big difference.
He also knows about the kids thing, but maybe he thinks that I am being paranoid and won’t be infertile til I’m like 40? When we had the accidental pregnany, I had an IUD so maybe he thinks the doctors were wrong. I’m personally not willing to chance that.
Post # 9
After your last update, I change my vote. I originally voted to talk to him more. I think you need to evaluate how important this is to you, if you think you can wait 3 more years, I would do the move out option, because you said that is important to you and I’d also worry that he would grow comfortable with having you around & be more leisurely with his timeline.
However, if you stay together you really need to talk to him about why he would agree to the moving in together knowing engagement in 1.5 years was a requirement. Did he just not care or food something change his mind? Personally this would be the thing that bothered me the most and I don’t think I’d stay with someone that didn’t stock to their word.
Post # 10
My partner always used to say to everyone who would pester him about proposing ‘why would I want to do that for’ ‘what a waste of money’ ‘It’s just a piece of paper’ and when we had one on one chats about it I would receive similar responses.
I won’t lie, I seriously considered the future of the relationship (he didn’t know this) but I had conversations with friends that went along the lines of ‘he knows I want to get married one day, surely because it means something to me, he would get married’
I’m not one to give ultimatums ‘If you don’t propose within a year I walk’ sort of thing, so I came to terms with the fact that we might not ever get married, I loved him and wanted to be with him forever so I guess for the time being I was ok with the thought of not getting married.
Little did I know, he was actually planning a proposal! Needless to say I was beyond shocked when he asked and even had to say ‘are you sure’? haha
Anyway… What I’m trying to say here is can you see yourself with this man forever? And if so is it worth sticking it out?
Who knows he might be planning a proposal sooner than you think!!
Post # 11
you said how much you told him what you wanted, but it seems that you didn’t explicitly ask him (before moving in) what he wanted to see if you were on the same page or not . . .
Post # 12
The fact remains that he is not ready and “nowhere near” ready. If you want marriage sooner rather than later this isn’t the man for you no matter how much you may love him. In all honesty I also would be hesitant to marry a man who essentially went back on his word and didn’t listen to me about how serious moving in was for me.
Post # 13
Sorry, I guess I left this out but we checked in on this before he moved in. I asked him how he felt about what I had said re: getting married and moving in together and he said he understood how I left and that I shouldn’t worry because he felt the same way about not wanting to play house and that for him it was a serious step towards marriage too.
I’m now realizing he never said that he never said anything about my timeline. He’s really great and I don’t think he’d intentially manipulate me like that, but that’s sure how this feels right now 🙁
Post # 14
You guys have different points of views when it comes to living together and I think you guys need to sit down and figure out what works best for you. Have a serious talk about your relationship goals. You guys need to point out what you both want and see if there can be a compromise. If that works out great. If not, then maybe this is not the relationship for you.
Post # 15
I think that being on a wedding forum, you will get a whole lot of different opinions, but obviously we value marriage, or we wouldn’t be here.
When my now DH moved in with me, he made it clear that he never wanted to get married (and made it clear to everyone that he spoke to that marriage was awful, it doesn’t mean anything etc etc…), but would like to have kids… I wanted marriage THEN kids (we all have our quirks, that was mine). I was 28 and knew that he was the best thing that had happened to me, and that it wasn’t worth waiting to find another Mr Right when I had someone who was perfect apart from this one thing in my eyes (I had been engaged before, to someone who wanted marriage… but had a whole lot of other flaws!).
Turned out, once my DH’s friends started getting married he saw it wasn’t all bad (or at all bad, really), and eventually we discussed marriage… It was only 2.5 years after moving in and him saying that he would NEVER get married that we tied the knot.
Not saying that this will happen, and I HATE that he led you on (and feel free to ignore me if you want!!), but thing sometimes work out at their own pace.