Post # 32
Look into Atypical Depression. Most people think that when you ar Depressed, you feel sad all the time. That isnt the case. I had Atypical Depression and would often feel happiness. But I was tired ALL.THE.TIME. It eventually led to Major Depression (and more typical symtoms of lack of any feeling).
If he is truely depressed, then you have to think of him having a brain disease. His brain isnt functioning properly. He doesnt have the motivation to do anything. It’s not about his love for you. It’s about the neurons not firing in a way that allows him to do the things he needed/wants to do.
If he does have Depression, yes, you will have have hold his hand. Break down tasks into manigible bites that allow him to feel small sucesses and dont feel bad if he cant do them, or it takes longer than you think it should.
That being said–if he doesnt acknowlege that something is wrong (whether it’s clinical depression or just being lazy), then you cant do anything for him and you have to leave him.
Post # 33
Thank you for your input! I never heard of Atypical Depression before but I am looking at information on it now and it could be the problem. If not, I still think he has some form of Depression. I’m going to show him this information on Atypical Depression and see what he thinks of it. I’ll also keep in mind what you said about breaking things down into manageable chunks for him.
Thank you for your concern. For now, I am choosing to try to work through that because I honestly believe that it was a one-time incident and that it truly isn’t like him to behave that way. I am also choosing to believe that it will not happen again, but if it does, I will
leave him and he knows it. We are all human, we all have moments of weakness, and we all make mistakes, and granted that this was a HUGE mistake, I still think that I’ll eventually forgive him for this one time (although I honestly haven’t yet). One time is a mistake and I still think it’s worth trying to work past that if we can, but a second time would be a pattern and I won’t tolerate that. Right now, I just feel like something is really wrong with him and I want to at least try to help him if I can before I just walk away. Marriage is about supporting each other through hard times after all, and he’s been there for me through some of the worst times of my life. I will walk away from this if I must, but only if I must. If he hits me again or I can’t help him do the things he needs to do, I will leave and at least then I’ll know that I had no other choice, but if I don’t give him a chance, I know I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting it. I hope that makes sense.
Post # 34
Thank you. Yes, I agree. Given the circumstances, I don’t know how he could NOT be depressed. Happy people don’t live this way. I’ve threatened to divorce him if he doesn’t get a job, and he said that he would apply for any and every job he can, he’s sorry for failing me as a husband, he’s sorry for putting so much on me, etcetera, etcetera. So far, nothing’s changed, and that’s what bothers me the most–so many promises and so little action. I’m know you’re right that the only way this is going to change is if I change it for us.
Every time I say that he needs to go to therapy, he continues to insist that nothing is wrong with him and that he’s perfectly happy and that I’m the one who’s unhappy. He’s right that I’m unhappy, but he’s in denial about everything else.
Post # 35
I feel for you, keep your chin up. You’re making sense, and you’re in the right. When I read this I thought of my fiance’s father around two years ago. He was injured in a car accident more than five years ago, which resulted in a foot injury. He was out of work, and was in a similar situation. A very charismatic guy, optimistic that he would “find something” or that “new opportunities” came up- but they never did. He was very good at giving the runaround without any report on progress.
He stayed home all day, but didn’t help around the house either and would make promises to my fiance (a late teenager at the time) that things would get better. He became distorted through alochol and sleeping all day (I know this doesn’t have anything to do with your situation, but I’m getting at the isolation element of it). Well, things got worse. Mortgage payments weren’t getting paid, the heat was getting turned off, the house was unsanitary, my fiance wasn’t equipped to handle something of this magnitude. My fiance was carrying him (or doing the best he could) this whole time, due to the fact that he couldn’t have a conversation of “please leave.”
Finally, the eviction notice came the day after Thanksgiving- it had caught up to them. I had enough of the worrying, and my fiance (boyfriend at the time) was more than welcome to stay with me and my family. My family was aware of the circumstances and wanted him with us. My boyfriend did stay with me, I helped him gather his things, but his father (depressed, drunk, helpless, and angry) had no invitation anywhere.
