In desperate need of advice/opinions

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
2061 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

He is morally equating infidelity and a change of faith because they are equally serious to him. Changing your faith is a betrayal and an infidelity of him in the same way that an affair would be. I could never be with someone who held that stance. This is what divides people: my religion is correct and other beliefs are incorrect. I am superior because of what I believe. Your value as a person/spouse/family member is diminished because your faith is different from mine. I’m sorry, Bee. Love is not enough when your SO no longer respects you or your right to think for yourself.

Post # 33
Member
5013 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2018

Your Darling Husband isn’t being disrespectful, trying to be superior, or trying to punish you in any way. He just wants to be married to someone who shares his belief system. When he married you, that’s who you were. But this isn’t like wanting to switch churches or wanting to change from Lutheran to Baptist. This is a fundamental religious change. Realistically, he wouldn’t have married you if you were practicing witchcraft when you met him. It’s not that there’s anything suddenly terrible about you as a person, but it just means you’re not who he wants to be married to. 

My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I are both Christians and talking very seriously about marriage. I love him more than anything in the world. If he suddenly told me that he wanted to practice witchcraft, Wicca, Islam, Judaism, Satan-worship, paganism, Zoroastrianism… I would still love him more than anything in the world, but he wouldn’t be the man I wanted to spend my life with and thus we would break up. 

I really feel for you and I don’t exactly have advice, but I just wanted to counter a few of the other Bees saying that your husband is in the wrong. There is no right or wrong here. 

Post # 34
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

scaredwitchless :  My Darling Husband and I are both Christians.  If he wanted to change denominations or become Catholic, that would be perfectly fine with me because it’s a decision that is still firmly within our shared belief spectrum.  If he were to want to denounce Christianity and become a Buddhist, Muslim, warlock, etc – it would be the end of our marriage.  Rejecting Jesus as Lord, abuse, and adultery are probably the only three reasons for divorce that the church would support.  

 

Your husband has as much right to his belief that it’s a marriage killer as you do to practice whatever religion/ spiritual path you choose. My guess is that bees who are less/non-religious are the ones who think your husband is out of line. 

Post # 35
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

churrosandroses :  I don’t think it sounds condescending or manipulative.  He’s not trying to get her to do anything or change anything.  We always give the advice on this site that you can’t change anyone else’s actions, all you can do is change your own.  That’s exactly what he’s doing.  When they married, they were in total agreement on something that’s very important to him.  Now she’s changed her mind, which she has every right to do.  But yes, there may be consequences!  It’s not what he signed up for, and if he can’t live with it, he may leave.  He has every right to do so.  

I have a feeling that if it was the woman saying that the man had changed his mind, everyone would be shouting “leave him!”.

Post # 36
Member
687 posts
Busy bee

OP, you have to decide if your marriage or religion is more important. That’s all it comes down to. He made that decision already. 

Post # 37
Member
9663 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

desertgypsy :  As usual, you said exactly what I was thinking. 

I think a lot of religious people (and by that I mean your typical mainstream religions) have a lot of fear of alternative religious practices because they just plain aren’t educated in them aside from what they learn from their chuches and television/movies. It’s understandable to be afraid of something you have only heard negative things about. I feel like a lot of people would be surprised if they ever spent any time on their own learning about alternative religious practices.

I also think most people have no idea how many pagan/wiccan/satanists/druids/etc they likely know and love.

Post # 38
Member
9663 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

mrsnyctola :  Do you think she’s like trying to summon a demon or what?

Post # 39
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

desertgypsy :  I just wanted to point out that Christianity (or at least the Christianity I follow) does not depict God as “white”. And beyond that, He is also genderless because He does not have a human form. We say “He” but God has no boundaries in who He is. Jesus was male, yes, but definitely not white, but Middle Eastern.  Not trying to go off topic here but I was very confused why you think that Christianity worships a white God. Just because Michaelangelo depicted God as a caucasian male doesn’t mean that’s actually what we all think.

Post # 40
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

slomotion :  I am Christian and don’t fear other religions:  I have close friends who are Jewish, Muslim, and of no religion at all.  I respect and love them just as they are- I’ve never tried to convert them and have participated in Bar/Bat Mitzahs, been to Passover dinners, written Facebook rants about Trump’s disgusting Muslim ban. I’ve spent time in mosques and Buddhist temples while traveling around the world.  I even dated someone in another faith when I was in college.  

 

None of that changes my personal belief that a married couple should share the same religion and agree to raise their children in that same faith. The Bible talks about the importance of being “equally yoked” – I believe that is because God loves us and wants us to have happy, fulfilling, successful marriages.  That doesn’t mean interfaith marriages are any less successful but I do think they require a lot more compromise as well as two willing spouses.  

 

OP entered a marriage under one agreement and is now significantly moving the goalposts on her husband.  That doesn’t automatically mean her husband is ignorant to other religions & spiritual practices.  It means he is now in a marriage whose structure is in deep conflict with what he thought were shared values.  

Post # 42
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

 

lolot :  Popular culture might depict Him that way but regardless there is nowhere in our belief system that says that God is white. It’s definitely not in the Bible lol. That would be a silly belief anyway because Jesus was Middle Eastern. God created all races so why would He confine Himself to one race is what I think.

Post # 43
Hostess
3772 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

bee123456789 :  I live in Utah.. He is definitely white and male here. 

Post # 44
Member
1234 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I don’t really understand his position. I’m an atheist and my Fiance is agnostic and anti-organized religion in general so if he suddenly became religious of any sort, that would kind of suck but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me because I still love him. The only way it would be a dealbreaker is if he started acting like a totally different person or started treating me differently.

Post # 45
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

It would help to know more about your husband’s religion. If it’s Christian, they are counseled not to divorce nonbelievers if they stray from the faith. 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 states: “12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her.<wbr /> 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband” If we’re talking about mormonism, that might be different. 

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