(Closed) In-laws aren't ready for grandchildren

posted 6 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

My own mother is not enthusiastic about becoming a grandparent.  In her defense, she is very young, so she wants me to wait a while.  Although, I know she’d be thrilled if I did end up becoming pregnant soon, she would rather be older when she becomes grandma.

My mother-in-law is a bit strange when the topic comes up.  She loves her grandchildren and is all enthusiastic about them.  However, when I talk about Darling Husband and I conceiving, she says things like, “Well, (FIL) and I waited seven years to have a child.”  Or, “You don’t need to have kids, (DH) is enough to deal with.”  She never acts like she really wants a child from us. 

Post # 4
Member
334 posts
Helper bee

How old are you? (if you don’t mind me asking). 

Late 40’s is on the younger side of becoming a grandparent, perhaps she has a fear of being called ‘granny’ lol. 

My parents will be in their early 60’s when they get grandchildren, but they did have my brother and I when they were in their 30’s, and we will follow the same trend. 

Post # 5
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My exact thought when I read your post title was “Tough for her!” Seriously, though, I just don’t understand how someone is “not ready” to be a grandmother. It’s not like she’s raising them, she can enjoy her life fully and your children’s at the same time. 

Post # 7
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 1993

I’m sure they’ll be supportive, but if given the choice they personally would prefer to enjoy their current situation a little longer.  Maybe they really like being empty nesters and aren’t super thrilled about giving up their independence, even if they really enjoy being grandparents.  You know?

Post # 8
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

They have no say in when you procreate. I would tell them once you’re through your first trimester (whenever it happens).  They will not give you grief then, and if they do, your Fiance will have to have a heart to heart.

Post # 9
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@love108:  They have no say in when you procreate

yep! have children when it’s right for you, not his parents.

Post # 10
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

My mom has told me she’s not ready to be a grandmother, which is almost odd considering I’m in my late 20’s, Fiance is in his early 30’s and my parents were older when they had me. My mom is in her late 50’s and my dad is in his early 60’s. You’d think they would be ready to br grandparents! It’s all good though, since Fiance and I don’t plan on TTC for a few years.

Post # 11
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I dont think her reply was supposed to be a sign of lack of support. I think it is more that you are currently talking in hypotheticals. If you want a real reaction from her, tell her your plans and timelines. Non-specifically saying that she would have grandchildren soon means she can give you a less-than-serious answer. 

It also sounds like she wants you guys to settle down before you have kids. That’s not a slight. It’s just opinion. Either way, a baby on the way (for real) changes everything. 

Post # 12
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

lol DH’s mom was trying to talk me into getting pregnant before the wedding! My mom jokes that she isn’t ready to be a grandma but when I asked her if she really felt that way, she said that she wanted Darling Husband and I to have kids when we were ready, that she never wanted to me to feel pressured into having kids. My aunt pushed and pushed and pushed my cousin to have kids and I think that’s why my mom is the exact opposite. My cousin ended up getting pregnant out of wedlock… whether that was because my aunt pressured her so much or what, I don’t know.

Post # 13
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@hisgoosiegirl:  agree, but I’m sure that they ARE enjoying that their children are grown and able to look after themselves. There is no way they won’t coo over your future babies but maybe don’t expect them to babysit, or act as childcare as they have only just finished raising their own children and are enjoying “just them” time, (and probably still working full time too), which is also a fair point!

Post # 14
Member
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I have to mirror the statements by previous posters, but I also have experience with this.

My Darling Husband is the oldest child of 3 boys for my ILs, but we were the last to get married. We had been engaged for nearly 2 years, his middle brother was married to SIL during the first year of our engagement and his youngest brother decided that he and his now wife wanted to get married before us. Mother-In-Law kept talking about how we needed time to “get to know each other,” which I understand for some people but it didn’t really apply to Darling Husband and I. We moved in together rather quickly (which was HUGELY taboo in his family, but again worked for us) after 9 months of dating and bought a house 2 years before we were married.

Mother-In-Law and Father-In-Law waited 7 years before trying for a family. They had a miscarriage about 5 years into the 7 year wait, but Mother-In-Law has said that she feels that their first child came at the right time. She kept mentioning the “getting to know each other” thing, even though we lived together for most of our relationship already.

Darling Husband and I had our own reasons for starting our family immediately after getting married. Darling Husband is 9 years older than me and had expressed his concern about being “too old” to be a dad in his eyes if we waited. I was also told that I had fertility issues and that it would take me a while to get pregnant.

Well, 2 cycles in to TTC and I got pregnant (as my body laughed in the doctors’ faces who said I was possibly infertile). We told our families right away (and thank goodness we did – I was SO sick for the first 20 weeks of pregnancy!) but Mother-In-Law was hesitant. Not to say that she was unsupportive, but she most certainly wasn’t excited. Father-In-Law was much more excited from the beginning. Now that I’m 35 weeks in to my pregnancy, Mother-In-Law is VERY excited about her grandchildren coming and has really come around. I was concerned at first, but realized that the decision was between Darling Husband and I alone – that’s it. Mother-In-Law never said anything unsupportive but was just not excited until recently.

I guess what my novel is trying to say is that she will most likely come around when it sinks in for her when you are pregnant. But DON’T let her opinion of not being ready for grandchildren sway what you and Darling Husband want. The two of you are your own family now and while Mother-In-Law is important, her input doesn’t trump what your little family decides is best for you.

Post # 15
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

That response is usually because they feel too young to be called grandma and grandpa.  I hear it all of the time.  When you get pregnant, they will get over it quickly.

Post # 16
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I wouldn’t worry about it.  She may not want to pressure you two.  Also, even the most disapproving people change their tune pretty quickly when you put a grandbaby in their arms.

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