After healing up at the hospital, a surge of momentum hit him and he landed a job doing what he did prior to the accident. He got a very small apartment, but did what he needed to do. Sparingly spent his money, etc. He met a woman at the hospital, and they’re now in love a couple of years later. In bad situations we often question, “what happens when we get to the end of the rope?” And sometimes people do get their asses in gear – I have hope for you if you want to make this work.
Post # 36
I sincerely hope everything works out for you. All the best to you xxx
Post # 37
As hard as it is, I would leave. It seems you tried all you can on you end, and it seems he doesn’t want to change. You are an amazing woman who deserves a wonderful relationship. Just because this marriage failed doesn’t mean you failed. Be strong and move on. Marriages only work when two people are I’m it, not one.
Post # 38
@DesperateBee: He hit you AND let the dog attack you? Please, please, please get out. He could seriously hurt or kill you one day.
You deserve someone who loves, honors and cherishes you, not someone who has hit you. He may hit you again, and you’re too precious to risk that.
Please PM me if you need more support.
Post # 38
I’m going to be honest, OP – I think you have some blinders on here. I almost married someone very similar to your husband. He was unmotivated to better himself, and counted on me for support for EVERYTHING. Financial, emotional, you name it. I tried everything – being harsh, being sensitive, asking him politely to change, crying, begging, etc.
It took a long time for me to realize that only he can change himself – I could not do a thing to change him. He had to want to get out of his depression, he had to want to get help, and he had to want a happy life. Luckily, through some tough love through friends, I found the courage to leave him.
My main point – you CANNOT make another person change. They have to want it. I would get out while you can, OP. My words are not meant to be harsh, and I apologize if it’s coming off that way. I just wanted to share my experience – I hope everything works out for you.
Post # 39
LEAVE or have your parents help kick him out of their basement. This guy is bad news.
Post # 40
No, I would not stay. One of the reasons I fell in love with my fiance was that his work ethics were up there with mine. We are the type of people where we go to work everyday, even in horrible weather, even if we’re sick [we don’t work super close to other people]. We are always putting money into our future – I could never be with a man who would not look for work.
I can understand being out of work, it happens. But not even looking for a job for a year and a half while I support him and he sits on his lazy butt and eats cheetos? NO. That would never happen, and I wouldn’t put up with it for long.
Post # 41
OP, do you have an update?
Post # 42
I stopped at “my husband hit me two months ago” to type the following:
Do it carefully, but do it. And have someone with you when you do it. Don’t let yourselves be alone together, don’t be alone in the house together ie when you move your things. Always have someone with you.
Post # 43
As PPs have said, hitting is NEVER acceptable under any circumstance and it’s very fortunate you don’t have children with him that could have witnessed that or given him an excuse to manipulate you further. No one should have the power to make you feel worthless. Your instincts are right, get out of this situation. If you decide not to go to individual therapy it shouldn’t be because of working hours. You can take time off for a doctor’s appointment, can’t you? That’s all you have to tell your boss.
Post # 44
Get rid of the jerk. He hit you for crying out loud!! That, alone, is enough reason to leave a man!!!
Post # 45
Oh Dear! I read all of it, but really, this would have been enough:
“My husband hit me two months ago.”
Umh … It doesn’t even matter that it happened only once. (Plus, this “once” is a mere two months ago – abusive husbands don’t start one day and then go hitting you every day – it’s a process.) And even on medication – if it’s not a zombie pill that turns you into a total freak that is the complete opposite of who you are, then no excuse. If you’re willing to blame it on the side effects, I would speak to his doctor first. Aggressive behavior as a side effect does NOT equal becoming violent against a person. Do NOT excuse his behavior. I have read so many people on the bee posting about their abusive husbands. Guess what. They ALL said it was completel out of line for their partner. And all their partners swore they’d never do it again. Well, guess what …
And even if it didn’t happen again, my partner would only have to hit me once and that would be enough for me, no matter how much I loved him. The love for myself will hopefully always be bigger than to put up with that.
And no matter what God you believe in, I don’t think in either religion, God will think you’re a better person for keeping your promises under such circumstances!!!