(Closed) In-laws destroy wedding plans

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Let me get this straight … your DD’s DH’s parents don’t want to pay for a wedding, right?  They feel like they were lied to and don’t want to contribute, eh?  Well, then they don’t have to.  There are lots of brides on this boards whose ILs aren’t paying a red cent to their wedding. 

If the couple cannot provide a wedding and reception via their own means or via their own means combined with your help, then they have to rethink of their idea of a reception that can be afforded.  Sucks that they put the deposits down, but perhaps they can work with the venues and do a scaled down version. 

Is your Dirty Delete as crushed as you are about the wedding? 

I hope my parents don’t feel the way you do.  I had a JoP wedding, last minute.  My parents got a phone call to meet us at Niagara Falls about an hour before we had to be there.  If they got an hour’s notice, that was a lot!  I didn’t have the fancy white dress, did not walk down the aisle, and didn’t have a reception.  Heck, we had 3 out of wedlock kids and a “real” wedding would’ve been totally inapproporiate!  My reception was dinner at our favourite restaurant with both our parents, our two siblings, our kids and my brother’s kids.  There was no fanfare, no planning at all — he just said “Let’s do this today” and hauled me and the kids out the door to City Hall. 

If seeing your daughter walk down the aisle is that important to you, why not do it just for your immediate family? 

Adding that I have a Dirty Delete (who is 10 now), so I can understand a parent’s perspective.  If it were me, I’d just be glad that she was married to the man she loved.  I guess that, having a JoP wedding myself, it wouldn’t bother me if she did the same.  Her happiness in marriage would be my happiness.   

Post # 4
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

If your daughter wants to do this, and so does her husband, what is the problem? If they were adult enough to get married then they need to be adult enough to deal with his parents. They don’t have to help – it’s not a requirement. Neither do you, for that matter.

Post # 5
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

She’s already married, but without the big wedding and fanfare you wanted, so there’s really not much you can do. What I don’t get is why do they keep asking his parents for money when they’ve already declined before? If you have decided to pay for everything, and his parents are paying for the Rehearsal Dinner and honeymoon, what else do they need to be covered?

I had 2 daughters get married this past year, so I know exactly how much work and time is put into planning a wedding. For the first wedding, it was cancelled six months before, as my daughter just needed more time. She wasn’t emotionally ready to make that final commitment. We had everything paid for too. Once they decided to postpone, I contacted all vendors, explained the situation, and they held the deposits for ‘some later date’, rather than have us forfeit the money. It worked out great.

A year later, we had her wedding, but received no help from anyone on his side of the family except for his Dad (RD). Both parents have remarried and not one of them offered help in any way with anything, and his entire side never showed up for the shower either…and never let me know they weren’t coming. His Mother came to the actual ceremony with her 3rd husband, and as everyone was leaving the site for the cocktail hour, she went out the garden gate, got in her car and left! No warning on that one either. He hasn’t spoken to hi Mother since, nor have I.

Your SIL’s parents are probably both annoyed and hurt, and the only thing that may help the situation is time. It may never change and they may always hold this over their heads, so I guess they’ll suffer the consequences and miss out on many things in their son’s life. Their stubborness will only alienate their son more than it already has.

It always helps to talk about it with people who have been through similar situations, but I’m not sure what you can do at this point. 🙁

Post # 6
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Adding that, FWIW, the groom’s parents traditionally pay for the rehearsal dinner and their wedding attire and that is it!  That they’ve already paid for the honeymoon is generous.  To ask them for more (w/o their offering it) is a risk they took as nobody has to give anyone anything.  I’m not sure how the inlaws destroyed the wedding plans?  They told the couple that they wouldn’t pay any more for the wedding as a consequence for their actions.  To go and ask them for money after they’ve clearly stated their position was wrong.  I’ve said it before in another post … all actions have consequences and you have to accept those consequences. 

I think that, if your Dirty Delete and her Darling Husband want to have their wedding, they’re going to have to do it within their budget since the ILs  have made it clear exactly where they stand. 

