In laws dropped a bomb on us 7 days after birth that they cant babysit…

posted 1 year ago in Babies
Post # 31
Member
47289 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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carowl :  OP said “we can’t bring baby with us,”. Us is two people.  I interpreted that to mean she and her husband couldn’t take the baby with them. While they may not be able to take baby into the exam room, Darling Husband can look after baby either in the car or in the waiting room while OP gets her staples removed.

It doesn’t seem to have anything to do with driving.

Post # 32
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476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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Kslim13 :  I hope the Facebook groups help you out! My 2 cents: visit and get on waitlists for daycare facilities that you like so that if a spot opens you can snag it. In the meantime, you’ll have to shell out more to hire someone to watch your baby until one of those spots open. We lucked out and a daycare recommended highly to us by a coworker of mine which is only ten minutes away from work ended up having a spot open. Pick the brains of coworkers to see where they sent/send their kids nearby 

Post # 33
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264 posts
Helper bee

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julies1949 :  Ya, I just mentioned the driving since it’srelevant to why it’s a “we” situation. If she can’t drive she may be dependent on him taking her. As for leaving the baby in the car with husband, sure that’s an option. That said, when I got my staples our with my first I wanted my husband with me. It can be a scary thing if you’ve never gone through it. Plus in the dead of winter I can definitely understand not wanting to take baby out and have him sit in the parking lot for ages (OB offices can be slow as molasses), and right now the flu season is so terrible that they really are pushing parents not to bring newborns into medical facilities unless medically necessary. At the end of the day, OP is venting about her in-laws saying they’d help and then backing out or being reluctant. I’m sure she’s considered all feasible options for tomorrow, but I get why she’ needs to vent. I’m sure it’s frustrating as hell especially when hormonal, tired, and trying to heal from major surgery. 

Post # 34
Member
294 posts
Helper bee

You really need to talk to your in laws. There seems to be a lot of assuming going on on your part. Did they actually say they wont babysit 3 days a week when you go back to work? Or are you just assuming that because they seem reluctant to mind your baby tomorrow? You say that they are ‘starting’ to balk at idea of minding your child but you only give one example, and even then you dont say that they refused, just that they seemed reluctant.

Is this the 1st time you have asked them to mimd baby? Perhaps they are just nervous? If it’s not the 1st time perhaps they are worried that you will start taking advantage of them or relying on them too much, expecting them to mind baby everytime you have something on/to do on top of the 3 days a week they have offered (which is a huge commitment). Its time to actually talk to them.

Post # 35
Member
5885 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Have they said they are unable to watch him while you go to the doctors?  You say they are reluctant but what does that mean?  Is it just that they are busy that one day or you didn’t give them enough notice?

It seems like you are making a lot of assumptions and getting yourself stressed out unnecessarily.  You and your husband just need to sit down with your inlaws and have a frank discussion about the logistics. 

Post # 38
Member
5885 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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Kslim13 :  You have only been home for 7 days, they probably don’t want to stress you out by coming by more than once in that time! We see so many posts about new moms complaining that their inlaws are visiting every few days.  

Is that the only reason you think they won’t mind the baby while you go to the hospital?  I’m really confused at how you have managed to jump to the conclusion that they won’t watch him this time and they won’t watch him when you are at work.

It doesn’t matter if it stresses your husband out, you all need to sit down and figure this out.  You need to know in advance that Mother-In-Law or Father-In-Law are free on X days and will watch baby between X and X.  If you take an extra shift or work late you need to know how it works. It is important to treat this in the same way you would with a paid sitter so everyone knows what is expected of them and no one is being taken advantage of. 

Secondly i wouldnt have an issue dragging him with us, its more my husband is reluctant to drag him along for it. I think hes still in a state of shock that he now has a little human he has to take care of 24/7.

This is a little concerning, so your husband isn’t worried about germs he just doesn’t want to have to deal with the baby? 

Post # 39
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Were the plans definite or did they just say something vague about being able to “help out”? You and your husband need to have a clear conversation with them now. These are the days and hours we need childcare. Can you do it or should we find an alternative? Don’t be accusatory. Just clarify.

