- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
@CCarol: i’m sorry you’re going through this. but the simple answer is, your fiance should be on your side, no matter what. he should be defending you, fighting for you and not accusing you or taking his family’s side. i say this having lived through a situation where i’ve had to defend my fiance to hell and back, because he is my family now and you stick up for the one you love at all costs. he doesn’t seem to want to do that for you, and to me that rings alarm bells.
I think your biggest problem is with your Fiance. He doesn’t support you – not in front of his family or in private. That would be a huge red flag for me. You should be with someone who puts you first.
@CCarol: Wow, from hell is right. But how come your fiance isn’t defending you?! Is this what you want your whole life to be like? To have his whole family shun you guys, and him tell you to shut up and take it?
If it were me, I would have told him a while ago that if he doesn’t defend me to such insanity, we are done. I would tell him that now. You don’t need a life where your own family outright refuses to talk to you, then calls you annoying, rude, slanderous, whatever.
Don’t think this will get better after marriage. My granny hated my mother and made her life hell for probably a good 25 year’s worth of my parents’ marriage before becoming a bit nicer.
So sorry to hear you are embroiled in such a negative experience. Wedding planning and planning for the rest of your life together should be a joyful experience, not one filled with despair.
No one here can tell you what to do, but here is some food for thought:
1. If you are feeling alone and like your Fiance is not supporting you, that should be an alarm bell
2. They say you marry the man, you marry the family. If you can endure such a hostile inlaw family, you are stronger than I. I worked very hard to make peace with my future inlaws, who are crazy rednecks, because I knew they would be a part of my life. Luckily they felt the same way.
3. If you intend on having children, do you really want your kids to visit these people and have their hostility spill onto them and affect them? Also, do you want your children to face the same rejection that you do right now?
I wish you the very best of luck. You sound like a lovely person and NO ONE can judge you for that darkest hour when you can rationalize and go through with trying to end your life. That is the scariest thing someone can ever face and no one has the right to judge you for it
Good luck! xoxo
@peonia: I brought that up with him. Telling me that we were family and he just says “I won’t have anything to do with them when we move out” which is never what I wanted. And even if he did mean it, I don’t think it’s that easy. I agree though, I know I’ve should be defending me because I fought the biggest battle with my family I date him, coming from a really stict Asian “marry someone and no dating” kind of lifestyle but I sometimes feel like he doesn’t appreciate the effort I put. Anyways thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot to me!
@AlwaysSunny: Sometimes I think that and I think how my life would be with someone else, and it’s one of the easier said then done. I always feared leaving and not finding someone better and losing him. Anyways thank you for your reply! 🙂
@arabbel: I fear this being my future, I think what I’ve accepted is I can’t make anyone like me. And I agree, I need him to stand up for me because there’s stuff that’s being Saudis mostly behind my back and I need him there for me…sometimes I feel that maybe it’s better with them not being involved. I just don’t want them making a joke out of it and saying they’re going to do something and then randomly change their mind and make the wedding planning harder then it has to be..I wish my fiancé would wake up and stop taking me for granted…and since the weddig planning began he has honestly started acting very different, defensive and difficult. I even suggested pushing the date back indefinitely but he said no. I don’t know if in the weird one for wanting definite answers or if his family is the norm. Anyways thanks for your wonderful reply!
@missjennalicious: Thank you for your generous reply! It really made me smile. His justification to the in laws is he won’t be talking to them after which I think is horrible. I’d never want to be between family. I don’t think there’s any making peace with his family. I feel that they have made their decision about me and that it’s out f my control. I just wished my fiancé would put his foot down and tell then to back off and to not treat me that way….and I’ve contemplated my future with children very intensely as its very important to raise children in a positive and happy household. I told him that I’d never want to take his mother away from her grandchildren as this would be her first set if I have them after the wedding, but that I was scared of then saying things in front of my children or if my children picked up on hostile attitudes when I was there…he said they’d never do that but I just fear a lot because of how I get treated. And thank you for your kind words, it really did mean a lot to me, I think I have a lot to think about in the coming weeks.
Thank you for all your wonderful replies. I suppose I have very crucial decisions to make and with limited time. I need to think and then make decisions after carefully considering my choices. I just don’t want my fiancé to seem like Hitler, I obviously only mentioned relevent information…but he is wonderful. When his family isn’t involved that’s the man I decided to marry. I guess who’s family was my reality check. Anyways once again thank you all for yor replies, it’s given me a lot to think about!
