Post # 1
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
My FH and I were supposed to get married this year, but postponed to next year with everything going on. Due to the pandemic, resulting in us working from home, we’ve realized that living in the city isn’t as fulfilling as it was previously, and with our postponement, we were fortunate enough to be able to start the home buying process in the town where my family lives/where I grew up. This is also the town we’re getting married in – a nice little beach town in CA. FH’s family has made numerous comments to me (with FH not around) about how my family is so lucky that we’re getting married where they live because they don’t have to travel/pay for lodging. They’ve also complained to me about the cost of lodging in the town (they are not struggling financially by any means – just cheap in certain instances, but willing to spend plenty in other areas).
We’ve officially closed on a home and are super excited – a cute 3BD/2BA with a studio in-law suite. Although this place was on the high end of our budget, we considered it to be worth it since we plan to AirBnB/rent the studio.
When FH told his parents that we had put in an offer on this place, there was really no excitement for us buying a place. Their response was “oh that’s awesome, we’ll cancel our AirBnB and save a ton of money”. FH’s brother had the same response. FH didn’t tell them no at the time, as this is very standard behavior for his family, so I think he’s used to it. Also, I think he does feel obligated to open up our home to his family, but I don’t think he’s thinking through the logistics/impact on us.
Although I was upset, I’ve held off on addressing it, as I wanted some time to think about it on my own before bringing it up in conversation. However, my father and my future Father-In-Law were texting recently, and future Father-In-Law again noted in a text “excited for next year now that we don’t have to spend all that money on an AirBnB. Going to extend our trip from a week to a few weeks and make a nice long vacation out of it now that we have a place to stay”. The extended trip was never mentioned to FH and never run by us, so I found that out through my parents.
I guess I’m upset for numerous reasons:
- Although we may have reached a decision later on to offer FH’s parents/sibling a place to stay, their immediate assumption without even asking is very frustrating. If we do let them stay, it should be seen as a nice jesture – not something we’re obligated to do
- If they do stay with us, I would feel like we need to move into the studio since there’s only two of us and four of them (parents/sibling/sibling’s significant other).
- They’ve hinted at extending the invite to other family members since there’s the in-law suite, an extra bedroom, and couch space. Soooo…where are we staying? That’s great that they can save so much money not paying for an AirBnB, but then we’re kicked out of our home AND have to pay for lodging for ourselves??
- As much as we’ve planned in advance, I’m sure the lead-up to the wedding is going to be stressful. I’d like to be able to come home and decompress in peace.
- On the same note, I’d like to be able to spend alone time with FH after our wedding rather than feeling like we need to play host.
- Knowing them, if they stay at the house, that will be the meeting point/hangout for all of his extended family throughout the week of the wedding. Again, I don’t want to host his immediate family, so I definitely don’t want to play host to 15-20 other people throughout the week.
- On top of the wedding-related items, prepping for their stay (which I’d feel obligated to do), is not something I want to worry about. Deep cleaning, stocking the fridge, getting a beach pass for them, etc. etc.
- Every night they stay is a night that we don’t collect rental income on the property. They know this place was on the higher end of our budget, but we were comfortable with that because of the extra income. The peak season is really only 4-5 months long, so for them to take up a few weeks of that is extremely selfish and impacts our finances.
- I know I’ll get yelled at for this bulletpoint, but I can’t help but feel this way, so adding it anways. My parents have always been very helpful/generous in all of our life events (offering to help with our wedding, offering to help with a down payment for our new home, helping with the down payment of the home we currently live in, my dad contributes his handy-man skills all the time and teaches FH the ropes so that he can learn for future projects, etc.). Even though we like to do things independently and often times pass up on their offers, we always appreciate it and they never ask for anything from us. It makes it much easier to feel good about doing nice things for them (taking them out to dinner, getting them nice gifts, etc.). However, his family has never offered to help with anything (financially or just with other things – moving, etc.). So I can’t help but feel that they’re really taking advantage of us.
I know it’s a long post, but looking for any advice/thoughts. Am I being irrational? How should I proceed?
Post # 2
Member
13713 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Your fiance should just tell them that you are happy to host them at some other time but it won’t be possible the week of the wedding with so much going on. Period.
Post # 3
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
“They’ve hinted at extending the invite to other family members since there’s the in-law suite, an extra bedroom, and couch space. Soooo…where are we staying? That’s great that they can save so much money not paying for an AirBnB, but then we’re kicked out of our home AND have to pay for lodging for ourselves??”
