(Closed) In-law Stress during pregnancy

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
1774 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m sorry you’re going through this!  I think you’re handling it fine.  It sounds like they are upset about something else, but no way for you to know if they’re acting unreasonable like that.  Elevated stress isn’t good for you or the baby, so I would try to let FH deal with this more, especially since they are his parents.  Hang in there!

Post # 4
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m sorry this is happening. I know what it’s like to have your spouse be the “bad guy”. My father is constantly blaming my husband for everything he doesn’t like.

I honestly think you need to stand your ground. The way it sounds, their accusations are completely unjustified. You can try to work on it with your in-laws, but if they refuse, it’s their own issue from there. I would try to reiterate the points you’ve already made, but from there, it’s their decision how they want to react. That’s what really helped me, knowing that if they didn’t want to respect the boundaries I made, it was out of my control.

Post # 5
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2000

I also got a similar awful response from the MIL-to-be while engaged (not about pregnancy–but I could see that happening too). Hubby stood up for me in a looong talk with his mom and emphasized what we are trying to create as a new family unit, she backed off and slowly tried to re-establish support. I have to say, although I’m trying to forgive and forget ..it’s very hard to trust her after the shakeup and I never ever email her b/c I don’t want to go down that road ever again. I do think that it’s important for Darling Husband to have a connection with his family (crazy as she is!) so I have to be sensitive to long-term ties. I think if he wasn’t so up front and clear about ‘protecting’ our relationship, then things would be different. Give it some time and try not to respond (to them) in a way that lets you get sucked into any emotional drama that in laws are going through.

On the brighter side, I’m glad Darling Husband is standing up for you. I think his mom is learning how to let go of her son. It’s an emotional process for some mothers/sons. (Maybe he was such a great son!!!)   Also sounds like Future Mother-In-Law is ‘trying’ to change her tune since you both asserted yourself. 

I feel ya and hope for things to turn around sooner than later!

Post # 6
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

@LpCutiPie:

It sounds like you did a good job-and that Mother-In-Law heard you and is trying to change her behavior-and just wants to see you (her son) and have a relationship with all of you.  It sounds like you just need a little time (maybe no get together with them today) but since Mother-In-Law is trying to be more respectful, I think it would be good if you could extend the ILs a little invitation/visit as soon as you feel up to it, to get beyond the hard feelings. Best Wishes

Post # 7
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

You are totally NOT wrong. There is always going to be a balance between spending time with family, and she needs to learn to let go. I think it’s great that you have a supportive husband who is on your side in this and is really standing up to his parents as needed. I would continue to stand your ground, doing what feels comfortable. You do not need the stress of being around them when they are like this while you are pregnant. It should be a joyous and happy time, and if they can’t be supportive, then you don’t need to see them or talk to them.

Since your Mother-In-Law did want to talk, I’d see if after some time, you and your husband can invite them over to talk things out. I wouldn’t hold a grudge, which it doesn’t seem like you are doing. Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

I think that your in-laws sound like they really went off the deep-end and are out of line.  But I had a few thoughts.  First, I would end your direct contact with them, except when you are with your husband in person.  That is, I would stop speaking directly with them on the phone, stop sending them emails/messages/texts or whatever.  These people are your husband’s family, and he should be the one to tell them when they are out of line.  That allows you to be protected from any crazy things they do or say, and it forces the in-laws to deal with their son, who they love, rather than their daughter-in-law, who they will never love in the same way (even if you had a great relationship).  Your husband probably knows best how to “deal” with his parents, so it just seems like an all-around better way to communicate with them.  Sometimes “directness” isn’t the best route, expecially with in-laws, in my experience.  Since it sounds like your husband has been great about standing up to them, it shouldn’t be a problem for him to be the “face” of your marriage to his parents.

Second, although they are totally out of line, I would NOT threaten (even implicitly) cutting them out of your lives, or your child’s life.  Chances are that won’t happen, and it simply escalates the situation hugely, ratcheting up everyone’s emotions and defensiveness.  Always try to diffuse rather than escalate — long term you’ll be better off.  And sadly, it sounds like you’ll have to be the more mature party in this long term relationship.

Best of luck hon!!!

Post # 9
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with others, I think you should ‘stay out of it’ by ending your direct communication with them. I HATE it when people don’t respond to emails like the one you sent your Mother-In-Law, it’s so passive aggressive and really pisses me off. Unfortunately since your Mother-In-Law chose not to respond, she is building a barrier between you two that only she can break down. I would send all communication through your husband from now on and possibly tell him to say that the two of you won’t meet up with his parents until they apologize or Mother-In-Law at least responds to your email.

I know from experience unfortunately that a normal message coming from you is more likely to be taken the wrong way than if it was delivered by the son, your Darling Husband. Everything should come from him, even if it’s just working out little things like logistics. And if it’s a decision you two have made as a couple he has to stick to his guns and not back down.

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