(Closed) In-Laws Don’t Want to Help

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Bichon Frise: I can definitely see where you are coming from, as my inlaws are not helping with anything either (not even the rehearsal dinner). My parents agreed to contribute 25% of the budget, and the rest is on us. It bothered me at first that the inlaws aren’t contributing, but it doesn’t really phase me anymore. Fiance and I are the ones who decided to get married, so anything extra is just a bonus.

Post # 18
Member
3459 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

At least they haven’t backpedaled like mine.  My Future Father-In-Law and FSMIL offered to my mom and my Fiance to pay for the rehearsal dinner and the Sunday brunch when they were at our engagement party (thrown by friends).  No followup, so we had no idea budget. Fortunately, we weren’t banking on them following through this because…  Today, my mom emailed them something confusing regarding the rehearsal dinner (she meant to write reception dinner but she doesn’t really proofread…).  So Future Father-In-Law called Fiance to say “Oh I thought we were paying for part of it.”  So much for offer of all + brunch!  I’m wondering if its because FI’s brother just got engaged and he doesn’t want to shell out for two.  (They are likely a year after ours.)  It sucks we didn’t get a budget from them before FI’s brother got engaged though.

Post # 19
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

View original reply
@Bichon Frise:  Yeah…I hear you.

A lot of people aren’t into the DIY piece.  I wouldn’t talk to them about this…just don’t ask them to do any projects.  

I would be more upset if they just weren’t showing any interest in the wedding overall.  The project aspect wouldn’t phase me because I didn’t really expect anyone to help out…it was nice when people were willing or expressed interest, but I sort of figured that most of it would be on me.  lol

Post # 20
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Is your relationship with them generally good? If so, maybe they think taking a more hands off approach with the wedding may help keep the relationship pleasant. They may have heard horror stories from friends who got too involved in their kids’ weddings and wrecked the relationship.

Post # 21
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Also, I can understand how it can be hurtful to not have them take more of an interest, but in the long run, it’s probably for the best. My future in laws and I had a fantastic relationship till the wedding planning stage. I would prefer to have kept them at arm’s length rather than have a less than perfect relationship now 🙁

Post # 22
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I am not trying to come off as rude but I don’t understand why people think in-laws, friends and family are automatically supposed to help with their wedding. I think it should be up to them if they want to help.

The Mother-In-Law may not work but isn’t it her choice to spend her time doing wedding things. Some people are not good at things or want the responsibility of doing them. My Maid/Matron of Honor is very supportive but she is not good with any of the DIY crafts I am doing but that doesn’t mean she don’t care.

I just feel like it is your wedding and your responsibilty and its rude on your part to expect money or peoples time for something you choose to do. If you don’t have the time or cannot afford it then wait and save or scale it back some.

I think a lot of people have lost sight of what a wedding is actaully supposed to be about. It’s about the Union of two people not some lavish event that put families in debt or break them up.

Post # 23
Member
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

While I do think it’s crappy that they’re not even willing to help you with a project as small as building a cupcake stand, they don’t technically have to do anything. It’s generally wise to not come out and ask anyone to pitch in (whether it be financially or otherwise) until they’ve personally offered their services.

With that said, I would probably be disappointed if I were you too. My IL’s wanted to help in any way that they could and they put a ton of time, effort and money into our wedding which we really appreciate. Some of my friends who were recently married fell into the same boat that you did. Their IL’s paid for the Rehearsal Dinner but didn’t offer much help beyond that. In one of these cases, it was because the IL’s felt that my friend and her husband shouldn’t be getting married (it was a quick courtship) and the other was just that my friends Mother-In-Law wasn’t really into weddings.

At the end of the day, it’s your wedding so you and your Fiance are the only ones responsible for making sure that things get done. It’s nice to have the support of your families but sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way. Be grateful for what they do offer because some women in your shoes don’t get a thing from their IL’s.  

Post # 24
Member
6112 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m a bit baffled here.  Why do you expect anything from anyone?  Isn’t this your wedding?

I would not except help from one single person becuase it would be my own personal wedding. Paying for it yourself is quite the norm.

FWIW, not one single soul, not even our parents, are going to do anything but show up and enjoy themselves at our reception that we are hosting.  But I’m not whining about it (gee they are already going above and beyond I think)!  This is a very normal situation.

I guess it’s all in our our expectations are formed.

Post # 25
Member
2582 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@sienna76:

Theres absolutely no need to be so condescending to the OP.  She’s not whining about money or trying to pick a fight with her future in laws – she’s hurt they they don’t seem excited about the wedding and shes venting in a perfectly appropriate place- I’d be hurt too.

Most people would be hurt whether they’d admit it or not.  Weddings are supposed to involve the coming together of 2 families – I’d be incredibly sad if it was JUST me and my Mr planning our wedding. 

Post # 26
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

I totally understand your frustrations.  I wouldn’t dare ask for money, but my Future In-Laws don’t seem like they plan on contributing anything, not even a rehearsal dinner.  This frustrates me, not because I’m beneath everyone who “paid for their own wedding”, but because Future Mother-In-Law offered to help pay if I chose the venue she liked.  It was a bit out of our price range.  I figured, with their help, we’d be able to easily afford the wedding.  Now that the place is reserved, Future Mother-In-Law has not offered to contribute a cent towards the deposit or anything.  Fiance is supposed to talk to them, because now my mom is actually paying a generous portion of it and I feel like the FILs should help out at least some.  After all, FMIL did offer to do so.  When FCIL got married, the FILs paid for several things for her wedding.  I am marrying their actual child and they won’t help with anything, not even DIY projects.  No, they don’t have to help us do anything, but they were all gung-ho about FCIL’s wedding and helped her with so much.  So, I don’t feel that this is fair to Fiance and I.  I feel like we’ve gotten the shaft =/  Even if they can’t financially contribute, I wish they’d act somewhat excited or interested.  They just don’t.  No one brings the wedding up, so I usually don’t (don’t wanna be annoying).  If I do bring it up, the subject gets changed.  When FCIL was engaged, all anyone ever talked about was HER wedding.  Future Mother-In-Law was full of questions and enthusiasm.  For us, nothing. 

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