In-laws want to sit down and talk about our "problems."

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

Sorry you’re in this awful situation. 

As for the sit-down, I’m definitely on your side. Usually I’m all for having an honest conversation, but you can’t have a rational discussion with irrational people. And I would NEVER advise anyone to try and ‘hash things out’ with an abusive person, it’s not safe or healthy or in any way productive. 

Your Darling Husband wants to ‘fix them’ but he has to consider that A. they don’t seem to want to fix themselves, only criticize others and B. his willingness to put up with abusive, toxic relatives has put his own wife directly into the company of abusive toxic people. He needs to put you first. It’s sad that he’s willing to be their punching bag but he can’t expect it of his wife as well. 

Post # 3
Member
47293 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
bee123456789 :  I would put things on hold until Darling Husband has made some progress in therapy and his therapist thinks it’s ok.

Post # 4
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Your husband needs to realize that he can’t fix this. Realizing they are abusive is a huge step, but it’s not enough. Hopefully therapy will help with this. 

Personally, I think you should consider cutting them off. You can’t force your husband to, but it may be what is best for you. I understand that you may want to be by his side through this, but realize that you never have to see them again if you don’t want to.

So the issue at hand — I’m glad your husband is with you about not “hashing things out”. Do not see them any time soon. Even if you say “We aren’t having that conversation, but we will come over for dinner”, they will still bring it up. 

The next time you see them, let them know that you’ll be leaving when things become emotional and out of hand. And when it happens, you and your husband both have to leave immediately. 

Over time, perhaps they will learn to behave normally, because they know you will leave when they act up. If they don’t, you need to cut them off. Hopefully with therapy, your Darling Husband will also cut them off.

Good luck, Bee. 

Post # 6
Member
2109 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

There is no magic solution. You cannot fix broken people. All you will do in the process is wear yourself down and add stress to your marriage. The more often you sweep your issues with them under the rug, the more frequently they will see you and treat you like the doormats you are acting like. They have shown you time and time again that they do not respect you. If you allow them to continue to hurt you and your Darling Husband, that is your fault.

Your Darling Husband needs to get himself to therapy, stat.

Post # 7
Member
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club

View original reply
bee123456789 :  Is Darling Husband in therapy? If not, seek a therapist out as soon as possible. Ask for their professional opinion on handling this matter. Maybe after a few sessions, Darling Husband can bring you in for a session to get your perspective and feelings on the matter to help you be a unified front and understand eachother stance better before entering that type of situation. 

Post # 9
Member
2415 posts
Buzzing bee

They want to discuss things in person b/c they KNOW you’re at the end of your rope – they KNOW you’ll lose control of your temper. 

And then they can add that to the list of all the things you do wrong. 

That’s classic abuse. Push, push, push until you get the victim to explode. Then point at their explosion as proof that you are right about what a terrible person they are. 

I would definitely not be meeting up with them. And I’d be pushing Darling Husband to get a better handle on everything. He’s in denial if he thinks they can be fixed. He’s still seeking their approval of him after all this time. 

Post # 10
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
bee123456789 :  Your update is so heartbreaking- I can’t imagine kicking one of my kids out of their home and leaving them homeless, I would literally sooner cut off my own arm. But your Darling Husband isn’t being realistic- he’s yearning for the kind of father he wishes he had, not the kind of father he’s unfortunately got. I feel sad for your Darling Husband but he’s pining for an ideal that doesn’t exist and trying to find it in an abusive, awful father is only going to hurt him. I’m glad you’re looking into therapy for him. 

Post # 13
Member
2705 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Sitting down and talking about things = sitting you two down and lecturing you like naughty children. Nothing good will come of it. Even if your Darling Husband is still deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), you don’t have to see them. He can have whatever relationship he wants with them, but you can cut them off from you. He needs therapy, and eventually he might realize he can’t fix them. And stop emoting for him, whatever you do.

Post # 14
Member
1208 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Just say no.   “No” is a complete sentence.  You don’t have to converse about a finality… you aren’t doing x, the end. 

People who want to converse about your boundaries are usually asking for an opportunity to change your mind with whatever tactics they have on hand, not more clarity. 

 

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