I don’t think you should marry this man. It’s bad enough the his family will make you miserable, but the fact that he takes their side is unacceptable. marriage is a life partnership where both people need to have each others back. Telling you that depression doesn’t exist and that you should just shut up and let his family be mean to you does not indicate to me that he will be a loving and supportive husband. get out while you still can.
Your fiance really should be siding with you. For whatever reason it seems like you and his family are never going to get along well, so the very least he should be doing is supporting you and defending you. Don’t take their comments to heart, they seem to have a problem with you but don’t think it’s your fault. Their problem could be with your fiance, your culture or something that’s nothing to do with you!
Please don’t marry this guy. Please, please, please. I know he’s the only guy you’ve ever been with so it’s going to be really difficult for you to truly realize how wrong all of this is and to break it off and move on, but your future will be SO much happier and better if you can work up the guts to leave this guy. He isn’t on your side, and if you stay with him you’ll spend the rest of your life having his family treat you like crap and him blaming you for it. Don’t do it!
You need to drop all of these toxic people from your life.
This is tough. I definitely feel what you are going through. My soon-to-be fiance and my dad weren’t talking for MONTHS and I was in the middle of it all and it was very painful.
You need to first and foremost ask yourself if you want to put yourself through a lifetime of misery with these people. Unfortunately, when you marry someone, you also marry their family whether you like them or not. For whatever reason, they have decided to all despise you and your relationship from the get go, and there is little hope, from what I can tell based on what you wrote, that they will change their minds anytime soon. Nothing you say or do will change their attitude or thoughts on you two being together, so please stop trying to apologize or make up for what they claim you did. Don’t give them any more foder. Be cordial if you happen to be in the same room, but don’t reach out anymore. They’ve made it clear, so let it go.
Imagine how hard this must be for your fiance…his own family must be giving him hell. Is he the type that will bend to their will eventually? If so, watch out. It can turn really ugly really fast. In the mean time, understand that he is struggling with this. I’m sure he wants his family to love you like he does, and it’s really hard to have people you love dislike someone else you love. He’s going to have to ultimately choose, and I’m sure he’s realizing that with much pain and anguish. If your relationship is strong enough, you will both see this through. He needs to be be a man and tell his family that this is his life, he is choosing to have you in his life, and if they can’t handle that, then they can choose to not come to your wedding and to not be in your lives. Until they get with the program, you two need to focus on you two, not them. They’ve made it clear that they don’t want to be a part of your lives together, so let them be miserable without you.
You and your fiance need to be in communion with your stance on this serious issue with his family. Set aside a few hours and SERIOUSLY talk about this. Discuss anything and everything and don’t hold back. Not saying to fight, but if he can’t even do that, then you need to run because it’s not going to get better from here. You both should have a game plan together. Forget trying to make good with his family. They’ve got to extend the olive branch at this point. You’ve tried and failed and that’s ok. They’ve got issues with their own reality that they need to figure out and maybe not showing up to your wedding and alienating themselves from your lives for a while will be a good lesson for them. It’s amazing what a few months of silence from the other end of the phone will do to people (personal experience here).
My bf and I have this little saying that sums up how we should always defend each other and support each other NO MATTER WHAT. “If you say the sky is red, I agree, it’s red.” Meaning, even if what you are saying is stupid or ill-thought out, we defend each other when it comes to dealing with others, be it family or friends or whomever.
It’s going to be tough, no doubt. But you both need to support each other through this. Be good to yourself always. If you’re feeling like you are alone in this, be wary because he should be your biggest cheerleader at this point. Take care.
First of all….please don’t hurt yourself. If you feel those horrible, overwhelming feelings of depression and wanting to end it all, call someone. Even having those little glimmerings about wanting to hurt yourself is a scary warning sign. Check in with the doctor about getting your medication tweaked, and try and get into a see a counsellor.
My advice is this…. put everything on the back burner. Tell your fiance that you’ll talk about wedding plans later. Your priority…your ONLY priority is to make sure you’re mentally safe. The other stuff can wait. Those nasty inlaws can wait. Even your fiance can wait. The only person you should be concerned about is you. When you’re depressed, anxious and upset, you’re not in a good place to be making life decisions anyway. Hold off, everything will still be there later when you’re stronger and healthier. You won’t be able to enjoy a wedding or charm your inlaws if you’re dead.
Please be careful with yourself. Depression can be deadly. No one and no event is as important as you are.
woah …. a lot of issues here
This is probably what you dont want to hear but I would advise you to postpone the wedding. Push it back to a later date to give you and your Fiance time to get some counselling and sort things out. You dont want to go into married life like this, it will only get worse.
They dont matter but you and him do – he needs to learn how to support you
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