(Closed) In-laws trying to be parents

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

It’s funny, I actually would LIKE to call my fiance’s parents mom and dad… but not till after we are married. However my fmil already expressed to me how odd she thinks it is for people to call their spouses parents mom and dad, because that’s something only your own parents deserve. So she is sort of in your place.

 

I can’t relate too much here… My fiance’s parents do treat me like I am one of their kids, but I’m okay with it. I actually like it, just because to me that shows that they care about me and are comfortable with me.

 

I’d say the best solution would be to talk to your fmil and just tell her that you want to wait until you are part of the family to start thinking of them in a parental role to yourself. That’ll buy you a little time and things might change by then.

 

I have been dating my fiance 5 1/2 years and I am still trying to break the habit of calling his mom and dad “mr. and mrs. neugebauer” and instead call them “gerard and maria”

Post # 4
Hostess
12063 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

no desire to call my FH’s parents mom & dad.  I’ve always called them by their first names – that won’t change just because we’re getting married.  She’s been calling herself my Mother-In-Law for years – the only time I don’t use their first names is when I’m talking to my FH’s neice & nephew in which case I call them Grammy & Grampy like you would…

Post # 5
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I suggest talking to them about why it makes you uncomfortable if the other ways of bringing it up aren’t working.  I don’t see why you can’t say “While I really appreciate your offer to call you mom and dad, and the sentiments behind it. I believe that mom and dad are names that you reserve for your own parents.  I hope that you can understand where I’m coming from. I prefer to call you x and y”.

 

Post # 6
Member
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Commenting to follow… my background is this…

When I was about 7 or 8, my mother began to really spiral out of control in terms of her mental illness. In effect, I became her carer, and the second parent within our home. By the age of 10 or 11, this transformation was complete. The result was that I grew up to be very independent.

Fiance, on the other hand, grew up within a supportive family and was comparatively emotionally (although not financially) spoilt. His parents protected him, and still do.

The problem is that they “feel sorry for me, because I was never a child” and want to see me as a daughter. I get it… but I find it really weird. I’m used to relating to people as adult-adult, not as adult-child.

Post # 7
Member
2250 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I get along well with my in-laws, but I will never call them Mom and Dad. My parents are my parents, my in-laws are my in-laws… I’ll always call them by their first names.

However, if I was asked by either of them straight-up to refer to them as mom and dad, I’m not sure how I’d react! It would be hard to tell them “no, you aren’t my parents”, because they clearly KNOW that… I’m really not sure how I’d handle it. Perhaps tell Fiance that he needs to have a private word with them about how I’m just not comfortable calling anyone except my parents mom and dad.

Post # 9
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

my mother calls her Mother-In-Law, my grandmother, Mom. She requested that I do the same for my in-laws but I’m like UM no not really. I address my in-laws by first name, as they requested years into DH’s and my relationship.

Post # 11
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I really think it varies by person. My mom calls my dads parents “mom and dad”… But my dad calls my moms parents “chuck and gail”. So it’s really a by person basis. You have to do what seems right to you. 

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