In laws living with us and not following rules

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 47
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

How about pointing out that it isn’t working out and would they pls make other arrangements by the end of the month? It is,  after all, your house.

Post # 48
445 posts
Helper bee

OP I’m pretty shocked you have been able to live with them this long, nevermind for six whole months, I would go crazy! In my experience, guests suck lol.

We had my bf’s family over for this past weekend, and while they are very welcome to make themselves at home, they seem to be right on the edge of guest and not guest. In the fact that they help themselves to food and drink, shower as they please, use whatever they want etc. My issue comes in when their guest attitude picks up with them not cleaning up after themselves, ever. I don’t say anything but I always have to go clean everything multiple times throughout they day and I count the hours til they leave. 

Post # 49
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

lemonslimes :  On paper, these sound like minor things, but if I were you it would propbably be driving me up the wall too because they should be more considerate. I mean the router? Seriously? Maybe the don’t mean to be rude or careless but instead are just a little clueless that when living in someone else’s home you should respect their small request like removing your shoes. I don’t think that is too much to ask. 

Post # 50
378 posts
Helper bee

OP, I feel for you, I really do. When my Future In-Laws visit for only a week, it drives me mad! I can’t imagine living with them for 6 months, especially while your Darling Husband will be away for part of it. 

I disagree with pp’s who say that they’re now your roommates, therefore it’s their house too. Their names aren’t on the deed and it doesn’t seem as if they’re renting from you. If someone invited me to live with them for a period of time in THEIR house, I wouldn’t consider it my home. That’s just rude. 

For me, I’ve found that, even though it’s really annoying, repetition is key. When you see them with their shoes on, kindly remind them that you don’t want shoes on in the house. Do this every single time and eventually they’ll get so sick of hearing it that they’ll make it a point to remember. When they shut things off, ask them not to do so next time. Tell them it’s so much easier for you when things are left on and that it gets really irritating when your rice is ruined or when you have to crawl under the table to switch the tv back on. Again, every single time you notice it, say something. 

As far as fixing things that don’t need to be fixed, I can relate 100% and I find this extremely hard to deal with. My Future In-Laws will actually walk around the house (inside and out) to see what needs fixing up/improving. I find it incredibly rude because it’s like they’re trying to say we don’t know how to keep up our own house. They used to do this all the time and tell us AFTER the fact, and we finally started saying “oh, well that didn’t need to be fixed. In fact, we liked it the way it was.” They did apologize, but the behavior didn’t stop. They did start announcing what they were going to fix ahead of time, which I liked because at lease we could say “no, please leave it as is” and they FINALLY stopped. 

Each thing that annoyed us was dealt with by repeatedly (and I mean REPEATEDLY) reminding them/asking them not to do it anymore. We were never rude in asking them to stop their behaviors, so there was no one to get mad at on either side. It was annoying to have to constantly remind them, but well worth it in the end. 

Post # 51
2807 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I don’t think the house “rules” are out of line. These should be simple requests. I ALWAYS assume that I must take my shoes off when entering someones home. In regards to keeping things on, thats how you run your household, and it should be respected. It’s not a crazy request. I can understand that it might be something to get used to (we all have those automatic things we are just used to doing), but after the upteenth time of being reminded, you think they’d get it…. Although from the post, it seems to be more of a purposeful disregard as opposed to forgetfulness. I don’t typically suggest passive aggressiveness, but seeing as how they are not listening to a simple request, I think I would just start trailing behind them turning everything back on. Maybe they’ll get it then.

Post # 52
6004 posts
Bee Keeper

Regarding houseguests vs roommates–I’ve never heard of 6 month houseguests. If this is where your ILs are living, it’s where they receive visitors, this is their home, they are not guests. It may be semantics but my “guests” stay for a short while and have somewhere else to go, I tend to spoil guests a bit, and my guests are not responsible for chores, etc. Roommates are. Your Future In-Laws should be contributing in some way. 

Whether it is reasonable or not you cannot make your ILs follow your rules. You can ask and insist until you are blue in the face but unless you are there to babysit them every minute of the day it sounds as if they are going to do their own thing. Assuming kicking them out is not one of your options, what you can do is decide how much you are going to let it get to you, what is worth pushing and what you may be willing to let go. 

I know that I could not agree to this living situation and it’s unfortunate your Fiance does not better have your back. I am of the mindset that you agreed to it, they aren’t going anywhere, and you need to find ways to make it work or you will spend the next five months angry and stressed. Good luck, Bee. 

Post # 53
6324 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s their house……so yes there are rules…they probably aren’t paying rent.

As for the leaving everything on. Jesus what a high bill.  I would give up on that.  But fight for the “shoes on” because seriously that gets dirty real quick especially if you have carpets.

Post # 54
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I think your only option is to ask them to leave or put up with them for tthe time being and find small ways to adapt (notes etc). It was totally naive to think that people who have been alive 50+ years will do everything the way you do. 

Post # 57
1313 posts
Bumble bee

OP – go post this to DWIL. You are in your home, they need to go. The relationship is not going to survive this.

Post # 58
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Yeah… I feel like you should have said no to them coming to stay in the first place. Now, it’s a matter of damage control. Tell you Fiance how much this is upsetting you

Post # 59
7645 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

mrsmacatak :  That’s not a very helpful link without numbers.

This link does give some numbers. (Bear in mind it’s Australian dollars, and the US numbers will be lower, because your dollar’s worth a little more and I think your energy is a little cheaper).

The average cost of leaving a TV plugged in, admittedly a small-ish one, is… wait for it… 5 cents per quarter.

For a router it’s a lot more ($10 to $25 / quarter), but that’s because it’s working, and it’s got to be balanced with the fact that people in the house could be wirelessly using the internet almost any time of day.

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