(Closed) In-Law Vent. Sorry, it’s long…

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

The nut allergy being brought up, did Future Mother-In-Law know that your niece had a nut allergy? Otherwise, that issue is null and void. If you didn’t tell her, she probably wouldn’t assume as much.

 

It is disrespectful after being asked, but I agree with others that you should have mentioned it yourself. I don’t believe that anybody’s floors are going to be squeaky clean whether you leave shoes on or off.. I still wouldn’t be eating off of mine, even though we take our shoes off for instance.

 

I think there is a fine line between paranoia and superclean. I honestly think that worrying that your cat is going to become ill because it started to eat a leaf from outside is overreacting.

 

It is your home, and as such your rules, but most people I know, grew up with, and have encountered leave their shoes on in and out of home. When I go into a strangers home, I usually leave my shoes on unless there is a note, rug (as mentioned before) or they inform me. The best notice I saw was at an ex boyfriends parents house, it was just a little print out card placed at the entry that said “Please remove shoes. Thanks for your cooperation” or something along those lines, as to prevent confusion or confrontation…

So yes, she was in the wrong after being asked, but I don’t think it is common practice (at least in my experience) and can understand someone not initially being aware.

 

About the bakeware – that WOULD get on my nerves, especially with the oil, you would expect there to be a little care taken in someone elses kitchen.

Post # 18
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think I could ever take my shoes off in someon elses home. Give me the booties-I’ve been asked to wear those before. In my house growing up, taking off articles of clothing like that was very disrespectful. My paraents were clear that even if you were staying the night, your stuff stayed in it’s designated area out of sight in your suitcase and the shoes, outer shirts, and jewlery stayed on unless sleeping or showering. “We don’t appreciate people moving in..” My mom would say.

I would be horrified if someone asked me to take off my shoes. Go buy the booties-maybe the idea of being shoeless in your house makes her uncomfortable

Post # 20
Member
2259 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree. Maybe cause I’m a neat freak but kicking food around someone else’s floor = WRONG. D: Ew. I probably wouldn’t have felt faint and immediately asked them to remove shoes, put on manners, etc. Yuck. 

 

It’s okay to say something, but considering it’s your fiance’s parents…. I think he should take the stand. I certainly wouldn’t be inviting them back unless I knew it wouldn’t happen again. Maybe only meeting them outside your apartment or keeping them away from your personal space at best? Some people are plain rude and maybe it’s a good thing to keep your apartment as private from them as possible to avoid any more damage. 

Post # 21
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Next time, just put up a note like the pp said, or ask her yourself to please remove her shoes.  

Your Mother-In-Law may just not have realized how deeply you felt about it, since you weren’t talking about it to her, but only through your partner.  I understand that she should have taken them off after he asked her, but I guess I don’t see it as some sort of huge offensive thing.  That might be because in my family, asking someone to remove their shoes is kind of rude.  We only take off our winter boots, and then immediately put on shoes. 

I certainly do not agree with the pp who suggested you not host your in-laws again over this.  That would be a huuuuge overreaction in my opinion.  She didn’t poison your cat or set fire to your living room – she wore a piece of clothing that you objected to. 

ETA: I hope this didn’t come off as completely insensitive – I know how annoying it can be to have someone be so uncooperative.  I just think there are ways to hopefully avoid this in the future.  Good luck!

Post # 22
Member
2947 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@GwenvonD: Wow, this was somewhat similar to my weekend with the Future In-Laws visiting, though not as extreme. In our home growing up with a Korean mother, we always removed our shoes before entering the house. It was my fault for not speaking up to the ILs but it’s intimidating when you’re just the fiancee. PPs have great suggestions that I’ll keep in mind as well. 🙂 Good luck!

Post # 23
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

It’s not that deep. Some people just don’t take shoes off in the house. 

Post # 24
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I was brought up with the understanding that it is incredibly rude to remove shoes in someone else’s house unless instructed to do so. I would never take off my shoes in someone else’s house unless they asked me to. The fact that your Mother-In-Law didn’t remove her shoes doesn’t really surprise me or seem all that unusual. What WAS disrespectful and rude was her refusing to do so even after she was asked to. If someone asks you do do something (reasonable) in their home, dear god you do it!

Post # 25
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

to be completely honest – if i was buzzed into someones building and they decided to jump into the shower hoping to be finished by the time the lift/stairs got me to their front door i would be a bit pissed.  yes they were early but that doesnt mean you should open the door to them “buck naked soaking wet” (your words) when you knew they were making their way to your front door, you should have waited for them then excused yourself for 15mins to have a shower

the rest of the issues – if their biggest crime is wearing shoes indoors (unless you have white carpet i guess), a brownie pan being damaged (yes i would be pissed but its not that big a deal in inlaw court) and some spilled oil then you have great inlaws

Post # 27
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

GwenvonD,

Sorry, I really don’t think it’s an issue of you telling her. J told her several times. She saw everyone  else including her husband removing their shoes. I personally think she was just being difficult.

Good luck with her next visit.

Post # 28
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2022

as most people said i think you are over reacting! I understand you want to keep your house clean and if the shoe problem bothered you THAT much you should have said something. Ok so she got oil on a coffee pot, accidents do happen. And if your new baking dish got scratched that badly then ask her to pay for a new one. I’m not meaning to sound harsh, but these seem like minor annoyances and not Huge problems. My advice to you would be to open your mouth to his mother sometime and not take your Fiance into the bathroom and Demand he speak to his mother! Good Luck

Post # 29
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Maybe she is self conscious about her feet – a lot of people might feel weird about not wearing shoes in mixed company.  Also depending on how old she is, it might be hard for her to get her shoes on an off.  I would suggest having a few options readily available for you guests if the shoe thing is a house rule.

A cubby or rack to house the shoes neatly.  Booties for those who have trouble or don’t wish to remove their shoes. And lastly a basket where guests who are staying for a few days can store their house slippers for easy access when they come in and out of the house.  If you want guests to respect your house rules, be mindful and prepared to respect their comfort level with those rules.

Post # 30
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@GwenvonD: oh my god. I am so glad this is about shoes. (I know it is more about the disrespect, but still).

In support of no shoes in the house: Fiance and I made a rule to not wear shoes in the house when we got our apartment (new, white carpet – yikes!), and when we moved into our house we kept the same rule, after reading research about how disease is transmitted through shoes (think of stepping in spit or dog crap and then wearing them into your house – yuck city!). By not wearing shoes and doing a few other things, Fiance recently told me that he notices he gets sick a lot less frequently. So when a family member lived with us and would not always remember to leave shoes at the door, after constant reminders, I would get so pissed. Everyone treated me like a crazy for asking, but I have my reasons (beyond having white carpet!)!

Now I just ask when someone comes to the door to take them off. I suggest having a rack by the door and slippers for them or something similar, so she really gets that you are serious. I do agree, though, that sometimes people will do the opposite of what you want just to irk you. She could be trying to assert that she is still the ‘alpha female’.

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