(Closed) In Laws Comparing Weddings

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
1937 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Your FI’s bro was probably the only wedding they’ve been IMMEDIATELY apart of in terms of planning. involvement, etc. My guess is all this comparing is because it’s all they KNOW. I don’t think it’s personal. They’re trying to be involved they’re just not doing a good job lol

Post # 18
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

browneyedgirl86:  it sounds like you’re trying to make them feel involved but they might just be wording things badly when they talk with you. I know you said you’re an international couple, had you spent much time with them before this? 

I think perhaps some of the choices your Fiance is making (no uniform,US wedding) might be making them feel that you are making the descisions (even if you’re not). Have you asked them if there is any family traditions they would like at the wedding? Perhaps then they’d feel included? 

I don’t think they’re making you feel this way on purpose, I think perhaps you’re feeling (understandably) sensitive and they’re not being sensitive enough. 

Post # 20
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

browneyedgirl86:  I think you should try talking directly with your Future Mother-In-Law. Ask her if there’s anything that would be really meaningful to her for you to have. I know in my family mothers always make the wedding cake (not a British tradition just a family thing). Or maybe you could give her a special task like doing a reading so she feels important?

Don’t take this the wrong way but because you are doing traditional things the “American way” (even though British traditions are similar but less) she might feel as though their family and British traditions aren’t being represented. I know personally I find things like garter tosses a bit much (probably my British prudishness :p) so you might be thinking a similar way. That its going to be very American that that they won’t fit in or feel comfortable. 

I feel for you because I think your idea of a camp style wedding weekend is lovely but I can see why it might be outside their comfort zone especially if they don’t know you super well. I’d also be careful that your Fiance isn’t taking the easy way out of disagreements with them by suggesting that you’re making the decisions. 

Next time you’re in the UK I’d suggest you go out for a coffee with your Future Mother-In-Law and chat with her to about things outside the wedding, just to put her at ease that she’s gaining a daughter not losing a son.

Post # 21
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

browneyedgirl86:  Your situation reminds me of what I had to deal with when I first got engaged. My fiance and I are both teachers so of course, everyone knows that we definitely don’t have money growing on trees. With that said, my fiance’s sister, who is my Maid/Matron of Honor immediately started to question all of our planning. I felt like she was way too concerned about how much we were spending. My fiance and I booked a rustic bistro for our engagement party and  she’d  just drop one liners like “Are you sure you want to spend that much? Maybe you can have your party at the Knights of Columbus?” (Where their brother had his). I absolutely let her know that while I appreciated the concern, it’s our wedding and we’re paying for all of it so we’re going to do whatever we want. 

Post # 22
Member
8265 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

 

browneyedgirl86:  

Along with all  the sensible things pp’s have suggested, I bet this

We decided to have a wedding weekend at a campground

is at least  partly behind it . Not common in the UK and they probably think it is a very low budget option, run by Boy  Scouts or something  , having no idea of the actual situation. My (English  ) parents  would have thought so , I know .

Post # 24
Member
8265 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

browneyedgirl86:  

LOl, I knew it! Don’t  let them stress you OP, it will all be  lovely . I am grossly  generalising  i  know , but being of English of working class  stock myself I can just see the  insular jokes and general   suspicion of ‘Yank”  ways.  

Post # 25
Member
6100 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

missmagpie:  it’s like it’s English but it’s also a whole different language!

Maybe some of the difference of being high context versus low context cultures?

Post # 27
Member
5949 posts
Bee Keeper

I wouldn’t be bothered by their comments and suggestions regarding the wedding, but I’d be hurt and puzzled that they know nothing about my family or even what I do for a living & don’t seem interested in learning more about me. To me, this would be basic getting-to-know-you stuff they learned while you were dating, either directly from you or in conversation with your Fiance. 

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