(Closed) In-laws and guest list drama – making demands 60 days before wedding?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1799 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Just continue to stand your ground. There isnt mich more you can do than that!

Post # 4
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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arosebyanyothername:   But you took the time to scroll down and leave a useless comment?

Post # 5
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I have been on both sides of the fence, MOB and also the inlaw when our son was married.  I was a little disappointed that at our son’s wedding we really did not know that much what was going on; but when I conversed with her mother, she did not know either.  So sometimes the brides when they are no longer living at home plan and only provide information on a need to know basis. Yes, I did feel a bit excluded but she had so many friends to discuss ideas with, I understood as well.

The one thing I really did not like is I was told to keep our guest list short as she had so many relatives that would be attending.  We are not from the state we cuirrently reside so our relatives and close friends would be traveling a distance.  This made it a bit easier when we could not include them…but it was something they will always remember, not being invited to our son’s wedding.

When our daughter was married we encouraged the couple to extend the guest list since we were paying for the majority of the wedding (daughter is in graduate school) on both sides.  Those who chose to come did and some did not; but this way everyone in the family felt included.

We were always told that for various reasons only about 1/2 to 2/3 of invited guests will attend the wedding.  Don’t be too hard on your mother in law for wanting to include all her closest friends, it is a time of celebration.  If it is the cost itself, possibly they would help a bit more to alleviate some of the burden.  Keep the communication lines open, be honest yet gracious and keep in mind not every family is cut from the same mold. 

Best wishes!

Post # 6
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Greenspot Farms

Ugh this sounds awful 🙁

im so sorry and you have my sympathy. I feel very bad for you and especially your Fiance for dealing with these nutty parents. You’ve been much more patient than I could have been. 

Just keep standing your ground, let your coordinator have the guest list, and don’t lose sight of what’s most important – you’re getting married soon! 🙂

Post # 8
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee

Just keep staying consistent, like you would with a child. When they try to invite someone behind your back, keep saying no. I had an aunt who wanted to bring a friend of her’s I had never met at the last minute, but we said that our final numbers had already been sent to the venue and there was nothing we could do about it. I said that we were literally not able to add anyone else to the list and every single chair was already filled, so if she showed up she wouldn’t have any place to sit.

Sorry if I missed it, but why take money from your family but then refuse to take it from FI’s?  

Post # 9
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s only long to those who have trouble reading. 

Your ILs sound like a real trial. You have my sympathy, and I wish I had some advice to give you. If they gave you the money upfront would you consider inviting more people? For myself, I’m always wary when people offer to pay for something at the 11th hour. And the nerve of your FIL! Telling you who to invite and he can’t even get there himself! Talk about not being hypocritical…

Post # 10
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Well for what it’s worth, I didn’t find your post long at all. Probably because the scenario is so insane that I was instantly hooked to your story and eagerly continuing to scroll down and read how nuts they are. 

I’ve got some in-laws I’d love to change myself. Father-In-Law is not bad, but Mother-In-Law is one of the most vile, manipulative, and mean person I have ever met in my life. Luckily my husband is aware and agrees of this. We try to stay as far away as possible but unfortunately cannot indefinitely stay away as he has lots of siblings who are close to one another so we constantly have to see them, and of course she always has to be there. Unfortunately her personality trickles down to some of her children, especially her one and only daughter who I cannot stand either, for similar reasons. 

I wish I had great advice, but all I can tell you is to do what my husband and I do, and that’s stand together as a team. I let him know when things bother me and we have frank and honest conversations where we truly hear the other out and respect how the other is feeling. We put the relationshop with one another before the happiness of anyone else in the family being happy, which looks to be what you and your fiance are doing. Just stick to this plan and always back one another up. 

You cannot control your Mother-In-Law and FIL’s behavior, unfortunately. You can only control your reactions to their craziness. Put them in place when you need to and don’t focus too much of you and your FI’s time together discussing them. Make them irrelevant by not giving them your personal attention at home by bringing them up often. 

Good luck bee. Having shitty inlaws sucks…at least you have a great BIL!

Post # 11
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

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arosebyanyothername:  And you had to tell her this because…?

Post # 12
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

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skylar84:  I don’t have much in the way of advice as I haven’t even started my wedding planning. I’m either eloping or just having a small civil ceremony. But, I can feel your pain. I too come from a quiet family that appreciates an economy and thoughtfulness of words. My fiance’s family feels like monster jam all the time. They yell, scream, insult each other and it’s such a foreign way of communciating to me. What I think is toxic, my fiance says is just “normal”. It’s hard to navigate that type of dynamic if you’re not used to it. Good luck with everything and I’m glad to hear your fiance is willing to take a stand.

Post # 13
Member
10110 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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saragorgon:  

But you took the time to scroll down and leave a useless comment?

Indeed, and had she actually read the whole thing, she would have found that it was  perfectly fascinating , well written and rather rather  witty  ,not to mention graciious! 

 

Post # 14
Member
10110 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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arosebyanyothername:  

The  post needs no editing , it is just fine . And very interesting. Of all the long  posts you  might have made your empty criticism on  ,  this was one of the least apposite.  

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