- 3 years ago
- Wedding: October 2016
Ok, so I just really need to vent to a neutral place since I need to stop complaining to my poor Darling Husband. Sorry this is a loooong post:
I’m currently almost 20 weeks pregnant & get my first ultrasound next week…and I was super excited about it until DH’s family came to visit this weekend. It was an overwhelming visit to say the least. A little background–our house is technically big enough to host them, but it was just a lot for me to handle hosting a group of 8…two of which were our niece and nephew who are in the middle of a horrible cold (the kids are always sick), and after having them climb all over me all weekend I’m now struggling through the same cold and am absolutely miserable.
Anyways, like I mentioned I was very excited for my ultrasound which I had scheduled on my birthday because it happened to line up well timing wise, and I thought it would be such a special birthday to get to see our baby for the first time, and find out the gender. Well, Mother-In-Law always manages to put a pin in any positive moment for me (I wrote previously about how she made me cry on my wedding day), and this was no different. She’s very controlling, and desperately wants us to have a boy and has been harrassing me about it since pretty much day 1 of my pregnancy and went on and on about it all weekend, and wanted to know exactly what time my ultrasound is scheduled for so she could immediately call and find out the gender officially, although she already is pretty certain it’s a boy. I wouldn’t tell her what time my doctor’s appointment was because I wanted it to be a private moment between the two of us, and we would mutually decide afterwards when/how to share the gender news (plus her obsession with the gender just irrationally bugs me–like, can’t we just talk about hoping for a healthy baby?). That really upset her.
The gender stuff was intermixed with lots of disparaging comments about how we’re so unprepared for children, how it’s going to be such a shock for us, and how she feels so sorry for her grandbaby that has to grow up in our house (she says stuff like this…which has me going back and forth between wanting to cry and wanting to hit her in a fit of hormonal rage)…for the record our home is a very stable environment, we have a pretty solid relationship, and by all measures we feel ready for a baby, but she just really likes to spew negativity.
She also really wanted to shop for new baby things all weekend. I went along, and she kept asking me what I wanted her to buy for the baby. I basically just said whatever you want is fine. I felt uncomfortable letting her buy stuff so I didn’t want to specifically pick anything out. When she kept going on about it, I just picked out a couple of basic, gender neutral onesies. Meanwhile, DH’s grandma was with us and within ear shot she’s whispering about me to my SIL about how she can’t believe I would take advantage of my Mother-In-Law like that and let her buy all those things for me. Now, this one I had to kind of fight off my emotional response of feeling hurt/offended bc DH’s grandma has some early signs of dementia and therefore not much of a filter…but it still just made me feel like crap.
I kept it together for the whole visit, and didn’t say a word to Mother-In-Law about how much her words/behavior hurt me but even as they were leaving she was talking badly about me to Darling Husband about how she could tell I couldn’t wait for them to leave (which was true, honestly…and I have a really hard time concealing my emotions because my face pretty much gives it away no matter how hard I try not to show it), and how I was so mean to the neice and nephew (completely untrue). My Darling Husband told her off about her behavior and how she basically needs to stop being so relentlessly mean to me, to which she always responds with the same manipulation tactic–crying. She does something wrong, gets confronted, and cries (I wasn’t present for any of this, Darling Husband just told me about it). She did the same thing when she had a meltdown at our wedding, and when she wanted us to open all of our wedding gifts in front of her but we just wanted to get packed up and drive 7 hours home. Oh and now, when she found out from Darling Husband that the kids made me sick from their visit instead of saying something normal like, “That’s too bad, I hope she feels better soon” her response was “oh, well I suppose you think that’s all my fault then, huh?”.
Meanwhile, SIL was also there for the visit with lots of unsolicited (and honestly pretty terrible) advice about babies. For example, she told me not to listen to the advice about not letting babies sleep on their stomach. She slept on her stomach and so did her kids, and they’re way better off than other kids because they “don’t have any flat spots on their heads”. She told me that what everyone says about not using crib bumpers is BS, and she used them and her kids didn’t die. She also told me I shouldn’t register for a Mama Roo infant seat because those are for “meth babies”. Seriously. I actually got to the point where her advice was some welcome comic relief because it was so over the top.
So long story short: after the visit I just feel so completely physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. It made me sad to think about how I don’t know how to get even a basic level of respect from DH’s family. Darling Husband 100% stands up for me and supports me, and he doesn’t having any problem telling his family that they’re out of line (and did so most of the weekend)…but it doesn’t seem to sink in for them. Mother-In-Law is supposed to throw a shower for us in July and Darling Husband said that he has no problem just asking her to cancel it because he doesn’t like how she’s been treating me since we got married…I worry because I don’t want to rock the boat or cause drama and I don’t want to cause a rift in his family because they’re all very close. At the same time, I don’t want to let the emotional stress cast a shadow over a happy time in our lives.
Soooo…vent over. Anyone have any advice on how to deal with in-laws while pregnant? Or while trying to parent? How to stay positive when confronted with a lot of negativity? Or, just some commiseration from others struggling with their in-law relationships? I never realized that going from fiancee to wife meant an instant change in my relationship with my in-laws.