In desperate need of advice/opinions

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
434 posts
Helper bee

“I’m not telling you what you can and can’t do, I’m telling you there will be consequences”

… okay that’s sound a tad condescending and manipulative.

Honestly, I don’t have a whole lot of advice. How badly do you want to practice this new belief? Would you be willing to end your marriage for it? Are there any compromises? Can your husband at least be willing to let you have a ‘trial run’ so to speak of this new practice? Or would he leave regardless?

Post # 3
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Wait there are no outward signs or activities you will do and yet if you believe in this religion he will leave you?

I really don’t understand your husband’s thought process at all, unless you are leaving out details here.

Why is he so hung up on this? What is it he actually has a problem with? 

Post # 4
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

scaredwitchless :   I went through a similar situation when I showed interest in Wicca. Not with my husband though, he was weirded out but said he didn’t care either way as long as I don’t force him to write in a book of shadows or participate in any spells or rituals. My father was really upset though. He said he would distance himself from me because it’s evil. 

Wicca is super private so I decided to continue learning and not tell him about it. I ultimately decided I didn’t have any firm beliefs and stopped practicing but it was really hard since I have such a great relationship with my dad. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Maybe practice in secret to see if it’s even something you feel strongly about. It took about 2 months for the glow of new experiences to wear off for me. Wish I could help more. 

Post # 5
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Honestly, I think your husband is in the wrong here. I am a Christian, working for a faith based organisation, marrying a Christian. However, my fiancé is from another country with a strong animist background. I fully believe that he has left that behind for Christianity. But if one day he went back to it, I wouldn’t end the marriage over it. I would be hurt and confused, but we are getting married for life.

I especially don’t understand your husband’s reaction when there will be nothing obvious to an outsider. Can you continue to look into the religion without him knowing?

Post # 6
Member
2623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Hello Bee, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m reading that this as Wicca too, but really it doesn’t matter what faith it is, it’s all equally important to the spirit. Wicca makes a lot of sense as it does not prescribe to any rules other than ‘I will bring no harm to others’; however that rule does not extend to your husband’s ego, in case you were wondering. It is a very holistic and natural faith. It teaches to take responsibility for one’s own actions and be at one with yourself and the earth. It can be extremely fulfilling as it’s a way to practise faith but without being indoctrinated. Wicca can be private but no Wiccan worth their salt would hide their true self from their spouse – just as you wouldn’t if you were Catholic, or any other faith.

Your husband is being selfish and harmful towards you. He seems to think he can control you. THAT is what I think the real issue is here. His religion says that it’s wrong? A lot of what is written in religious texts has been incorrectly translated, misunderstood, and bastardized to fit the will of the people following it or preaching it. (I’m not trying to offend anyone by saying that, it’s simply true. One just needs to look at history, and indeed the present to see that that’s true.) I’ve never come across a religious text that doesn’t have a whole other pile of fables and quotes that disprove the interpretation of that one iffy line that people use to ostracize others.

Nobody gets to tell you what to think or feel. We were made as individuals, by the divine, or just by chance. No one person gets to decide another’s mind. No-one should want to. If your husband’s religion teaches him otherwise then I’d be seriously considering whether or not my child should be taught the same thing as matter of fact.

This is a terrible position for him to be putting you in. He needs to shape up or ship out. You’re not the one at fault here.

Post # 7
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I guess it depends whether religion is a deal breaker him. It can be for many couples before they’re married. I think from your husband’s point of view he envisioned a Christian/Jewish/Muslim… life and marriage with you. When he signed up for the worse with you, he assumed you’d still share the same faith. I think on this situation it might be comparable to changing your mind on kids when you get married.

Now personally I think your husband throwing his marriage away over religion is ridiculous. I say that as a Christian married to another Christian. But religion has never been a deal breaker for me and whilst I don’t get why it is for others, it’s something that is obviously important to him. Is it a large part of his identity?

Can you practice somewhere privately outside the house, not in secret but as a compromise whilst you work out what role this needs to play in your life?

Post # 8
Member
390 posts
Helper bee

My sister and her ex husband are of the same religion but had differences as to the practice of it (he was against celebrating any holidays or giving the religion any place in the family). Their marriage broke down once they had my nephew. 

My sister didn’t mind that he didn’t practice anything but he was against the child be part of the religion as well… and it didn’t work. Once you have someone like your husband that doesn’t grant you the same freedom you grant him with your beliefs – a marriage cannot survive. 

It doesn’t matter if everyone tells you your husband is wrong here. We all thought it was ludicrous that my sister’s ex was so against our/his religion (we’re not very religious but do have family dinners to celebrate the holidays) – but at the end of the day he wasn’t willing to compromise at all (they went to counseling etc.) – and they divorced. Your husband reminds me of him – and if your husband doesn’t want to compromise there’s nothing much that can be done… 

 

Post # 9
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m sorry yours going through this. ((((Hugs))))

In a word yes he is being selfish AND using blackmail with holding your marriage and family to ransom if you don’t do what he wants you to do.

