(Closed) In-Laws

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Well, I think you might be feeling a little too sensitive about the subject.  (That is if it’s pretty much just this.)  Some people really don’t like computers.  Just because your family is their age and do keep up, isn’t comparable.  Sure being older is a big factor in someone shying away from computer stuff.  But the fact that some older folks do use computers doesn’t mean that all will.  For as much as you put into your website, they might be frustrated that they have to "jump through hoops" to check it out.  (While I don’t think it’s a huge deal to set up an account, I can appreciate feeling like you shouldn’t have to do it.  I don’t need anymore accounts with usernames and passwords.)  They might be the type of people who are really concerned about giving information online, because of hackers.  Even if you feel like there’s nothing to be afraid of.  You probably can’t convince them.   And honestly, she’s probably right that you can just give her the info she needs.  Or maybe being older, she doen’t see the point in a website, so doesn’t really get the big deal.

Try not to be too sensitive, because some people just aren’t going to bother to check out the website.  And if they do now because it’s new, you’ll probably see a decline in hits.

Now if you feel there are other things going on, and this was just another way to dig at you, that’s a different story.  But try to let some of their stuff roll of your back.

Post # 5
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree with Tanya–try not to take their behaviour too personally.  Even if it IS because they don’t like you, where is it going to get you to fixate on that possibility? You even said they don’t really know you yet.  The important this is that you’re talking to your Fiance about your feelings, and you guys are communicating about your partnership. 

I notice you are really recently engaged.  Know that your family’s behaviour (both his and yours) will change as the engagement goes on.  Some people will become more interested, some less, some jealous, many excited–trust me, people go through a whole range of emotions about the marriage of someone close to them (even more so if that pesron is their child, sibling or of some other very close relationship).  For example, my mother was really excited about our wedding for a long time (and very involved, since we had it at her house).  It was really hard not to be sad about the fact that she got totally drained by T-60 and didn’t even seem to be enjoying herself the week of the wedding because she couldn’t wait for all the work to be over.  Just know that you can’t do much about these other people’s feelings and behaviours so try not to hang too much of your own happiness on them. 

It could be that your in-laws feel shut out by what they perceive to be a "technological hassle", but it could also be that they are going through some reactions to you guys getting married–and if they don’t know you very well yet, then those reactions are probably all their own issues and you just happen to be the woman marrying their son, so it’s getting worked out on you! 

I have fairly a fairly un-loving, cold set of in-laws so I had to adjust to trying not to be hurt every five seconds by their style of communication and their actions.  I know what it feels like to be hurt by people you’re TRYING to consider family and how misunderstood you can feel sometimes since they haven’t known you as long as your own family…..if you need an ear, feel free to PM me!

Post # 6
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

I’d be upset, but I wouldn’t do anything about it. As Tanya said, some people don’t like to do online stuff as much as others. I set up a google doc and my mom doesn’t really look at it, even though she already has gmail and it’s easy for her to just pop in to the Doc. So I email her the info – and then she’s happy to have it. I know she cares about our wedding; I guess she just does’nt want to mess with the google doc. I don’t think she’d want to deal with an extra login/wedding web site, either.

Regarding suggesting eloping, our families would do that too – they are all about being practical and saving money (Like I am) – I know they wouldn’t suggest soemthing like that because they’re against us in any way. 

And as far as the other traditions, some people are just uncomfortable with that kind of thing. Are these traditions equating to his parents having to do something publicly? For example, some dads don’t want to walk their daughters down the aisle simply because they feel uncomfortable or shy/weird about it. If the traditions youre asking of them are making them uncomfortable, maybe that’s why they’re not being positive about it. (I’m not trying to accuse you of anything here – I’m just sayin’ – sometimes people are Just That Way.)

If you’re really concerned about family drama between you and the ILs, maybe your Fiance should talk to his parents, and see if there are some underlying issues. You have to deal with these people forever. It’s best to make peace and be comfortable with them if you can! 🙂


Post # 9
2640 posts
Sugar bee

"They made an off handish comment that some guys marry woman that steal him away from his family and that he should watch out for that.."

Aww, see there it is.  Do you feel this is coming more from his mom than dad?  It’s a tough situation when he’s living so far from them.  He’s getting married, but they don’t really know you.  To them it probably feels like he’s marrying someone he hardly knows.  Even though, it’s really just them.  And the situation is no one’s fault.  But it might have something to do with what they are feeling.

Is there a way for you two to travel up to spend more time with them?  I think the best way for a newby to come into a family and gain approval is to make a real connection to the parents (or whomever).  Can you go to lunch with his mom, sometime when you two visit?  One on one, is really good.  That way you are developing a relationship with her.  (Not just this girl attached to her son’s hip.)  If you can’t go to visit them that easily, do you think you could call her on the phone to chat?  Maybe there is a wedding detail or two you can use as a reason.  Then you two can talk about other things.  Maybe your Fiance can give you some ideas about what you and his mom have in common.  If you can establish a relationship with her, she’s likely to feel more comfortable that you will want to spend some holidays with them, and not just do everything with your family.

And weddings can be tough.  Because the bride’s family often pitches in more money.  the bride orchestrates most everything and has it her way.  It’s the beginning of a marriage, and it seems all about the bride and her family.  I think the groom’s family, can often feel a little bewildered as to where they fit in the mix.

Hugs.  Good luck.

Post # 10
3 posts
  • Wedding: November 2010

(Hugs). I’m in a similar situation as you where my Fi’s parents have already expressed that they want NOTHING to do with our wedding. Does it hurt, you bet. Is it hard to deal with, definetely. I’m definetely muddling through these sorts of issues my self, (my Future In-Laws aren’t necessarily members of my fan club) so I understand where you are coming from. 

 I wish I had better advice for you but just keep your head up. Tayna123 really put it best so take her advice and good luck!  

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