Post # 40
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9720 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

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Kslim13 :  Yeah, the time for your husband to step up is now. Keep the baby in the carrier, put a light blanket over the top. You should be coddling your infant, not your husband.

I would not rely on your inlaws watching the baby at all. Zero. I would look at care.com like others have said, or see if you can maybe find an agency that provides vetted nannies. Around here quite a few churches offer daycare services as well.

Or would it be possible for you to take your 12 weeks, and then your husband take his leave after that while you go back to work? Maybe a daycare spot would open up by then.

Post # 41
Member
15002 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Soon2BMrsFredericks :  I’m sure you didn’t think they would watch your child until kindergarten did you?

It’s not that unheard of and very common in some cultues.  My mother will be providing child care once I go back to work when my son is 1, until he goes to kindergarten.  I know a lot of people that had the same arragement.  It’s pretty much a given that is what will happen.

Kslim13 :  Seems you’re making assumptions right now.  You/your husband really need to just bring it up to them and figure out what they are or are not willing to do.  While I agree your observations to make it sound like they don’t want to be around, maybe they have reason.  Maybe they want to give you some time alone?  Or maybe they do want to slowly back out.  Dont make any assumptions and just ask them directly.

Post # 42
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee

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Kslim13 :  Agreeing with everyone above that you and Darling Husband need to have a formal conversation with your inlaws about their offer to help out. Dates, times, etc. I also think the fact that they are leaving you alone 1 week after birth isn’t necessairly indicative of their desire to help you out. “we’ll watch the baby when he is a few months old and you go back to work” is a lot different than “we’ll be over every day as soon as he is born.” 

I would assume that they are going to take their cue from you in terms of being welcomed to come over. If you are actively asking for assistance and they are refusing, that’s one thing. But if they’re just not coming over, they may just be trying to give you guys some space and time to get into a groove on your own without visitors. 

I think there’s a big difference between watching a 3+ month old vs a 10 day old, especially if they have only been around your baby once or twice. 

If driving is an issue, maybe they could drop you off and pick you up from your appointment so your husband can stay home with the baby.

TBH, I think it’s a little silly that your husband is hesitant to be alone with the baby for an hour during your appointment in the car/waiting room, but you’re aggravated with your inlaws for the same thing, and they’d likely be with the baby for longer. 

Post # 43
Member
6880 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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Kslim13 :  At this point it doesn’t matter if your husband wants to shut down when discussing child care. He needs to talk about it anyway because it’s important. He can’t just bury his head in the sand. 

I will say, the first few weeks with a newborn can be very very rough. Your whole world has been turned upsidedown. At this point it’s merely survival. 

I’m glad you’ve already found some hits with Facebook groups. That’s where we found our nanny. I belong to several mommy/nanny FB groups in my area and they can be extremely helpful. I have a few friends that used Care.com but aside from one, they were not satisfied with that website overall. I have heard good things about Sittercity. 

Best of luck to you on this journey! 

Post # 44
Member
7633 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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Kslim13 :  Agree with pp that you need to have a formal convo with them. Maybe wait another week or two to do it…you and your husband are truly in the trenches right now with a one-week old, so I’d actually cut him some slack for not being able to deal with this issue head on at the moment. I knwo for me, my capacity for dealing with any extra stressors besides my baby in those first 2-3 weeks of life was nil. It’s straight up survival mode! But it does get better!

In the meantime, maybe follow up with some of the recs from your FB group so you can have some backup plans in place.

Post # 45
Member
2723 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like you’re feeling stressed and unsupported overall and that it’s maybe not just the grandparents, but the fact that you feel like it’s all on you to come up with the backup plan. 

I think you need to have a more formal conversation with your in laws about what they’re willing to do. Don’t pressure them, but let them know you have to make other arrangements if anythings changed. I think there’s still a chance it’s partly because the baby is so new, so it’s possible it hasn’t changed as much as you think.

BUT I also think you need to talk to your husband about stepping up and being more supportive. It’s his baby too and he can’t just be a momma’s boy anymore – he’s got to look after HIS baby’s momma. At the very least he should be taking the lead with sorting childcare out with his parents (with you involved of course). I think it’s good to come up with a backup plan together either way as well. 

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