Post # 1
My furture in laws and my Fiance are driving me CRAZY.
Fiance is finally getting to the ending stages of being put into our state’s police academy. It has been a very long and trying process. We both have accepted that it is a very dangerous profession, and I have talked with Fiance multiple times what he would want done if something were to happen to him because I feel as his soon to be wife, it is going to be my role to call the shots if something does happen. It’s not ideal to talk about it, and Fiance doesn’t like to talk about it, but we both know each-other’s wishes in case something does happen.
Fiance called me last night and said that his dad and stepmom made him sit down and tell him what his wishes would be if something were to happen because they “don’t trust” me to make decisions on behalf of him. His parents have also said multiple times that they want FI’s flag if something were to happen to him (Our state police funerals are similar to military)- like who thinks about this stuff?!?! Even though they pushed for us to get engaged/married, I feel like they have no respect for me. I talk about everything with my mom, and am super close with her, and they aren’t close with their kids, so they have told him on multiple occasions that I need to “grow up” for being so close with my mom and have told Fiance they lost a lot of respect for me because of this. They get so mad when I ask my mom her opinion about wedding things and go with what she says, but if we don’t listen to what they tell us to do, they get mad at us.
They say stuff to undermine me ALL the time like this, and Fiance just lets it slide. I feel like he should be sticking up for me and the fact that we are getting married, and these important decisions are between him and I. I always value their opinion, but we need to be making decisions as a couple without them being involved. I never involve my mom with major decisions like this.
Am I just overthinking it? I don’t even want them at the wedding if they aren’t truly happy he is marrying me.
Post # 2
They tell you that you need to “grow up” because you have a close relationship with your Mom, but yet they want to have control over what happens to your Fiance if god forbid something happens and they also want his flag from his hypotheical funeral? Yeah, that makes sense. **rolling eyes hard**
This issue here is that your Fiance just lets the stuff they say to you slide. Your Fiance should be sticking up with you in regards to his parents. He also needs to tell them that any decisions regarding him possibly being hurt or killed is something that is between him and you.
As far as his wishes if something were to occur before you two get married, he really should have any and all of those wishes written down in a legal document. That way you and his parents won’t be fighting by his hospital bed about what he actually wanted. So your Fiance may want to talk to a lawyer and get things down on some legal paperwork.
Post # 3
they sound nuts. I don’t blame you.
I do agree that your Fiance should tell them to back off though. Maybe you two can talk about that over dinner or something.
As for the final wishes if something happens (I hope not), he needs to get something legally written up, like the other poster said. He may even have something now or will soon when he gets into the police academy. My husband is military, and when we were engaged, he updated his paperwork to make sure that I was listed on his paperwork as his fiance and soon to be wife. When we got married, he made me the main beneficiary right away, replacing his dad. He updates it every year with new information, additions to family, etc. so it’s always up to date with his wishes, benefits, etc. I imagine your Fiance will have something simliar.
Your future parents in law are concerned for their son, I understand, but they are going over your head and I see how you are annoyed. Once married, you legally trump them, so he can tell them all they want, but you’re going to be the legal beneficiary and they need to accept that.
Post # 4
Oh OP, I feel your pain. Immensely.
My fiance is military and is deploying right after the wedding. His parents have used his steady two week paycheck as a means to use him as a bank often – he stopped shortly after we started dating.
We will have the unwanted talk about the devil in the details if he were to be killed along with POA.
As his wife, I expect to have full authority over his wishes, his estate and whatever else he leaves behind. We plan to have a legal document explicitely stating so – his will and POA.
It’s scary and soul crushing to think of our loved one gone in the line of duty. Terrifying to think of the aftermath we may be left with too.
My advice – let them “undermine” you every chance they get. Don’t spend a lot of time with these people. Show the love to your man. If you have to be around these idiots of inlaws, put them respectively in their place, immediately.
Funny how they harp on you for naturally being close to your loving and supportive mother when the can’t seem to cut the apron strings with their son.
Post # 5
As for the flag? I’m not sure how police & troopers do it, but I know for military that the spouse & parents may get one if specified by the military member.
What I worry about is the life insurance. As spouse and per my service member, I will get everything. Of course there is no amount of money in the universe that could equal my guy. I unfortunately can see his parents demanding that they are entitled to it or a portion of it.
Just be sure you both discuss in full detail what you both want and make sure there is a legally binding document to use as supportive evidence to avoid adding additional stress when he may not be with you.
Post # 6
If your name – and your name alone – is specified in the insurance documents, they can demand all they want but they won’t receive a dime.
Post # 7
WOW. Wowwee wow. Thats insane. Your Fiance needs to man up and set boundaries with his parents.
I am a cop wife and the whole thing ” what do you want to happen to you when you die ” is so MORBID. Not to mention incredibly disrespectful to you that they said they wanted a flag ( seriously why are they thinking of this?)
You are doing to be dealing with the baggage that comes with being a cop wife. Your opinion trumps theirs. Period. End of Story. It is not an easy road trust me and the fact that they have this attitude already is scary.
They can talk and request all they want but if you and your Fiance are on the same page that is all that matters. Make sure when you do marry all your paperwork is in order ( power of attorney, will, beneficiary of life insurance ect). Sounds like they absolutely would fight you on these things so get your stuff together
Post # 8
I will also be named as beneficiary on all of his life insurance documents for the state, so that is at least reassuring.
I feel like it is almost a waste to do a will now because there isn’t much he has left to leave. We are both recent college grads, but I guess we will have to get one drafted with all of his wishes in it.
Post # 9
You need to have a will drawn up that states his wishes and also specifically states that you are to be in charge of handling his affairs. Take care of it now, before he finishes his training. You can update it after marriage. As horrible as it is to plan for things like this, it needs to be done.
Post # 10
oh I know. They are less than tactful people & I can see them badgering me about money before their son would be cold in the ground.
Wonderful family Im marrying into. Luckily my guy likes lots of distance between them.
Post # 11
we are in the same boat, barely two pennies to rub together haha.
It’s better to have the nitty gritty hammered out and in an unquestionably format. People get nasty when death & money mix. Best to avoid it all together so you can focus on more important things, like grieving and healing.