In laws threatened to not attend the wedding

posted 1 year ago in Intercultural
Post # 16
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

I feel like you’re looking at it like you have to choose whether his family attends or yours does. But you need to remember that if his family is going to not attend because they didn’t get their ridiculous demands met, that is THEIR fault, not yours. If they choose not to attend, it’s entirely on them. Your fiance should see that and should stop making you feel like it’s your “decision”.

Post # 17
Member
455 posts
Helper bee

Ouch, this is rough. I’m sorry, I feel for you! I’m in an intercultural relationship myself and planning was very difficult to reconcile between two families within 2 different parts of India alone – I can’t imagine how tough it would be with 2 totally different cultures.

How about this – let them plan a “sangeet”, “mehendhi” or “dholki” event the day before? That way they can do it however they want and invite a bajillion people as per their tradition. They can pay for it, everyone wins. Some Indian/south asian/Pakistani venues will allow something super short notice if it’s on a Friday, weekday, or Sunday.

Post # 18
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

tmunoz4412 :  honestly OP, this is ringing alarm bells but not in regards to your in-laws. You obviously come from very different cultural and religious backgrounds. Have you discussed how you will both manage that and what each of your expectations are in regards to this? If your fiancé has said that he will do xyz and is now doing the opposite in regards to your wedding and his parents, how do you trust that his actions will match his words in the future? This is a big deal and really has the opportunity to impact the success and longevity of a relationship.

I’d seriously question his behavior. His family are not the real problem here….

 

Post # 19
Member
2403 posts
Buzzing bee

Think carefully depending on how your fiance handles this.  Is he going to let his father interfere and dictate how you raise any future children, too?

Post # 20
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

I agree with the PP that the decision that they do not attend is on them not you. The choice is theirs not yours.

This is a crossroads a test if you will, for your future together. If you acceed to their demands now then you have given them the power to believe that they can exert control over future decisions in your marriage. Start the way you mean to continue.

Like all blackmail- if it works the first time what it to stop them doing it again?

Post # 21
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee

Pardon my ignorance but how do they get 250 people to suddenly not attend the wedding just like that? Would his parents be calling up their relatives and tell them not to come and speak ill of his own son & daughter in law? Or if it’s just the parents not attending, what would other guests from his side think?

I don’t know about Muslim culture but in Chinese culture where I’m from, for the parents that would be like slapping your own face, it will get gossiped about amongst the relatives forever and as a traditional person, the father would probably feel embarrassed  forever.

If that’s the sort of mentality they hold as well, I would get your Fiance to talk to them from that angle and ask them not to embarrass themselves and the family by making a scene last minute. Also reinforce the fact that everything is booked and cannot he changed this close to the date.

If they don’t accept or try to put the blame on him, make sure he make it clear that a) any embarrassment or shame or judgement endured as a result of their actions is their own fault, don’t go blaming their son. And b) make sure he tell them how much of distress they’ve put on him and how can someone who claim to love their child to put him in this position. Basically using the same tactics and leverage they used on him on them.

I’m willing to bet they are just saying this to get their way and will ultimately attend either way for the reasons I’ve stated before (avoid embarrassment). Also you should remind your Fiance that while you understand what a difficult position he’s in, you two are a team and he’s the one with negotiation power with his parents because he’s their child after all, not you. Just like he wouldn’t get you to negotiate with your parents. Also tell him not inviting your family isn’t an option. Changing venue isn’t an option. As he should very well already be aware.

Post # 22
Member
9733 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Your wedding is in a month, nothing is being changed at this point. Sorry, Father-In-Law. 

Post # 23
Member
455 posts
Helper bee

missyjz :  Very true – my own dad once threatened that if I wear an Amerian style dress that he thought was too revealing, that he “wouldn’t attend my reception”. I was like er…more than half the guests are yours, not my friends…honestly if he didn’t show up it would just look bad on him and my family lol.

OP – it kind of sounds like there was a giant lapse of communication here. My bet is one of two things happened: 1) your Fiance procrastinated/neglected in telling his family the plan for the wedding hoping to find the “right time” to break the news to them that it won’t be the way they envisioned it and that right time never emerged until recently when it all blew up and now they’re (kind of rightfully) mad or 2) They were probably not thriled but ok with the idea until they broke the news (with the invitation) to their own relatives and now they are facing a lot of pressure from their own elder relatives and they are stressed because of that and are taking it out on you guys.

Post # 24
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee

glutton :  those two scenarios both sound plausible! Maybe it’s driven by relatives comments and judgement and they’re feeling pressured / judged.

Post # 25
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Sorry, but his parents had plenty of time to object before now. 250 people are planning on coming to your wedding in a month! Tell them it’s too late to change this one, and you would love for them to attend, you can even choose to add some traditional aspects of their culture / religion if you want to.

You can also tell them that if that’s not good enough, they can pay for a second wedding that is more their taste (as long as you would both be willing to go through another one)

Post # 26
Member
3837 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Your fiance must simply stand strong and refuse to bend to them. This really comes down to your fiance and whether he is willing to stand with you as a unit or whether he will railroad you in favour of his parents. Honestly, if he gives in here I would seriously reconsider even getting married because it will continue to happen. 

His parents aren’t paying for it. They have no say. From now on send them an invite but don’t even discuss your plans. If they refuse to come that really sucks but it’s their decision (and there’s no way they will get all 250 peopel to boycott!). Their demands are not reasonable. The venue is none of their business. They have more than enough invites. A segregated wedding is so extreme. 

Post # 27
Member
9606 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

wtf.  who calls their bride and asks them to not only uninvite 100 guests with only a month to go but their FAMILY from their own wedding.

No.  Let him know if you’re going, your family/guests are going.  If he wants you to cancel on your entire side he can assume you won’t show up either.  He can figure out wtf to tell his parents.

What a heartless thing to even suggest to you, even if it was his dad’s idea/demands.

Post # 28
Member
667 posts
Busy bee

You’ve already planned it, it’s done. If they don’t come, then they don’t come for being petty. Especially about not wanting your family there, that’s just ridiculous. 

Post # 29
Member
756 posts
Busy bee

FYI, muslim is not a place of origin. If I were you, I would educate myself on their religion and cultural traditions prior to getting married. This wedding won’t be the last issue you’ll encounter.

Post # 30
Member
760 posts
Busy bee

are you certain that all family members will follow along if your Father-In-Law doesn’t attend?

when I married my husband my Father-In-Law ended up acting just like yours. Little to no interest or discussion until about 3 weeks ahead of time and all of a sudden he’s furious that he’s not making decisions. Called us selfish that we would dare have a wedding focused around our lifestyle and tastes vs ‘making it about family’ ie letting him have his way.

He wasn’t paying for anything, had no interest during the panning then last minute furious we didn’t want to change things to his liking.

He didn’t attend, neither did his mother or other family members.  after the wedding we brought pictures to a family function. People were shocked to see pictures. Told us that they were told the wedding had been canceled! I urge you to discuss it with family members so hopefully the same thing won’t happen to you!

in reality, it didnt hurt the wedding any to not have them there. It hurt my husband that his dad would be willing to miss such a important event in his sons life, and my husband is never going to forgive him for that.

Over the years I was told my other family members that those that didn’t attend really regretted it, so I guess that helps a little. I hope your inlaws don’t make the same mistake mine made. The wedding will go on fine without them I’m sure, but once they decide not to attend, they  can’t undo that decision.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors