In Laws Want Key to House

posted 2 weeks ago in Married Life
Post # 61
Member
224 posts
Helper bee

 

TwilightRarity :  interesting, ty. I wonder if you are Indian, Pakistani, Arab, or Asian. Because they are like next level collectivist!! Since this thread I texted All my cousins, who are basically Indian. They all said this is fine as long as sister is okay with it, no uproar about anything. 

But regardless, OP isn’t comfortable with it.

Post # 62
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee

soexcited123 :  Yes, i’m saying when I didn’t live here I didn’t yet have a say.  It was his house, I moved in.  The FIL’s & Future Sister-In-Law already had keys.  As soon as I moved in though, I set boundaries, I had to once they were showing up and popping in randomly.  It was not easy for me at first, I felt like it wasn’t my place to say but quickly realized that it absolutely was since I live here and contribute, it is OUR home now.

Post # 63
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve been putting my own “stuff” away since I was a kid. I certainly don’t need (or want) my mother-in-law doing it for me.

We value our privacy and do not wish anyone to have access to our home without a specific request from us and only in case of emergency. This has not occurred in all our married life together. We have always had a key hidden in our yard should the occasion arise.

Even if it is considered a norm in a specific culture, you still are adults that can say No. 

Post # 64
Member
2198 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I guess it depends. I mean, my husband had keys to his parents’ house and they had keys to his but they’d also stay with us and vice versa. 

Post # 65
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee

Marie2 :  I don’t know a single Pakistani or Arab living in the west who gives keys to parents for no reason. Most of our parents, if local, do have keys but for emergencies only. And unless you’re actually living in a joint family system, I haven’t heard of anyone’s parents (among my family and friends) just barging in even if they have the spare. My mother and Mother-In-Law have never let themselves into my home unless explicitly instructed! It wouldn’t even occur to them to do so. Anyone of my cousins or friends would flip if their parents did that. And my Mother-In-Law would never ever be given my sister’s house keys even if me and SO lived there. She would have zero reason to be given one! 

-A Pakistani living in the US with a family that is not next level collectivists. Not saying there aren’t Asian families out there like that, there definitely are, but the generalization is not appreciated. 

Post # 66
Member
13707 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Hard pass on this one. 

Post # 67
Member
8278 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

finnegan93 :  if even one of you doesn’t want the parents to have keys then they don’t get keys. I had a friend who actually had to take the keys back from her mom because she would show up unannounced so much. Most times she didn’t even text them a “hey I was in the neighborhood and stopped by the house” – they would just come home and find boxes in the foyer (because mom cleaned out her basement and thought they wanted her crap) and once they came home and noticed she had completely rearranged all the ornaments on their Christmas tree! Her husband lost his shit and even though it didn’t bother my friend that much she took the keys back at his request.

Post # 68
Member
1596 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Nooooo. 

And this is coming from someone who previously had given her parents keys to her house. Darling Husband never said much about having a problem with it, but after discussing some boundaries, we decided to make changes. 

We now have a Nest door lock that we can grant out temporary codes to let our family in if absolutely needed (for example, my mom lets our dog out if neither of us can get away from work). 

However, we do not live with my husbands sister. If we did, there is no way in hell we would do this, nor would my parents ask. This is just weird. 

Post # 69
Member
938 posts
Busy bee

I’m of Asian Indian descent  and my parents live several streets away and had the key to my previous house and the code to my current one (I moved in the same neighborhood). They come and go as they please, bringing food/groceries over, using our long distance, walking my dogs, helping out with my kids.  Now-DH thought it was weird when we were dating and he would be over at my house, but I made it clear that this wasn’t a boundary I was changing; he accepted it. my dad used to do my laundry and mow my yard too when I was a single mom, but stopped when Darling Husband and I moved in together 

Marie2 :  

Post # 70
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

I’m still confused about what stuff they’ll be putting away while you’re gone and why they need to do that? 

Post # 71
Member
224 posts
Helper bee

dobby98 :  first, I’m so sorry for the generalization. Dense of me. I have many Pakistani family members who grew up in India.

Second…we’re saying the same thing which is that in laws may be more likely to have a key in case of emergencies if they are from a collectivist culture than individualistic, or at least, it wouldn’t offend the couple  that the in laws asked. Are you seeing what others are saying? That it’s a huge violation to even ask for a key, etc. I’m not saying they are more likely to barge in at all….no way. Everyone I know  would  naturally  respect  the boundary even  if they had a spare-no question. I’m Just saying a young couple from a collectivist culture would be less likely to find an in-law’s request to have a spare key in order to help them move in a violation the way that others from an individualistic culture might. 

Post # 72
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee

Marie2 :  I appreciate you acknowledging the poor wording. No harm done. And yes I do see what everyone is saying, but the distinction here is that the in-laws are asking for OP’s sister’s house keys. If they were asking for OP’s own house keys, no one here would find that request itself outrageous. That’s a fairly typical request. At that point it’d be left to OP and her husband’s comfort and boundaries. The unique variable here is the fact that it’s not their own house. It’s her sister’s (who is not related to the in-laws) therefore, that’s a weird and inappropriate request regardless of the culture. But that’s just my opinion. And tbh I still don’t understand the living situation. An apartment and a house are two completely different things and OP is mentioning both which is confusing me- How is an apartment in a house lol? Hopefully OP has figured out a decision by now and hopefully her husband supports it. 

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