- 2 years ago
- Wedding: January 2017
Hey bee, what I see from your update is 1) your fiancé is such a kind man with a generous spirit and 2) he has been making progress and the situation has improved over the last couple of years.
Both are encouraging in my opinion. So I would continue building on that and keep building boundaries. Contribute what you as a family unit collectively feel comfortable with, and let the rest of the chips fall where they may.
Have the changes he has made been because it’s something that he wants for himself, or is it because you are pushing him to do it?
His dad only has a part time job and now he will be out of work for at least a few months as it’s been confirmed he needs open heart surgery. Just got off the phone with FH who stated that he’ll be back to providing the missing income.
I’m assuming that if your parents needed help, you’d also abandon them? Right? Because it might hamper your life… or would it be okay to help your parents because they are more deserving and aren’t dirty smokers whom you detest?
I haven’t read the comments. My grandad has heart failure. Hasn’t smoked in over 25 years but was a chronic chain smoker for 40 odd years. He eats ok, exercises but nothing he can do will change the fact that is heart is failing. You can’t fix that. Your father in law probably just thinks that there is no point to quitting. You can’t force someone to quit when they want too. I hope you can work through it with your family. It’s not fun when they are ill 🙁
Unfortunately, even though you say your Fiance has gotten better I would probably walk away if he wasn’t open to going to counseling. Without counseling this situation is never going to get better or it’s going to take years.
I am all for helping people you love when they are in need. It has been done for me, and I have done it for others. But I also believe in boundaries, two-way relationships, and making every effort to be a self-sufficient adult. I have complete experience with not having enough money to get by – having to sacrifice, put groceries back on the shelves at the store, having to prioritize what my child needed above all else and being happy if I could just give him that for now. I am still not out of the hole my abusive marriage and horrible divorce put me in, but I’m working damn hard to pull myself out. I do not ask people for help, including my FH. I do not expect my parents or anyone else for that matter to shoulder my burdens and turn their lives upside down day in and day out to fix my problems, especially for years on end with no end in sight. I am an adult, and it is my job to figure it out. Not everything about FH’s family’s situation is 100% their doing from start to finish, but when they have seen that my FH will take care of things for them, they’ve just stopped trying. I do not expect him to let them be homeless or anything of the sort, but I do believe that this is a family that has been preying on the generosity and blind goodness of my FH for years and years to his detriment, and I’m sick of it. His sisters will not step up because 1) they probably don’t want to get into the position my FH is in with their parents, and 2) I don’t think either of them is the type of person FH is with the generosity. But enough is enough. There are two more of them. If the parents NEED help staying afloat as a result of this open heart surgery and the father being unable to go back to his part time job, I feel like at least the 3 of them should share the expense. Why should it only be my FH?
Well I hope his open heart surgery doesn’t trickle down to affect you too much.
I understand being frustrated with people for still making bad health decisions- My mom still smokes despite a health condition that she is making worse by smoking. My dad only recently quit despite both his parents dying from lung cancer 20 years ago…i truly don’t see the fact that they smoke as a reason to have any less sympathy or care if something bad happens. I understand- If I were you I’d be frustrated about my fiancé getting himself In debt while his sisters sat around, but it does sound like you really just don’t like these people and are being very judgmental of their health and life choices and family dynamic. Not all people are the awesome self reliant adults you and your parents are, but that’s doesn’t mean their family should just watch them lose their house, not help when a car breaks down, etc. as punishment – your fiancé cares about his family and wants to help them.
if your Fiance is truly planning on single handedly supporting them after the surgery and doesn’t want to, he should talk to his sisters about sharing expenses to help family. Have they ever had the conversation?
Also quitting potato chips is not the same as quitting smoking
I have no doubt quitting smoking is very difficult. But it’s hard to see someone not even make the slightest effort under the circumstances.