Post # 1
I really need some advice. I just got married on July 4th and have struggled with my husband’s family. I feel like they are constantly belittling me and I’m not sure how to fix it. We are having a reception next weekend and we are keeping it simple… but they don’t seem to understand that we don’t want a big schabang like all of them had for their wedding (He has three sisters, and one brother… ALL married.) We are having a simple bbq with a low key ‘unpopular’ band. They constantly keep asking questions and seem to be saying them in an unhappy tone “Oh, it’s not a band we know?” “Oh, the band will be done at 10? That’s early.” Oh, we aren’t supposed to dress up a lot?” We keep telling them we are KEEPING it SIMPLE – but they still seem to keep complaining about it… and it’s really making me resent all of them. I’m worrying about it all so much it’s making me sick.
And another thing – we just got a new place and his family came over to check it out. They kept referring to it as my husband’s place… not OUR place. “Oh brother, your place is so nice.” They never said OUR place.. finally my husband said, this is my wife’s place too. And they made a snotty comment about it too…
I’m just getting to the point where I don’t want to see them at all because they make my anxiety so bad… Any suggestions? Am I being over-emotional? If so – how do I stop?! Or are they just trying to make me feel belittled and small… I sure wish my husband had all brothers, it would be so much better than these cliquey sisters of his… :/
Post # 2
I think your reading too much into it, personally…IDK tho!
Post # 3
I don’t think you’re reading too much into it at all! I’m in the same boat you’re in. It’s difficult knowing that these individuals will be a part of your life FOREVER. It’s difficult knowing that everything you do will be judged. Fellow Bee, I wish I had amazing advice for you, but I’m lost myself. I just keep reminding myself that I’m moving after the wedding. That’s the only thing that’s keeping me going. Good luck!
Post # 4
Don’t let their comments get to you. I think you are looking too much into it. I don’t think they are being malicious, I just think they are making stupid comments.
When we bought our house before we got married my Mother-In-Law and SIL (whom I loveeee) kept saying to my now husband that they were so proud of him and they loved HIS house. Of course they knew it was OUR house and that I did pretty much all of the decorating, but that was them encouraging their son/brother. I didn’t take it personally. Do you know that it is YOUR home? Well then, what does it matter how they word it? No one can insult you if you are secure in yourself.
Also, you are having the wedding you want. EVERYONE in the history of wedding planning has had to put up with someone making faces or unsolicited (and sometimes rude) comments about their weddings. People LOOOOVE to have an opinion and I reallllly doubt any bride in the history of weddings has been immune to those kinds of comments or suggestions. Their opinion is their opinion. At the end of the day- they are entitled to their opinions and you are entitled to have the wedding YOU want and entitled to accept what they are saying and then let it go out the other ear.
Post # 5
You can’t control how they behave, you can only control how much you let it bother you and how you respond.
Smile and just keep saying WE and OUR — WE are just not night owls, this is how WE want it, we’d like you to join us for dinner at OUR house. Eventually they will pick up on it or not. If not, and as long as they are not really rude about it, let it be their problem and not yours.
Post # 6
If her husband noticed it too and called his family out on it, she’s clearly not reading too much into it.
I would talk to your husband about it. Explain how you feel and how it’s making you anxious and see if he has any ideas or solutions. He has to be involved, it’s his family.
Post # 7
Ugh, I feel your pain, OP. According to your post it sounds like you live close to them. I’ve had trouble with in-laws as well. No, you’re not being over-emotional. That’s a normal reaction when someone acts like an asshole toward you for no reason. Here’s some advice I’ve acquired over the years. It helps in a variety of situations. Hope it helps you!
1. They will never change. Understand that now so you can learn how to work around it.
2. Keep them at arms length. The more you can avoid them, the better.
3. Keep all financial/sex/personal business private. This is leverage for them.
4. When they make rude/bitchy/snotty comments just let it roll off of you like water on a duck’s back. They enjoy riling you up. They are doing it on purpose. Make it look like it doesn’t bother you and it will kill them. Perfect your poker face.
That’s basically all I have. Hope it helps you going forward, OP!
5. You may also talk to your husband about the rude/bitchy/snotty comments and ask him to talk to his family about it. Hopefully they will tone it down. In my experience, it does not and they make you look like the anti-christ. So, if number 4. is not an option (being quiet and saying nothing), set up boundaries or if need be, cut them out. You’ll be better off in the long run. At the end of the day you and your DH is each other’s number 1.
Post # 8
Clueless and rude doesn’t necessarily mean out to get you. Out to exclude you or reinforce their familiar role in his life? Probably. But all of the “nice place, brother” comments don’t change the reality that it’s your place.
plus, your husband is speaking up, so you have it made.
Just know that you will need a firm boundary with them and if being around them makes you feel like crap due to things they are saying or doing, do it less.
Post # 9
Your husband should address this with them and tell them how their comments are nor appreciated. It’s his family so he should deal with them. On your end, just stay positive and reiterate how excited you are for your plans.
Post # 10
Thank you all for the comments! I appreciate it a lot.
Post # 11
It’s good your husband stood up for you, but I think you need to sit him down and voice your concerns, then he needs to talk to them. He needs to say, “either show my wife some respect or you won’t be seeing us anymore.”
But you should let most of their comments roll off your back. Stop caring so much what they think. It’s YOUR reception.
Post # 12
I can understand why this is getting under your skin, but I think you’ve got to tune them out.
My parents are difficult at times too, in a lot of the ways that your IL’s are… and my husband lets me deal with them. I suggest you try to stay out of it as much as possible and let your husband handle them. He likely has had loads of practice.
Good luck, and enjoy your reception! It sounds perfect for you and your new husband, so who cares what his family says?! (Easier said than done, I know.)
Post # 13
I’ve learned in life that the more i speak up, the less i feel anxious and overanalyze things. Feel free to make a joke “hey, it’s my house too 😉 ” or just keep your mouth silent as they say “ohhh that’s early.” No need to justify or explain yourself. However, if you don’t like something they are saying just peak up or have your husband do it.
Post # 14
When I read this I have to give a little chuckle inside, here I am now in my late 50’s (yes you heard me) hoping within the next 6 months to be engaged. my previous husband of 34 years passed away a few years ago, my boyfriend who is 61, his wife died also a year before my hubby.
there are no in laws anymore, (well his mom is 91 and has dementia and dont even know how old her own son is) All we have is our children (adults) and our brothers and I dont even talk to mine, he kinda disowned me a few years ago.
It just makes me think back, I never really had In law problems in my past, my parents were good to us, and his to us also. I miss them all, its very sad. Try to make amends with family, they are all you have and someday they will be gone and then you might say WTF where did the time go.