In-law chronic health issues – self inflicted

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
5982 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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@ laurenalaine83   you’re trying to come in and control a situation that is none of your making and you really have no right to try and dictate how his family should live and what they’re doing wrong. His sister lives at home and doesn’t have to pay anything? Well so does your grown fiance right now. He’s living at home, for free, instead of paying rent somewhere AND paying down his debt like every other adult has to do. Now you’re criticising the fact that he helps them with the cars when they break down. Guess what? You help family when they’re in need. Yes, you do! They’re obviously in need, are older, and he wants to help them. You haven’t been around that long and all you’re doing is criticizing everything about his family. Seriously reconsider the engagement, I don’t think you’re a good match for him.

Post # 32
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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@ laurenalaine83   “the amount of financial support my FH gives his parents has decreased significantly over the last 2 year”

Hey bee, what I see from your update is 1) your fiancé is such a kind man with a generous spirit and 2) he has been making progress and the situation has improved over the last couple of years.  

Both are encouraging in my opinion. So I would continue building on that and keep building boundaries. Contribute what you as a family unit collectively feel comfortable with, and let the rest of the chips fall where they may. 

Post # 34
Member
477 posts
Helper bee

Have the changes he has made been because it’s something that he wants for himself, or is it because you are pushing him to do it?

Post # 36
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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@ laurenalaine83   I guess im wondering what you would like your SO to do? His dad can’t work. Open heart surgery is a big deal. What’s your best plan? Just telling him to abandon his sick parents in their time of need is not practical. 

I’m assuming that if your parents needed help, you’d also abandon them? Right? Because it might hamper your life… or would it be okay to help your parents because they are more deserving and aren’t dirty smokers whom you detest?

Post # 37
Member
203 posts
Helper bee

I haven’t read the comments. My grandad has heart failure. Hasn’t smoked in over 25 years but was a chronic chain smoker for 40 odd years.  He eats ok, exercises but nothing he can do will change the fact that is heart is failing. You can’t fix that. Your father in law probably just thinks that there is no point to quitting. You can’t force someone to quit when they want too. I hope you can work through it with your family. It’s not fun when they are ill 🙁

Post # 39
Member
1218 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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@ laurenalaine83   I can’t say I agree with the pps saying that helping family is just what you do. This goes way beyond “helping.” It sounds like your Fiance does not have adequate boundaries with his family and they just take, take, take. I can’t believe he took on debt for them.

Unfortunately, even though you say your Fiance has gotten better I would probably walk away if he wasn’t open to going to counseling. Without counseling this situation is never going to get better or it’s going to take years.

Post # 41
Member
395 posts
Helper bee

Well I hope his open heart surgery doesn’t trickle down to affect you too much. 

I understand being frustrated with people for still making bad health decisions- My mom still smokes despite a health condition that she is making worse by smoking. My dad only recently quit despite both his parents dying from lung cancer 20 years ago…i truly don’t see the fact that they smoke as a reason to have any less sympathy or care if something bad happens.  I understand- If I were you I’d be frustrated about my fiancé getting himself In debt while his sisters sat around,  but it does sound like you really just don’t like these people and are being very judgmental of their health and life choices and family dynamic. Not all people are the awesome self reliant adults you and your parents are, but that’s doesn’t mean their family should just watch them lose their house, not help when a car breaks down, etc. as punishment  – your fiancé cares about his family and wants to help them.

if your Fiance is truly planning on single handedly supporting them after the surgery and doesn’t want to, he should talk to his sisters about sharing expenses to help family. Have they ever had the conversation? 

Also quitting potato chips is not the same as quitting smoking 

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