In laws threatened to not attend the wedding

posted 5 days ago in Intercultural
Post # 2
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee

Your FH needs to tell them that plans have been made, guests are coming and no changes will be made to your current plans.  If he doesn’t stand by you in this you need to rethink marrying him.  His wife should ALWAYS come before his parents.  If he puts them first rethink this marriage.

Post # 3
Member
34 posts
Newbee

I’m so sorry Bee. This sounds awful. 

I am not intimately familiar with either culture. Is it typical to have a “split venue” like this in Muslim culture? I understand that this is the practice in certain sects of Judaism. Would it be possible to do one part of your wedding this “traditional” way and another part your way?

Also, is there a particular reason why you shouldn’t be able to invite your family? How would your family feel about such a “split venue” arrangement? 

It’s my personal belief that the most beautiful intercultural weddings celebrate both cultures. Are your husband’s parents just having a “my way or the highway” mindset about it?

Would it be out of budget to have two weddings if they insist on being so difficult? 

Post # 4
Member
3026 posts
Sugar bee

This is rough bee. You need to talk to your Fiance asap. Your wedding is in a month. This has been planned for how many months. I would TELL HIM – it is too late to change venues. It is too late to uninvite my family. What do you want to do? Not what do your parents want to do. 

My husbands family is also muslim, and they still attend “mixed” weddings. This is an absurd thing to impose in general, let alone last minue. It sounds like Father-In-Law is having a control crisis and your Fiance needs to stand up FOR YOU. If your Fiance caves to his family about this, please think about what your future is going to be like. It is always going to be parents first, wife second. And I really dont think that is how you want to live. 

Post # 5
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

tmunoz4412 :  Wow his parents are being a&&holes. Sorry, Bee. Your FH needs to step up here. His parents have zero say in any of this since they didn’t pay for the wedding and they’re just being total dbags tbh anyways. Don’t give into them, they’re acting like babies.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
34 posts
Newbee

I only mention the two weddings bit because there have been a few intercultural weddings in my family where we do separate traditional ceremonies from each culture and then combine to have an American wedding on another day. Yes, this results in literally three ceremonies sometimes – which is exhausting – but it is one way to keep the peace among traditional elders. 

Culture A parents pay for the Culture A wedding (and have it however they want, invite whoever they want, tell the couple to just show up), Culture B parents pay for the Culture B wedding (same thing) and the bride and groom pay for their modern or American wedding (where neither set of parents has any say). Each couple can consider “their” wedding the “real wedding.”

Post # 7
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

There’s some big issues here that you need to get on the same page with your Fiance about. The wedding they describe and the one you are planning are two different events in every way it seems. 

If you bend to their will now, a month out, you will find yourself doing it again in the future. You both need to have a frank discussion about this wedding and your lives together. What does your Fiance really want?

Post # 8
Member
89 posts
Worker bee

Wow, so the father doesn’t want you to have your family guests (even though your fiance’s family has more), wants to change the venue one month out, and wants your guests segregated by sex. And he’s using the threat of non-attendance to try and get all his shitty wishes. And your fiance won’t stand up to him so you have the choice of doing everything father wants, or being the “villain” who stops the family from attending. 

The father isn’t doing this because he’s “strict” and Muslim. He’s just an unreasonable, controlling person. I think if you give him what he wants, he won’t be happy. He’ll just know that you and fiance can be manipulated and will know what to do to get his (unreasonable) way in the future.

Your fiance needs to stand up to his father, otherwise the troubles won’t end with the wedding.

Post # 9
Member
3963 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Am I right in thinking that Muslim weddings last 3 days? Mendhi on day one (just brides family), day two is the brides wedding (the groom is welcomed into the brides side and the couple go off together) and day three is the grooms wedding (where the bride is welcomed into the grooms side – this can be the beginning of weeks of partying). I’ve only been to the bride’s wedding, as that was my connection to the couple, so I’m sorry if I am wrong.

My point is though: perhaps your in laws don’t realise you’re only having the one day?

At this stage things can’t be changed and your Fiance needs to man up and explain things. It could be possible there has been a misunderstanding. 

Post # 10
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Your fiance needs to tell his father that he can either come to the wedding you have planned as a couple or miss your wedding entirely. He needs to stand up for you, your relationship, and your future. As his wife, you will have to be his #1 priority. Not his family. 

He needs to put boundaries in place NOW or things will only get worse after you get married! 

Post # 11
Member
3702 posts
Sugar bee

tmunoz4412 :  My advice may not be popular but I say you two continue on with your plans as is. Your ILs cannot reasonably expect you to change everything last minute?! If it was so important to your ILs they should have spoken up a long time ago. Therefore it must not have been important and they’re deciding on a whim. Not ok. 

Hopefully your Fiance backs you up. Not allowing my family at my own wedding would be complete dealbreaker territory for me. I would absolutely not go along with this. It may be their culture but what about yours? And if it was so important they should have spoken up sooner.

Even if they did I wouldn’t go along with such a strict interpretation. At all. 

Only you can know what you’re willing to put up with. 

Post # 12
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

tmunoz4412 :  you have a fiance problem.  He’s allowing *his* family to take precedence over you,. He is actually allowing you to cry and believe you have to uninvite your family and change venues a month out?!  WTF, if it were me, fiance would not have to worry about his parents not attending, he’d have to worry that *I* would not be attending! I would put all plans for marriage immediately on hold and I don’t say that lightly….Your fiance prioritising his family over you is what you can expect in your marriage!  HUGE REDFLAG

Post # 13
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

His dad doesn’t want you to invite your guests? Hell no! That is so beyond unreasonable. 

 

Also, you mention their religious standing but what culture are they? I’m Muslim but culture wise I’m from Pakistan where segregated weddings aren’t very common nor really expected. Arabs though typically only do segregated weddings and that would have been a reasonable request if it has been brought up way, waaaaay in advance. To bring it up now is ridiculous and your Fiance needs to shoot the idea down asap. 

Post # 14
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

ladyartichoke :  Pakistani/Indian weddings last three days. Arab weddings are typically only one. It’s not a religious thing, it’s a cultural thing. 

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