(Closed) In desperate need of advice

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Woah, that’s awful and I’m sorry. I think you need to seriously re-evaluate your relationship. Him saying that he’s not in love with you is a big flag. How long have you been together? Would you seriously want to marry a man who flip-flops like this?

Post # 3
Member
1217 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

If he can commit to having 3 kids with you, why can’t he commit to marrying you?  I’m not sure there is enough information here to suggest you leave or stay. 

Post # 4
Member
12 posts
Newbee

What a difficult time for this situation of yours! I suggest seeking counseling for this. There are definitely some big issues here. Take care of your relationship now so that you can do what is best for your children. So sorry for what you are going through, I can’t even imagine. 

Post # 5
Member
7892 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You call him hubby, but you’re engaged? Why did you keep having kids with him if he wasn’t committed to you? It’s confusing. It does sound like a tough situation, so I do wish you luck in figuring it out. 

Post # 8
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Couple’s therapy.

Post # 9
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

He told you that you can stay living there? While being pregnant with your 3rd child. Well isn’t that generous of him. I seriously hope that he will realize soon how poorly he is treating you.

Post # 10
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

In sickness and in health…he doesn’t want to get married because you have emotional swings when you are pregnant and have two other children to take care of? He should be looking after you and trying to help you feel better. How does he expect you as a couple to bounce back if he said he wasn’t in love? Does he mean when the baby is born and your emotions settle down? Ugh! What if one day you get sick again for whatever reason? He should not be swinging back and forth. To me, he’s in the relationship or he’s out. I would say he needs to decide, but you decide, too. 

Post # 11
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

At this point I’d be telling him that he is either in or out but don’t expect to live together and coparent if he doesn’t want to be married. Sounds like he’s perhaps found someone else and is flip-flopping on whether or not to make it work with you or get out.

Post # 12
Member
2429 posts
Buzzing bee

“……..with this man…….” How awful for you. You have learned, in the most tragic way, that there is no such status as “…..with this man…..”  He is happily enjoying the benefits of a not married lifestyle, and after YEARS of datingwaitingengagedpregnantwhatnow YOU are living with the consequences of his immaturity.

One of the parties in your “relationship” IS silly, weak, indecisive, unkind, hormonal, but Honey, that partner ISN’T YOU!

HE wants to “bounce back” to THE WAY YOU WERE? The way you WERE was the UNMARRIED MOM of TWO children, so that door will soon be closing, and you will be the unmarried mom of THREE. No room for “bouncing back” in THIS story.

Is there anybody in his life who can take him aside and give him a major attitude adjustment, and help him return from the fantasy world he’s been living in? Eight years of nothing but hot air? Does he think you’ve been hanging around for the nourishment of his luminous presence?

PLEASE lawyer up RIGHT NOW, before you do ANYTHING about your relationship with your “hubby”.

Hormonal or not, you, without consideration of anyone else, have the responsibility for YOUR babies. How involved you allow him to be needs to depend on how much responsibility HE actively assumes, and you need to know how much you can require of him for basic support, for you and his children.

Therapy for yourself before couple’s therapy. Time to figure out why you’ve been willing to tolerate years of unfair treatment. If/when YOU decide you’ve gotten strong, THEN time toonsider meeting with him AS AN EQUAL to determine what status you BOTH want in life.

Protect yourself and your children. 

Post # 13
Member
739 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
ann.reid.9277 :  How involved you allow him to be needs to depend on how much responsibility HE actively assumes.

I really hate this assumption that women should be the ones to decide how much or how litthe involvement the father has, just because their relationship has broken down.

There is nothing in this post to suggest that OP should be even considering not allowing him to be involved with his children.  They are not purely OPs children, as you have mentioned, but equally children of them both and they should not be used as pawns in their relationship problems.

Post # 14
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Why are you pushing for marriage to a man who says he’s not in love with you??

People sometimes fall out of love, that is normal.  It fucking sucks, but wouldn’t you rather he be honest with you now rather than after you’re married? The good news is that sometimes people work through it, and it does sound like he’d be willing to try eventually.  At least he’s not completely shut off or moved out, that’s a good sign.

Suggest couples counselling to him, it might really help. 

Sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 15
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

View original reply
ann.reid.9277 :  My God you sound hostile.

OP never said a word about 8 years of being treated poorly, she’s talking about a recent change in her FI’s feelings towards her. Feeling that suck, but he is 100% entitled to. If he fell out of love he shouldn’t be forced to marry her, and he also shouldn’t be scared to lose his kids because she decided to use them as pawns to get back at him for how she’s feeling. 

I hate that you used the term “protect your children”. Protect them from their loving father? Children aren’t pawns.

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