(Closed) In-Laws overstepping? Need advice please!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

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@LedeLady:  I would have a small chat with your in-laws if I were you. Just tell them that you would prefer that they call you before coming over and you will be more than happy to let them in. Put your foot down now, otherwise you’ll never be able to stop them.

Post # 33
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@LedeLady:  So he thinks it’s okay, you think it’s not… How about explaining that you two are now your own family and can make your own rules (ideally a blending of both your own individual norms). Okay so it was a misunderstanding, then maybe from now on you two can decide you would prefer family to call before visiting, and not make a big deal about the whole thing at this point. I can see where he is coming from, my family is very much similar, but I would try to be understanding if it bothered my DH and try to make a compromise. 

I mean, what happens when they show up and your fresh outta the shower walking around naked? What if they barge in during sexy time? What if they forget to leave something locked & you get a real breakin? What if the neighbors don’t know them and see some stranger coming & going and call the cops? Personally, I think it’s common curtesy to at least contact the person before visiting and isn’t that much to ask from here on out…. 

Post # 34
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@LedeLady:  I just stumbled across this thread now, and my head hit the desk when I read your update.  Ugh! Men 🙁

If he can’t understand why it bothered you that they went in unannounced, could he at least understand that the fact that they BROKE IN freaks you out?  How are you supposed to feel secure if it was that easy?  If anything, appeal to the need for a sense of safety – install a security system, and let everyone know you’re doing it – so they HAVE to let you know they’re coming.

I don’t like people having keys to our home, no matter how close we are.  We ended up installing Schlage deadbolts with keypads.  We can give people temporary codes if need be, and remove the code after the need has passed.

Post # 35
Member
9541 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@LedeLady:  Just because you guys have different opinions about boundaries for family, doesn’t mean that you have to go with his opinion. Isn’t marriage all about compromise? You get your opinion too! And it would be mine as well! You and your husband need to come to an agreement between yourselves. That means an agreeman – not him just getting his way!

Post # 36
Member
3696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@LedeLady:  It took my mom 37 years, but she finally lost it with her in-laws (my grandparents).  They constantly just walk into the house, let themselves in to do stuff when no on is home, etc.  Grandma comes over to “help” mom and cleans the house because she’s so busy.  How insulting – she can clean her own house. 

Anyway – she changed the locks and garage door access code and didn’t give them a key and told them why.  They were hurt at first but they’ve gotten over it.  They’re still invited over like normal, just not to treat it like their own or their 15 year old child’s house. 

You need to talk to them and ask (nicely, at first) that they only come over when invited, and not break into your home.  You understand that they are excited about the place, too, but it is your marital home and you will need your privacy and space.  and DON’T GIVE THEM A KEY.

ETA – just saw your update.  You’ll have to work on the husband.  Definitely start walking around naked a lot and having sex in the front room. 

Post # 37
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@LedeLady:  You can talk to them but make it “about them”

Ask them how they got in, mention “nosey neighbors” and next time have them call you because you do not want them to assume they were breaking in (which they were) and get the police called on them.

 

Also, I would have ADT installed STAT. One good time for the alarm to go off and the police to come and charge them and that will end.it.all…

Post # 38
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@LedeLady:  Oh that shit wouldn’t fly with me. I’d be telling DH, “Well, maybe that’s how it was with your family, but with our family, meaning you and I, we are going to have to agree on something that works for US.”

I have given my parents a key to my house, but they do NOT just come and go as they please. They only come when they tell me first or when I know they have something to drop off.

Yeah, in hindsight it probably isn’t a huge deal, but seriously when you get a new home or are excited to tell someone about it, YOU want to be the one to tell them. Not have someone else do it, especially people who couldn’t give you the courtesy of a phone call to say, “Hey. Would it be ok if we took grandpa and grandma to see the house?”

No. Just no. it is seriously time for a discussion.

Post # 39
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I come from a family where coming and going frome each others houses (with or without them there) is very normal, but, I also understand that this practice really isn’t the norm for everyone else.  I would never show up to someones house unannounced or invited and break in that wasn’t family.  This may seem trite, but they may not have seen the whole “breaking in” thing as a big deal because the house isn’t being lived in yet.  I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, I’m just saying that could have been part of their thought process.  I do understand the disappointment though at missing out on the chance to show the grandparents the house first.

 

As far as a compromise goes with your husband, maybe you could set the rule of them at least calling before they come over, so if you’re in the shower you don’t walk out naked as the day you were born only to find in-laws standing in your living room, or if you’re away from the house, you would just have a heads up that they were going by there for whatever reason.  

Edit: Family drama aside, CONGRATS on the house!! How exciting and what a wonderful opportunity to live in a family home but also make it your own!

Post # 41
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@LedeLady:  Awww, I think that’s wonderful! Good for you!

Post # 42
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

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@LedeLady:  Once the house is done I will DEFINITELY be installing a security system … with cameras. I didn’t even think about them walking in on sexy time…


That may be the only way to get them to stop! Wink
 

 

Post # 43
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@LedeLady:  Just make sure DH does not give away the passcode…..

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