(Closed) In-laws from Hell (LONG post…)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Firstly, I’m really sorry that your Future Brother-In-Law ‘outed’ you to your FI’s family.  Very low thing to do.

My Fiance is bisexual, and isn’t ‘out’ to any of this family.  I can understand why, they are very old fashioned (even the young ones) and wouldn’t take it well.  His female cousin is gay and Future Father-In-Law hasn’t talked to her since she came out.  She’s a lovely young woman, I find his attitude very sad.

While I don’t feel like you should deny you are bisexual, I feel even more strongly that it’s no one’s damn business except you and your Fiance.  And I feel like your Fiance is right, anyone who listens to what Future Brother-In-Law says – who actually know what he is like – is probably not going to believe it. 

Your Fiance doesn’t need to tell anyone the complete details of why he’s fallen out with his family.   If anyone pushes it, a simple ‘I don’t want to discuss it’ should stop most questioning dead. 

Post # 4
Hostess
1427 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your Fiance doesn’t need to explain people’s lack of presence or presence. It’s your wedding day. Both of you can just state firmly that “we’re here to celebrate and talk about happy topics.”

Post # 6
Member
3552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Wouldn’t it be enough (if you feel the need to explain) to tell people that you removed yourself from a situation where you felt dissrespected to cool down and that Future Brother-In-Law took offence and decided it was because you resented his relationship. If someone asks why he thinks you resented the relationship you can just say ‘I have no idea’ because (insert X comment about how wonderful Fiance is here). I see no reason to go into your sexuality, it’s no one’s business besides you and your partner. He was rude and disrespectful to you in your own home while you were trying to help him and then turned around and bad-mouthed you to a person he knew you had a strained relationship with. That is reason enough to be estranged.

Really though a simple X couldn’t make it should be enough of an explanation as to why someone isn’t at your wedding. If you don’t want to talk to people about what happened, don’t. It’s a private matter, and that’s all you have to tell them. Any decent person wouldn’t pry beyond that.

Good luck with this situation, I hope your wedding goes well.

Post # 7
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It’s a shame that he outed you. It was very immature and hurtful of him. I can see why you feel betrayed. Having said that, I don’t think it was your place to tell him when or who he could have sex with. He is a 20 year old man, an adult. Yes, I can see why you thought things could become awkward for you and Fiance if they broke up. But I don’t see how you thought breaking them up sooner was going to fix that. Obviously there was going to be bad feelings if you were telling a 20 year old man that he can’t have sex.

While it was presumptuous of him to assume that the reason that you wouldn’t let him have sex was because of feelings for roomate, you weren’t really providing any other reasonable explanation. From his prospective he was probably thinking, “I’m not drinking and I’m not doing drugs, I’m being good , what’s the big deal with me having sex?”. I don’t think you really had a good reason that he couldn’t and it doesn’t seem like you had laid out rules saying he couldn’t before hand. So he moved into the house thinking that the rules were no alcohol and no drugs. Then he has sex with your roomate and suddenly there’s a new no sex rule too. Yes, he drew the wrong conclusion as to why. But you can’t really blame him for trying to make sense of it. It was shitty of him to tell his mom you were bisexual though. That’s not cool.

For what’s it’s worth I don’t think your relationship with him is irrepairable. Once upon a time you were close. Being outed by a family member sucks (I know this from experience so I’m not just talking out of my ass) but I think the three of you are going to make up and get passed this and if that happens after your wedding you are going to regret not having him there.

 You’re angry. I get that. You have every right to be angry. But really ask yourself if this fight is worth permanently cutting his brother out of your lives. Because if it isn’t, if you see yourself eventually making up with him down the road, why wait?

As for the mom, she’s a bigoted twat. That’s not likely to change with time. You have my full blessing to cut her out.

Post # 9
Member
3775 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@levisrictusias:  I’m not sure I’m understanding all of this clearly but I feel like the big issue here is the fact that you guys presumed to set limits on his ability to be in a relationship.  Yes it’s wonderful that you guys were willing to move him across country and to help him but that in no way gives you the right to decide the timeline for another adult’s relationships.  I think in light of the fact that he had been so helpful and so supportive of you in the past regarding your future mother-in-law that this should be something that you guys are willing to work through and have forgiveness for.  I agree that it is hugely disrespectful to be outed by him without your knowledge, and he definitely needs to know that this is unacceptable and that your feelings are hurt and that he needs to apologize.

 I guess what I’m trying to say is I think this whole situation got hand when you and your fiancé tried to set limits on his behavior.  I’m sure that he found that hugely disrespectful and very controlling and unacceptable.  Yes you were helping him, but to jump to the conclusion that that should give you the right to tell him when he can date is also wrong.

Post # 10
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think the biggest issue for you and your Fiance right now is that your fBIL went nuclear.  No matter what started the petty fight, who first overstepped blah blah – the problem is, he went for the ultimate betrayal just to “win” this fight.  That sucks, and it’s terrible seeing that side of someone; watching someone throw something huge like that under the bus – for NO GOOD REASON EXCEPT TO WIN – it makes you wonder if you ever knew this person, really, if they ever actually cared about you.

So don’t put any pressure on yourself to fix this for a while.  Just leave it, all.  Let his 20-year-old ass sit with this situation and realize, eventually, how big he screwed up.  Even if it doesn’t happen right away, it’ll happen.  He’s still so young and not out of “I want this, I get this, I take this!” mindset.  But he’ll get there soon, either from getting a kick in the ass from life or meeting a wonderful girl who holds him accountable or a working under a tough boss who makes sure he grows up a bit.  Then that realization of how incredibly inappropriate he was will come.  And he will be humbled, and may never mention it again but will try to be close to you guys again in a few years.  You’ll be feeling a certain way by then, and you can figure out what you want to do next.  But don’t expect this to resolve right now, and don’t hold yourself responsible for the poor behavior of others/making it okay and comfortable for strangers at your wedding.  Use the scripted deflections pp have mentioned and do not put this on yourself to “make okay.”  

But whatever you do, DO NOT get sucked in to “discussions” about this with anyone from your FIL’s.  This is not, all the sudden, YOUR crusade just because he outed you now.  HE went nuclear over some silly argument, and it’s okay to feel violated by that – cause you were!  Don’t even discuss it with any of them – it wasn’t brought up on your terms, it’s totally aside any of the real issues you have with his family, discussing it will do NOTHING except make you feel put on the spot and force you to justify your existence.  Bullshit.  You can be proud of your sexuality while still deserving privacy.  If they don’t understand the difference, I’d say just “let slip” at the next family dinner that you heard “from a certain roommate” that “one of her recent partners” is totally, crazy-into “dogs in a bathtub”/some other sex act.  This would be an awful thing to do, but would DEFINITELY get the point across that sex is PRIVATE.

Post # 12
Member
3246 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@levisrictusias:  That sucks quite appallingly, especially that the fBIL outed you. How rude, inappropriate, and disrespectful!

I do have to agree with some PPs, who indicated that you might have overstepped a line when you asked the fBIL to refrain from getting involved with your roommate. I totally understand why you would do that– I can’t imagine many situations that would make you feel weirder and more uncomfortable– but the guy is an adult and can pick whom he wants to be with.

BUT he behaved really foully, and I think you have every right to not invite him to your wedding, and I agree with previous suggestions of leaving it be, and if your Fiance has to explain, for him just to say it’s a private matter.

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