Post # 1
My mom and best friend are hosting a baby shower for me in my home town. It’s about an hour and a half away, but we had a bit of a shotgun wedding recently and everyone from there has been making the trip the last few months so it made more sense to have it there. My Mother-In-Law, SIL, and husband’s grandmother aren’t going.
I figured it was the distance, but I found out from my dad who answered the phone when the SIL called to RSVP that it is because the SIL has a friend from out of town that weekend, and his mom and grandma can’t go I’m figuring because his mom won’t drive on the freeway. I’m hurt and trying to figure out how to handle the whole thing when I see them this weekend for Easter. Part of me wants to finally just have it out, but I don’t know if it would make any difference other than hurt my husband and cause a greater rift right before we’re having a baby, but think it might be a good opportunity to address how I’ve never felt welcomed into the family and it hurts my feelings.
I should add, we’ve never been very close, and have had few issues in the past but they were never really addressed publicly and we are all civil with one another when we’re together. At my bridal shower my mom and his mom met for the first time and my mom was going on and on about how she loves my husband and how happy she is to have him in the family, his mother’s response was “us too” as in they love him as well, not that they had a nice word to say about me. Then his sister told my mom that she was happy that we were getting married because now that she knows we’re serious we can get to know one another, at that point I had to walk away, because we’ve been dating for ten years and my family has long considered my husband to be a part of the family.
So is it even worth it to hash it out, or should I just accept that we’re not going to be close and be thankful I like my own family?
Post # 3
Welcome to my world. I have, in my own words, a crappy Mother-In-Law too and a SIL who couldn’t even answer her phone when her brother called to tell her that she was going to be an aunt. Personally, for me, I’d rather enjoy my day than worry about why they won’t come or why they are acting a certain way. I have a couple of posts about my craptastic Mother-In-Law and how she refuses to listen and does her own thing much to the dismay of myself and her son.
If they can’t figure out how to make something work AND they haven’t asked for help then I wouldn’t spend another minute on it.
Post # 4
Honestly, you had dated for 10 years and your SIL didn’t bother to try to get to know you. That’s crap. If it were me, I wouldn’t be making an effort to be a part of their family. I wouldn’t bother going over there for Easter or any other holidays until they can act human toward you. Darling Husband should understand why. His family treats you like crap and he needs to tell them to knock it off. Now that there’s a baby on the way, maybe he will stand up a little more firm to them. I know my Darling Husband did!
Post # 5
I’d avoid making a big deal about it over this. I don’t think they reason for not coming is totally crazy so if you were going to get upset with them about something – I don’t think this should be it.
It would be different if your SIL was free and they all just didn’t want to come – but I can understand older people not feeling comfortable driving and not having a ride because she’s busy.
Have you told your husband how you feel, could he say something to him? It seems like something minor to dump 10 years of being upset into – I’d wait till a different time.
Post # 6
Can I assume that you live near your inlaws? Would your husband be willing to drive them to and from the shower? Would you be willing to drive them yourself? Sometimes people need someone to offer before they ask a favor such as driving them 1.5 hours.
Post # 7
Personally I’d let it go, its not worth the stress or drama it will cause if you say something. We had quite a bit of drama with my in-laws around the time of my shower. When Darling Husband called to ask them where they were his father said they’d show up when they got there and we should count our blessings they were coming at all. They showed up 45 minutes late to the shower, which was mainly attended by their family. I’ve been learning a lot lately that we can’t change them, only how we react to them.
Post # 8
Honestly – while I understand that they’ve been crappy to you in the past, your ILs have valid reasons for not attending your shower.
Your SIL can’t really help that she had prior plans and it is much harder for her to reschedule those plans if she wanted to because they involve people coming from out of town. And if your Mother-In-Law and Grand-MIL aren’t comfortable driving an hour and a half on the interstate and SIL can’t drive them, they are kind of stuck.
While I understand that you’d like your husband’s family to be there, I don’t see any shower related reason that you can be upset with them.
Post # 9
This isn’t the point I’d decide to hash it out. My IL aren’t coming to my baby shower and we get along fine. They weren’t going to be able to make it to the first one because they were having friends over but then it had to be rescheduled and now they’re going to be away.
Post # 10
I get that the SIL has plans, but she’s also known the date for a month or two, and just a few weeks ago she told my husband “I guess the next time we see you will be at the shower.” (I think she didn’t know the plan for Easter yet.) So I think she actually scheduled the friend over the shower. Again, I don’t know all the details because I heard both of those things secondhand.
We talked about driving his mom and grandma and I think our decision is that if that offer seems natural, great, but I’m not all comfortable pushing the issue and getting turned down.
My husband does know I wish we had a closer relationship but I try to keep some of my more harsh thoughts to myself. He did say that maybe I need to accept that they just don’t want to be as involved in our lives as my parents.
Post # 11
I have a friend who went through this. Her in laws (who live 2 hours away) didn’t come to her baby shower, sent her a crappy gift, and didn’t come to her daughter’s 1st birthday. She just kind of accepted the fact that they aren’t as close as she wants to be, even though of course it makes her upset. If it really bothers you, I would have your husband talk to them since it’s his family.
Post # 12
Some people are just not that into family. I hope that’s the case with his. Our families have always accepted the other, even before we were engaged, because we all knew that this was forever. When we all hang out, you can’t tell where his family ends and mine begins. We also lived with my Father-In-Law for 4 years, so that definitely had something to do with the reason why we are all so close. I think maybe you should have your husband speak to them about how they make you feel, and go from there