in-law problems

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1550 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldnt want my children around people that act like this and I would probably try to be around his family much less than you are now. How does your FH feel about them and they way they treat his sister? I dont think that there is alot you can do other than be extra supportive to his sister but if you are worried about how they may treat your future children, you should be discussing that with your FH now. If it is as serious as cutting them out of your childrens lives then your FH needs to be on board. 

Edit because I assumed his sister is an adult but re-reading I just wanted to check. If she is a minor, the emotional abuse is very serious and you may need to decide if she needs somewhere else safe to live and support with being transgender.

Post # 3
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Well, first of all you realize that their relationship is none of your business and that your relationship with your Future Sister-In-Law is totally separate and that you can give her the support they aren’t without needing their permission or approval.  

You are being very judgemental.  I understand this comes from a place of sympathy for your fsil but it may not be entirely fair.  You need to stay focused on your relationship with them not hers.  Are they treating you badly?  Are they showing an unacceptable disrespect?  Or are they just voicing their opinions?  If you don’t want to hear their opinions either make that clear or extricate yourself from their presence when they start.  

I can assure you that what they are like as parents has absolutely little to gauge them as grandparents.  Becoming a grandparent changes your whole life.  A grandchild is so much different than your children.  Plus you are the parent you will be there to shelter your child if you need too.

I find it very immature that you would even consider giving up your fi because of his parents.  That does not indicate that you have the unconditional love to be a wife and stand by a man’s side as his partner.

It’s time for you to step back and take a good look at yourself and whether your attitude is appropriate.  

Post # 5
Member
10008 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

The name thing is a personal decision. You don’t have to take his name. If it would truly bother you to share thier last name, then keep your own.

As for future kids, firm boundaries will be a must. I would let them be with my kids alone, I would call them out on inappropriate behavior and statements when they happen. If they say something inappropriate, say you would prefer they keep those views to themselves around your kids. And you can always have conversations with your kids about things they may hear from thier grandparents.

I have a complicated relationship with my mom. I believe she was emotionally and verbally abusive while I was growing up and I’m still dealing with some issues from that. I have a lot of worries about what she will be like when my husband and I have kids. We’ve already had a few discussions about what boundaries we will set up with her and we aren’t even TTC yet. I assume it will be an even bigger discussion once we already have kids. But as long as the two of you are on the same page it shouldn’t be that hard to navigate.

Post # 6
Member
1376 posts
Bumble bee

julywed18 :  A few thoughts jump out to me. I would never let any future children around them alone. There is a chance that one or more of your children will be gay, trans, suffer from depression, or have other mental health issues. They have clearly shown that they can’t handle that in a safe and kind way. Additionally, as a parent I would not want my children exposed to people who would give someone struggling with suicidal thoughts a knife even if my children aren’t struggling. That shows a disrespect for the person who is suffering and normalizes the behavior. I would want my children to know this is wrong. In the future I would just suggest that you are always there with your kids, you don’t has your in-laws to babysit and if/when they say something that is inappropriate you immediately pull your kids aside and explain why that is wrong and why we don’t say things like that to people.

I would suggest showing support for your fiance’s sibling as much as you can. Maybe invite them out and spend time with just them letting them know that you care. Additionally, did your fiance’s sibling come out as trans? In this case, it might be inappropriate to call them ‘she’ or ‘sister’. If you can get them away from the parents (the parents are not a safe place to discuss these things), I would ask them what pronouns they prefer and if they want you to call them your ‘brother-in-law’. Also ask if they have any locational preferences, for example it might be unsafe for them if you use male pronouns when around family, but if you’re out and about they might prefer male pronouns. On the other hand they might prefer male pronouns only when you two are alone because they feel unsafe with other people knowing. Make sure that you follow whatever makes them comfortable. But let them know that you are here to support them and affirm their identity.

As a side note, a lot of trans people suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts in part because their identity is hidden and they feel very unsafe. Affirming your fiance’s sibling’s identity and letting them know that you love them no matter how they identify may help them survive their depression (it won’t fix it, but it might give them a glimmer of hope)

Post # 7
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I would distance myself from your inlaws nd have an in depth discussion with your fiance about why you fel that you dont want to be close with them. I agree that you should not have your children around them if they have such bad views about their very own daughter. My very own grandmother found out one of her grandchildren is gay and says rude things to her about it to her face. Sometimes distance is needed from close minded people. If you have to have any future around them, then make it clear with your children that you do not agree with their views and that some people are closed minded. 
As for your future sister in law, be there for her and let her know that you dont agree with that kind of behaviour and treatment. I know transitioning is super hard and I have a friend who also has an unsupportive father and mother and he is very suicidal and does a lot of self harm 🙁 It breaks my heart, because no matter how much you are there for someone in that situation, nothing can really make up for the bad parent reaction. All you can do is offer your support and a listening ear. 

Post # 8
Member
1413 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I wont go into great detail, but we had to disconnect from my husbands parents for semi similar reasons, I feel for you and your situation deeply. What does hour FH think of them? I am so sorry you’re going through this. I feel so sorry for that poor sister. My in laws are HORRIBLE people and I cant even get into it, but OMGOSH it was horrible. We almost got divorced. When you get married you marry the in laws and its very hard to adjust to that at times. I am not saying a falling out is the answer I would never promote that, but it was necessary for us. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t be around such mentally ill people any more. Please just be an open ear to that poor sister. A life lost because of parents is the worst thing I could ever stomach. I would keep them very distant and have a very serious conversation with your Darling Husband about how you feel immediately. My husband was not on the same page as I was in the beginning and I constantly felt like he didn’t see what I was seeing (everyone else did) I felt like he took his moms side over mine on very serious issues that effected me to my core. I just cant stand to hear about another woman going through what I went through it was so horrible I cant even begin to tell you. I am so thankful my husband and I didn’t get a divorce and with so much positive support from my family and normalcy he was finally able to see how manipulative and borderline dangerous they were (we have a daughter who adored his mom it was so heartbreaking the hardest thing I ever had to do we have a son now and they have never met him or even sent him a congratulations nothing.) and we had to remove them. I wish I could say life is easy without them and in some ways I truly can, no more drama, no more constant crying ( my mother in law cried constantly) no more of her pretending to be dying every time we all had a disagreement no more stress from them BUT my daughter was slightly effected by the loss for a brief moment in time ( she was very little only 4 years old) but does’nt even know they exist now, its hard on us not having a little extra help once in a while, its hard on my husband because he now feels he has no family, even though my parents treat him very well, my whole family does, but there is still a void I think. I feel so bad for you. for so long I was so jealous of my brother he married this wonderful woman with amazing parents and I felt so cheated. But its life. As long as you and your husband can work together an unbreakable unit, you two will get through this. Best of luck honey I feel for you so much. Looking up articles about being in a “relationship” or close to a narcissist, it might help. 

Post # 9
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee

I’m just jumping in here to say that I totally disagree with the poster above who called you immature. His parents seem bonkers in a bad way, and that’s stressful. 

Post # 10
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I also have a challenging Mother-In-Law. Before I met her, I wouldn’t have thought something like that would strain a relationship. But it’s crazy how intensely stressful it can be. Distance yourself. You don’t need such negativity in your life. And perhaps you don’t allow your children to be in their presence without you. Only you know what’s best for your marriage and your sanity. Follow your gut, even if it’s hard.

Post # 11
Member
946 posts
Busy bee

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curiouscat2017 :  thank you. I was like “well damn!” She went IN but called someone else judgmental…..

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