In-law problems. Need reassurance/support.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
6909 posts
Busy Beekeeper

So your actual question is: is it ok for your Future Brother-In-Law to ignore your Fiance over something stupid. But your whole post is about how your Fiance doesnt have your back at all and lets his whole family walk all over you and disrespect you! 

As the saying goes, you don’t have an in-law problem, you have a Fiance problem. 

Post # 4
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

Your in-laws seem to lack boundaries. This problem will not go away. You can’t change them. 

What needs to be worked on his how your fiance deals with it. Letting your family walk all over you and disrespect your future wife is not okay. If he doesn’t begin to demonstrate that he can stand up for you and think for himself (not do whatever his family tells him to do), I would advise you not to marry him. 

These problems won’t go away unless your fiance changes how he responds to his family. 

Post # 5
Member
6909 posts
Busy Beekeeper

browncoat :  am I crazy for thinking my Future Brother-In-Law is acting like a douche

No, you are not crazy, yes he is being a douche. But that isn’t the problem. Your Fiance needs to grow a backbone and stand up for you. It’s great that he’s “starting” to see the light, but that isn’t really good enough. 

Post # 6
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

browncoat :  Ahh Bee. This situation sucks. I hope your fi learned that you NEVER EVER EVER talk sh*t about your FI/wife in front of family NEVER EVER EVER. 

It is a BIG NO NO. Because all it does is cause drama. If there is drama/problems, keep it between the two of you unless you’re being abused then please go to mom and dad for help of course. 

And his brother is a sh*t. And that is his problem. I know it’s upsetting but don’t feed the troll. Just keep being you and being warm, open, welcoming, and kind and establishing healthy boundaries. 

It goes without saying that you Fiance was wrong not to share your side of the story and stand up for you. 

I wouldn’t suggest rehashing it, but if it comes up again, he NEEDS to fess up to his misinformaiton and have your back. 

Going forward, all communication he has with his brother needs to be very firm. “I don’t like your wife/fi” “We are not discussing that. When are we meeting for lunch? So happy to hear my niece is graduating”, etc. 

“I really dont like your wife. You shoudl break up”. 

“We are not discussing this. If you continue to bring this up, I will hang up. She is a part of this family now, you either accept it or be miserble, that is your choice. But if you choose to be miserable, I will not be a part of that”. 

Obviously those are my words, but he needs to establish healthy boundaries. 

Good luck Bee, don’t feed the trolls!!

Post # 7
Member
47212 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

How your future brother in law treats your fiance and you is your fiance’s problem. He is an adult and needs to set boundaries with his brother.

Your problem is that you are letting your future brother in law push your buttons. Ask yourself why you are giving him (someone who obviously doesn’t like you, even though he doesn’t know you), the power to hurt you like this He is a minimal part of your life and should not have that much control over your feelings.

Many of us have unrealistic expectations that just because we love and are loved by one person, that their whole family is going to feel and act the same way. They are not. Life isn’t  a little cottage with a white picket fence. People have baggage and your fiance’s family may be carrying more than their share.

You and your fiance can have a happy life with minimal contact with his brother.

Post # 9
Member
6839 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I am happy to read your update, Bee, especially that you won’t marry someone if he doesn’t have your back. 

Post # 10
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

The “fiance problem” saying really drives me nuts, but it seems to be the case here. For the life of me I can’t understand why your Fiance would clue your brother in to all of these random incidents/facts about you (the awkwardness around kids, your depression, you calling his family loud). Considering his limited personal contact with you, what impression is his brother supposed to get when he’s telling him all of this negativity?!?!

Your FI’s brother does sound generally unreasonable but it seems like a lot of this could be helped if your Fiance stopped giving him ammo.

Also, for what it’s worth, I think he behaves this way because your Fiance allows it. He needs to nip this in the bud. Yesterday.

Post # 11
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2020

browncoat :  Your fiancé should be shutting the unkind criticism about you down. He should make it clear that it is inappropriate! Disrespectful people should not be alowed in your home.

Bee, I feel for you. I too grew up with abuse. If you aren’t in therapy already, I highly recommend it. Always remember, you deserve to be treated well!

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