Post # 7
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I honestly have to say I agree with the previous posters.  I can very much understand why you are upset and how your Dirty Delete and SIL must feel.  However, if they are canceling their wedding because her ILs won’t help financially, in my opinion, she is making the decision to cancel, not the ILs.  No one but the bride and groom is required to pay for a wedding.  My parents cannot help, and FI’s father offered to contribute a little, but if he didn’t, we’d be paying for the entire affair on our own, which is what we expected to do in the first place.  We are putting money away in a savings, and I took on a weekend job and addition students to tutor (while being in graduate school full time, being a graduate assistant to a professor, and being a substitute teacher).  It’s not easy, but we want to get married and have a semi-traditional wedding, so we’re doing what we need to do.  I would not be so crass as to tell my parents or FI’s parents that we can’t have a wedding because they refuse to help.  Yes, having the help will be nice from FI’s dad, but we in no way expected it and if he for some reason can’t, we won’t be angry or cancel our wedding.  To me weddings fall along the same lines as college.  So many people EXPECT their parents to pay college…I’m sorry, but unless your parents WANT to be so generous, higher education is your own responsibility.  My parents had six children and all of us who wanted to go to college (and we were encouraged to do so even though my parents didn’t go themselves) paid for it ourselves (with small help from my parents such as groceries, gas money, etc. when they could).

I’m sorry for the long post, but I feel like there’s a little bit of selfishness going on here with his parents being EXPECTED to pay and then when they say no (honestly, I would feel like I was lied to if I was them, too) they get blamed for the canceled wedding.  Your daughter is welcome to a wedding..but it’s no one’s responsibility to pay for but hers and her hubby’s.

Post # 10
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

@mayham: My daughter’s emotional breakdown was actually over her cancelling the wedding, and worrying about how he’d handle it. She was a nightmare to live with, but the signs were there for me from the beginning of their engagement~it came 2 years sooner than she expected, so I think she just wasn’t prepared. She was happy being engaged, but making wedding plans made her a wreck. One day (and the day I knew there was a serious problem) was when she asked me to plan it all, to stop asking her for her opinions on everything, and couldn’t they just show up the day of and get it over with?

Your daughter and SIL HAD to know how his parents would react, so that’s why they wanted to keep it a secret. Mine moved in with her fiance when he bought a house, and she was subjected to his Mother and SF’s wrath, in her face in a car! They screamed at her and told her how awful she was for living in sin and how she’d regret her choices some day. They trapped her in the car so she had nowhere to go, and her fiance was driving, so it was a total mess. When she told us about it the next morning, we both called them several times, and they wouldn’t pick up the phone. Of course not~be cowards and not have a rational conversation with the parents of the girl who you just ripped to shreds. 🙁

I never wanted this for my daughter either, but sometimes weddings bring out the crazy in people and they react in ways one can only imagine (or see on a Lifetime movie!) The best you can hope for is that you love them harder if something like this happens to them,huh?

Whatever will happen just will happen, despite what you want. Sounds like you’re in for an emotional rollercoaster like I am~ but it makes us stronger!

Post # 11
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Mayham – they already got married without ANYONE’S emotional support.  Why do they need it after the fact? 

 

Post # 12
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Okay, I get it now. You’re worried that she will regret this decision one day because she is listening to her ILs. It’s not about money, but it’s about you thinking she will regret this. And maybe you’re right.

In that case, as much as you might be right, you have to let it go. Let her make the decision. If she regrets it one day (she might, she might not) then she will have to deal with that. As an adult. They can have a vow renewal, they can have an anniversary celebration, but whatever they do will not replace the wedding they already had. There isn’t really a necessity for this other than the life-long dream concept.

Like BanditGirl is saying, they DON’T need the emotional support of the other family. However, it will influence them, if they let it. They are a married couple now and the decision is ultimately theirs. If they let his parents convince them they don’t need it and they want it later on, it’s no skin off your teeth. It’s something they will have to do.

I know it’s hard. But you’re going to have to let her make this choice. There is no way of knowing if it’s right or wrong. Maybe you can have a dinner for your side of the family to celebrate their marriage. But if they don’t want this, they aren’t going to do it, no matter what you think either.

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