(Closed) In Laws Comparing Weddings

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

They are rude people. Your finances are none of their business.

Post # 3
Member
2130 posts
Buzzing bee

Leave them out and share your exciting news with your family. If they bring it up your fiancé can tell them he doesn’t bother because he knows they will just compare. Put it back on them, they sound very rude and self absorbed. 

Post # 4
Member
2325 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

yep, I second garnobella:  Don’t tell them any details. If they ask, just say you’ve not decided yet, or they’ll have to wait and see. 

Post # 5
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I’m going to play devils adovate here. I’m a UK bee and from what you’ve said I would take most of their comments as positive. 

“Don’t you want something like your brother had? It was so nice.” – to me it sounds like they want to offer suggestions to help and show enthusiasm but perhaps haven’t been to many weddings in the last few years so are mainly using examples from the younger brothers wedding. I wouldn’t take this as comparing. Comparing would be “younger brother had a wonderful wedding, yours was horrid”. 

“Everyone knows you’re not going to have a wedding like theirs. It was extravagant, some would say too extravagant, and no one expects you to be able to afford that.”  – this one is actively praising you and saying that younger brothers wedding was over the top. Plus is there any chance that because you’re starting a new life in a different country they think finances might be tight? 

I hope I’m right and that this is just a case of slight cultural miscommunication. 

Post # 6
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

“Everyone knows you’re not going to have a wedding like theirs. It was extravagant, some would say too extravagant, and no one expects you to be able to afford that.” 

I would take this as her trying to reassure you that people WON’T be comparing and that you aren’t going to be judged for not having the same type of wedding.

Post # 7
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Even if they meant well this is weird. Why actively encourage you to “copy” from his brother’s wedding if they think you can’t afford that?

Maybe the details you’ve shared sound odd to them because of cultural differences? I’m sure everything will turn out lovely.

Post # 8
Member
1983 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I felt very similar, my partners brother got married in 2014. My future  laws would say “they’ve done it on a shoestring”, “they’ve done everything themselves but didn’t they throw a good party”, “they had no help from us”. FBILs marriage feel apart after 6 months so we got a small respite but then we got “with everything that’s going on with your brother, do you think you’re making the wrong decision?” My mum told me I was taking things to heart too much but that felt like a direct comparison and a harsh one – if he can’t make his marriage work, you two have no hope. We stopped telling them about our plans, only to get told we weren’t involving them enough. So we told them our plans and they said we were investing too much energy into the wedding, we need to focus on the marriage. There might not be any easy ground with your future in laws with regards the information you give them or even in the future (at least with mine it seems to just stem from the wedding). Unfortunately if you feel the comparison now, you’ll probably still feel them after the wedding. So, do what makes you both happy. Plan your wedding and try not to worry too much. I know it’s easier said than done but I wasted a lot of time and energy at the beginning of our engagement trying to make our weddings different when actually they were different enough because of budget priorities and personal tastes.

Post # 9
Member
9174 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

stop sharing.  no one except my mom who helped me plan, Darling Husband and myself knew anything about my wedding.  my bridesmaids knew the color of their dress and what time they had to be were.

if anyone asked on DH’s side, we just said you will have to wait and see.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
4943 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

No more sharing, period.

Post # 11
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Can you give us any examples of things they’ve suggested from the brothers wedding? Are they cheap/expensive ideas. Could it also be that they are family/regional/UK traditions that they are trying to help you to know about? 

Post # 13
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

I agree with PP. It sounds like the sister is trying to say that no one is expecting it to be lavish, so you shouldn’t compare what you’re doing to the brother’s. I’d just ignore his parents’ comments unless they’re paying for it.

Post # 14
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

browneyedgirl86: could it be that he’s being overly sensitive and misconstrewing what their intentions are to you? I’m in the UK and I’ll admit before wedding bee I was unaware that customs on paying varied as much as they do so you might be right about the bridesmaid dress confusion making them think money is tighter than it is.

Also if they are tight on money could it be that they are worried about the costs of all of their flights to the US? 

Have you and your Fiance lived together before? Or is one of you relocating after the wedding? Are they maybe sad about him being further away than he is now?

Another thing to think about is that as American and UK weddings are different in some ways are they perhaps trying to have some input in the planning because the wedding is taking place in the US. I know you said the venue reminds you of your childhood holidays and that its in the states, could they perhaps feel that the wedding represents you more than your FI? 

Post # 15
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Honestly the wedding you’ve described his brother having does sound quite posh for a uk wedding so I understand them saying it was over the top. American weddings seem to be a lot fancier then most uk ones. I had a country house wedding and got a few side eyes from people and comments about it being expensive. I wouldn’t read too much in to their comments it sounds like they are just trying to help and be involved but doing it the wrong way. Also if the brothers wedding was in england and yours is in america maybe they don’t realise that most of the stuff is the same and think they are suggesting new things. 

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