Yes you are married and are a unit but……YOU are still a human being and your own person who should be entitled to believe and practice what you want without a massive guilt trip and being threatened with “consequences”. I personally wouldn’t put up with anyone dictating to me what I can and cannot do with my own private beliefs and feelings especially as you have said it would be something that you would be practicing in private so no one would know.

You know deep down that if you give in and do what you husband wants you won’t truly be happy and you’ll end up resenting him and that resentment WILL seep in to other aspects of your married life and will probably cause other issues down the line.

I think you really need to sit and have a proper discussion with your husband without him giving you emotional ultimatums and explain that your beliefs are just as important as his and that marriage is about compromise and supporting each other and your love for each other should have no bearing on your beliefs. 

 

I hope you both manage to sort things out. Xxx

Post # 10
Member
9042 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

scaredwitchless :  I think the most important thing here is that he is clearly showing you that you are not in a partnership. Yes faith can be a dealbreaker for some people but giving ultimatiums and threats is not the action you take. The action you take is to leave with no threats or ultimatiums. He is being a selfish manipulative ass.

Someone who loves you does not do these things to you. He is showing you who he is, believe it and think long and hard if you really want to be in a relationship with someone like that.

Post # 11
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

howdoyoudo :  Nobody gets to tell you what to think or feel. We were made as individuals, by the divine, or just by chance. No one person gets to decide another’s mind. No-one should want to. If your husband’s religion teaches him otherwise then I’d be seriously considering whether or not my child should be taught the same thing as matter of fact.

gomezandmorticia :  Your beliefs are just as important as his and marriage is about compromise and supporting each other.

+100000000000

 

Bee, it is unfair, cruel, selfish, and controlling for your husband to try to tell you what you can and cannot believe. Spirituality is incredibly personal, and – for many people – a deeply important part of the human experience. It makes me sick to think that your own husband to trying to deny you freedom of belief.

Post # 13
Member
60 posts
Worker bee

Practicing a personal belief is not the same as cheating on your spouse! It seems as though he’s seeing your interest in practicing a different religion as a personal affront to him, when it isn’t. Cheating on someone is a betrayal of trust and shows a lack of respect for your partner. How is you practicing your beliefs in any way like that?

Does he have some opinions about this religion that aren’t based on fact? Does he think there’s something wrong or immoral about practicing it? He needs to be willing to listen to you regarding your beliefs, just as you have done for him. He should be able to listen to you and give you the benefit of the doubt. He should be able to understand that what we belive in isn’t really a choice, he can’t just choose not to believe his religion, just as your can’t just drop your beliefs. Our beliefs may change with time or new information, but he can’t just expect you to drop what you believe for him.

The way he has dismissed your discussions is, quite frankly, rude and obnoxious. You aren’t trying to hurt him but he is acting like you are. 

When my beliefs changed, I sat down with my partner and told him about it. I explained that it was very important to me and why, and I told him that I understood his beliefs were different. I said that the most important thing to me was that we continued to show each other respect, and always give each other the benefit of the doubt if any belief ever seems concerning or difficult to understand. He did not share my belief at the time, but he always treated me with respect, kindness and understanding, and he has never given me an ultimatum.  

Post # 14
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I think, for all the points many bees have made, you just have to realize that this marriage is not conducive to a healthy partnership and future for either of you.

You should be able to practice and believe in what you wish. Your husband can certain decide it’s a dealbreaker but it shouldn’t come with threats or manipulation. Even if he was willing to accept it if done privately, is that really a way you will want to live long term or won’t have resentment for? Would you tell your children if you had them to live in a similar arrangement?

I would not pursue a family with someone that has responded to you in this manner, does not accept my differences in faith, and would look down on me and my faith. I would also personally accept this isn’t the right relationship and separate. 

I think your only course, if hell bent on being with him, is to seek out counseling to see if a counselor could help mediate but otherwise I think you may be avoiding to accept the inevitable….that this marriage won’t work nor be without unhealthy dynamics especially with children added to it.

Post # 15
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I am going to take his comments with a grain of salt because (1) they are your interpretation of them, and (2) people overreact when they feel their lifes crumbling. That being said, I think neither of you is right or wrong.

He has a faith. He believes in something. And from what you wrote, it seems that whatever you want to practice clashes or goes against that faith. It is one thing to decide to change to a different faith with similar grounds, or to choose not to prace anything…But when you make a complete change, people are bound to be overtaken. If we follow the idea that you’re getting into Wicca and he is Christian, we can already see how this thinking clashes (especially if he is truly devoted). ‘

I agree that the way your husband is expressing is wrong, but I also understan where he is coming from. I think it is very similar to times when a couple has agree on having kids, and then one of them decides that maybe he/she doesn’t want kids after all. There is resentment, anger, betrayal…Yet, they are both entitled to their opinions. One of them might want to make the other feel guilty, and so on.

You have to decide how much of a dealbreaker is this for YOU. He has already told you he can’t share his life with someone who -I assume- will be practicing something that goes completely against his own beliefs. I don’t think it is fair for you to expect him to just get used to it, and I also don’t think it is fair for him to expect you not to choose it for him. 

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