Post # 1
My fiance and I are about 7 months away from our wedding and we have done all of the planning ourselves. All of my family is from out of town, but my fiance has his parents, grandparents and two sets of uncles and aunts in town. It seems to me that the only people who are excited and willing to help with anything is my family, but they are limited in what they can do from a distance.
My fiance and I are paying for at least 75% of the wedding ourselves with my family helping on the rest. My FIL’s haven’t offered any help (financial or physical) beyond the reception dinner (which they just brought up last week). As for the reception dinner, they are insisting only immediate family and the small bridal party (without dates) be invited. They want to keep the number down to 12 or less, so the dinner is as cheap as possible. This bothers me a little, especially since Future Father-In-Law is a lawyer.
Even if they don’t want to spend money, I thought they would at least want to be involved in projects since they live close by. I asked them if they would be able to help with appetizers for the reception. It would save us a lot of money if we could buy them bulk from Sams and then have FI’s family help prepare them. Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t work, so she seems to have a lot of free time. When Fiance asked them, Future Father-In-Law replied that was too much to ask of them and if we were worried about costs then we should just get everyone a $5 footlong from Subway.
Future Father-In-Law enjoys working with his hands and has built his own patio and grill. Knowing this, I thought I would ask him if he could help me make my own cupcake stand from wood. I thought it would be much cheaper than buying one online and it could be a way for him to feel involved. His reply was that it was too much pressure to ask him to do that and it looked like something that he couldn’t pull off. It wasn’t an intricate design. Just 4 round pieces of wood stacked with a piece of pipe between.
I feel like my in-laws really aren’t interested in helping at all and are just trying to do the bare minimum. I mean a rehearsal dinner for 12 people, really? My fiance is their oldest child and they don’t have any daughters. This is the first big wedding in their family. Is this normal in-law behavior? Should I feel offended?
Post # 3
Sorry, but back when I got married -a loooooooooong time ago, the only thing IL’s generally did was pay for the rehearsal dinner. (In my case, I don’t think my Father-In-Law even did that!-I think my parents paid for it!) It’s pretty much a “family joke” about how cheap my Father-In-Law is. And it was usually just the bride, groom, parents and wedding party-that’s it! Unfortunately the IL’s really aren’t obligated to pay for much-if anything. 🙁
Post # 4
Ok, but did your in-laws help you with any wedding planning or any DIY aspects of the wedding? I feel like mine don’t want to be involved at all.
Post # 5
My in-laws aren’t involved in any aspect of the wedding at all, and we’re paying for the rehearsal dinner ourselves. In fact, they were completely surprised that they even have to be there for the rehearsal. To make sure that they’re coming, I had to remind them that they’re getting a free dinner.
Post # 6
My IL’s aren’t doing anything and aren’t paying for or doing the rehearsal dinner. On that same subject neither are my parents. If you feel offended then I dont know what I shoud feel. :/ Be happy your parents are able and willing to help 🙂
Post # 7
I think you should think of it as a good thing. Some of the bees have overbearing inlaws and have the opposite problem (too much involvement). If they’re nice to you otherwise, it might mean that they just don’t care for weddings.
Post # 8
I would be hurt if it were me…. that being said, not much you can do about it. Surround yourself with friends who are happy to help and plan with you. 🙂
Post # 9
My IL’s haven’t offered any help, financial or otherwise. I am just fine with that, as I don’t feel the need to explain my choices to anyone. Take on the projects you and your Fiance can handle, and consider any help you get a bonus. I’m a believer that no one is obligated to help you with a wedding you decide to have.
Post # 10
My future in-laws won’t help with anything either…not even the rehearsal dinner. What really annoys me is that they just bought a new horse (already have two). I just accept it for what it is and try not to get worked up about it. There’s nothing we can do anyways.
Post # 11
I think that them not paying for the dinner is one thing (it’s frustrating…but they don’t HAVE to pay for anything) but I would be upset/hurt/annoyed at their complete lack of interest in helping out with DIY etc. Kind of sounds like they just want to show up. I sort of know what that’s like because my inlaws (who were financially very generous about the rehearsal) were not really interested in planning the rehearsal or in any of the details for the actual wedding…I’m not sure if it was a case of not wanting to overstep the traditional bride’s family role or if they didn’t really care. At times it was hurtful and frustrating.
Do you mean reception dinner or rehearsal dinner? Sorry…that was confusing me.
What does your Fiance think?
Post # 12
I did mean rehearsal dinner. I seem to mix those two up sometimes. My Fiance is mildly frustrated with them, but as a guy he isn’t quite as much into the wedding planning as I am. I’m not sure if I should talk to them about this. It’s really not about the money and more about how they keep saying no everytime I ask them to help with some project. They don’t even ask what they can do for the wedding. Maybe this is just what they are accustomed to.
Post # 13
I do agree that nobody is obligated to help, but I do think it’s a nice gesture. This is especially true for my in-laws, since Fiance and I originally wanted to elope. They harassed us for weeks and kept saying how that was a horrible idea until we changed our mind. So given that, you would think they would be more willing to help us with the wedding.
Post # 14
@Natalieh86: Take on the projects you and your Fiance can handle, and consider any help you get a bonus. I’m a believer that no one is obligated to help you with a wedding you decide to have.
This! To me paying towards my wedding equals input/control, so I’m rather happy to not having any outside involvement. I can defintely see from your POV how frustrating this can be, feeling like they don’t care. Yes it would be a nice gesture, I’ll give you that.
However, I also I think that if couple chooses to DIY (in the hopes of cost savings, thats great) but that doesn’t mean that as a family member I’d be okay with someone expecting me to “work/volunteer” on my free time. I’ll offer if I want to.
Besides you said he has offered to pay 12 meals, which is certainly better than zero. I think you should be happy that they’re honest enough to tell you they can’t/won’t be help with now, rather than committing to do it and then disappointing you later on.
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Meh… Mr. LK’s family offered no assistance with any wedding-related projects, and showed no interest in helping with the Rehearsal Dinner, either. It really wasn’t a big deal to us. They did surprise us by giving us some money on the day of the Rehearsal Dinner, and that was a really nice thing for them to do.
I do understand that it is disappointing that they aren’t more excited. But not everyone is into weddings. Your best option is just to let them be who they are, expect nothing, and go about your plans without them. The thing is, weddings don’t change p;eople. They will be who they will be. The real question is, how will YOU deal?
Post # 16
Sorry they aren’t offering you that support you need:( No one is helping us and my Fiance hasn’t been working for 8 months. BUT i am getting support by friends ( them offering to help with other things) and I if i didn’t have that I’d be crushed. And about the hors dourves, some people are just weird about that stuff. It was nice of you to offer to help them feel more involved but I wouldn’t take it too personally that they declined.