In-laws want to stay with us during wedding

posted 4 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
13713 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Your fiance should just tell them that you are happy to host them at some other time but it won’t be possible the week of the wedding with so much going on. Period. 

Post # 3
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2021

“They’ve hinted at extending the invite to other family members since there’s the in-law suite, an extra bedroom, and couch space. Soooo…where are we staying? That’s great that they can save so much money not paying for an AirBnB, but then we’re kicked out of our home AND have to pay for lodging for ourselves??”

Bee I am as nice as they come and absolutely suffer from being too much a people-pleaser at the best of times, but you are letting these people walk all over you. Are you forgetting that you and your FH have a say in this?? 

Post # 4
Member
415 posts
Helper bee

Wow… that’s a lot! And I don’t blame you one bit. Sounds like you’re not entirely sure of where you want to land on this issue so you need to sit down with your Fiance ASAP and come to a consensus before this whole thing spirals completely out of control.

Then he needs to be the one that communicates what will happen and how much you both are willing to acccomodate (or not) his family. 

Post # 5
Member
908 posts
Busy bee

Every point you listed is 100% valid! Have a conversation with Fiance and advise him to speak with them about staying another time instead of for your wedding. 

Post # 6
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
@anon987654321:  I hosted my brother and his family (wife/2 kids) the week leading up to my wedding. It was their first time in CA so we did all the typical stuff, Disneyland, Rodeo Drive, Santa Monica Piet, Loya of dinner downtown…..it was stressful, the week before is so crazy, but it was MY choice! I would discuss this was your fiancé, if you guys decide to allow them to stay DO NOT give up your home, they can stay in the in suite, put your foot down on other people though!

Post # 7
Hostess
4738 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
@anon987654321:  Sounds like our families are similar, I sympathize.  You and your F.H. have to be on the same page, or you’re going to end up hosting his entire family for a month.  That sounds unreasonable and unpleasant to do even when it’s *not* your wedding week, so this would be something I would 100% bring up to your F.H. asap.  I don’t think you’re being irrational at all.  I would have a heart to heart with your F.H., lay out all of your concerns, and see what he says.  Hopefully he’ll be the one to reach out to them and let them know that they shouldn’t cancel their Airbnb!  If your husband is a “you’re always welcome!” kind of guy like mine is, recommend also addressing how to handle people visiting in the future so that next time he can say something like “let me check with mine and anon987654321’s schedule and get back to you” vs. having to deal with the stress of trying to backtrack. 

Post # 8
Member
2635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I agree with you on all these points.  Why would anyone think it’s ok to stay with the couple that is getting married, during the wedding?  No, just no!

You’re going to have to set the boundaries now.  The quicker, the better.  Because what you may not realize is, that studio suite of yours on the beach?  Uh, yeah.  Guaranteed they’re already daydreaming about all the times they’re going to get to stay there.  Studio Suite = Rental Income, NOT free vacay pad whenever any family feels like it.  I feel like this is going to be the bigger issue going down the road.

Post # 9
Member
2213 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
@beantime:  I agree with this.  Before any plans are made, you two need to come to an agreement.  

Your fiance should have immediately said, “Hold up with the planning; I need to talk to my future wife first.  We will let you know if we will be able to accommodate you for the wedding weekend.” 

That should still be his take: “Dad, I know you mentioned to my future father-in-law about staying a few weeks.  Please don’t set any plans in stone yet.  This will be our wedding time, and future wife and I may want more privacy.” 

You are both being walked all over. His family sounds over the top and entitled, and I wouldn’t want to spend my wedding night with family members nearby while I was having loud, passionate, wedding night sex with my husband, not even if they were in the in-law suite.  Absolutely not.  (I know that’s a bit over the top, but are you seeing how ridiculous that is?)

Add in your lost rental income during peak season?  This is a no-go.  You’re relying on that money to pay your mortgage.  

“No” is a complete sentence. “We haven’t decided if we will be having family stay at our home” is a complete answer.  Time for you and your future husband to grow a spine.  You and your marriage come first, always. 

Post # 10
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I would not be okay with any of that. Your decision to buy that particular home was based on the fact that one area would be used to produce money. Money you won’t be getting if your in-laws move in and stay for weeks on end. It is also insanely inconsiderate of them to impose themselves on you guys without taking into account that you guys might want to enjoy your new life together without them in the way.

Personally I would tell them that they can’t stay. First, to make the point that no one gets to make that choice without discussing it with, you know, the homeowners. And also to establish that your home is not going to become a headquarters for everyone for endless visits every time they come into town 

Post # 11
Member
2193 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@anon987654321:  

That would be a hard no from me. Weddings are stressful for the bride and groom. His family is being very inconsiderate. Your home turning into the hangout point for his family is not appropriate at all, considering the occasion–your wedding! I would let your fi handle the conversation with them but if it were me, I would insist that they stick with the Airbnb and that everyone understand that you guys won’t be hosting anything at all. 

Post # 12
Member
629 posts
Busy bee

Yeah, I think you and your husband are going to have to figure out some ground rules for the studio. Because having a room on the beach will likely turn into lots of friends and family thinking it’s their new free vacation house. I think you two should figure out exactly how many visitors (if any) you’ll allow per year, and have a firm plan in place going forward.

Post # 13
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee

The IL need to know that your home is not a B&B that they are free to use whenever they feel like a holiday. You need to establish this now or for the future you are going to have all kinds of ” We are coming out for a holiday and will be there from X date to X date. Looking forward to staying with you and catching up.”

Lay the rules for how you mean to continue down now. “The time before and after the wedding we will cetainly be needing our privacy and thus will not be hosting. I’m sure there will be times in the future when it will be convenient for us to extend an invitation for you to come and stay for a period but that will be dependent on our schedules and if it works for all of us. Here are some recommendations for places near by that are taking bookings. Really looking forward to seeing you guys.”

Post # 14
Member
3050 posts
Sugar bee

Hard no from me.

You’re not a Hilton or a Marriott.  And your in-laws don’t get to invite themselves to stay with you, let alone to stay with you during a stressful time (right before the wedding) or for such an extended time period.  Next thing you know, you’ll be expected to run a BnB for his extended family!

Plus, you’re using the in-law suite as a rental property.  You didn’t buy this particular house in order to play hostess to your families.  

Time for your fiance to tell them, “That won’t work for us; we will not be hosting guests at that time.”  Don’t justify, argue, defend or explain.  

Post # 15
Member
7810 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Assuming they can stay during your wedding? And for weeks? And invite others? Nope, nope, nope.

You and your Fi need to get on the same page and present a united front that while you’d love to host them in the future the weeks surrounding the wedding will just be too hectic. Don’t mention the rental income–they may offer to rent from you. Good luck, Bee. 

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