Bee I am as nice as they come and absolutely suffer from being too much a people-pleaser at the best of times, but you are letting these people walk all over you. Are you forgetting that you and your FH have a say in this??
Post # 4
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
Wow… that’s a lot! And I don’t blame you one bit. Sounds like you’re not entirely sure of where you want to land on this issue so you need to sit down with your Fiance ASAP and come to a consensus before this whole thing spirals completely out of control.
Then he needs to be the one that communicates what will happen and how much you both are willing to acccomodate (or not) his family.
Post # 5
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
Every point you listed is 100% valid! Have a conversation with Fiance and advise him to speak with them about staying another time instead of for your wedding.
Post # 6
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
@anon987654321: I hosted my brother and his family (wife/2 kids) the week leading up to my wedding. It was their first time in CA so we did all the typical stuff, Disneyland, Rodeo Drive, Santa Monica Piet, Loya of dinner downtown…..it was stressful, the week before is so crazy, but it was MY choice! I would discuss this was your fiancé, if you guys decide to allow them to stay DO NOT give up your home, they can stay in the in suite, put your foot down on other people though!
Post # 7
Hostess
4738 posts
Honey bee
@anon987654321: Sounds like our families are similar, I sympathize. You and your F.H. have to be on the same page, or you’re going to end up hosting his entire family for a month. That sounds unreasonable and unpleasant to do even when it’s *not* your wedding week, so this would be something I would 100% bring up to your F.H. asap. I don’t think you’re being irrational at all. I would have a heart to heart with your F.H., lay out all of your concerns, and see what he says. Hopefully he’ll be the one to reach out to them and let them know that they shouldn’t cancel their Airbnb! If your husband is a “you’re always welcome!” kind of guy like mine is, recommend also addressing how to handle people visiting in the future so that next time he can say something like “let me check with mine and anon987654321’s schedule and get back to you” vs. having to deal with the stress of trying to backtrack.
Post # 8
Member
2635 posts
Sugar bee
I agree with you on all these points. Why would anyone think it’s ok to stay with the couple that is getting married, during the wedding? No, just no!
You’re going to have to set the boundaries now. The quicker, the better. Because what you may not realize is, that studio suite of yours on the beach? Uh, yeah. Guaranteed they’re already daydreaming about all the times they’re going to get to stay there. Studio Suite = Rental Income, NOT free vacay pad whenever any family feels like it. I feel like this is going to be the bigger issue going down the road.
Post # 9
Member
2213 posts
Buzzing bee
@beantime: I agree with this. Before any plans are made, you two need to come to an agreement.
Your fiance should have immediately said, “Hold up with the planning; I need to talk to my future wife first. We will let you know if we will be able to accommodate you for the wedding weekend.”
That should still be his take: “Dad, I know you mentioned to my future father-in-law about staying a few weeks. Please don’t set any plans in stone yet. This will be our wedding time, and future wife and I may want more privacy.”
You are both being walked all over. His family sounds over the top and entitled, and I wouldn’t want to spend my wedding night with family members nearby while I was having loud, passionate, wedding night sex with my husband, not even if they were in the in-law suite. Absolutely not. (I know that’s a bit over the top, but are you seeing how ridiculous that is?)
Add in your lost rental income during peak season? This is a no-go. You’re relying on that money to pay your mortgage.
“No” is a complete sentence. “We haven’t decided if we will be having family stay at our home” is a complete answer. Time for you and your future husband to grow a spine. You and your marriage come first, always.
Post # 10
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
I would not be okay with any of that. Your decision to buy that particular home was based on the fact that one area would be used to produce money. Money you won’t be getting if your in-laws move in and stay for weeks on end. It is also insanely inconsiderate of them to impose themselves on you guys without taking into account that you guys might want to enjoy your new life together without them in the way.
Personally I would tell them that they can’t stay. First, to make the point that no one gets to make that choice without discussing it with, you know, the homeowners. And also to establish that your home is not going to become a headquarters for everyone for endless visits every time they come into town
Post # 11
Member
2193 posts
Buzzing bee
@anon987654321:
That would be a hard no from me. Weddings are stressful for the bride and groom. His family is being very inconsiderate. Your home turning into the hangout point for his family is not appropriate at all, considering the occasion–your wedding! I would let your fi handle the conversation with them but if it were me, I would insist that they stick with the Airbnb and that everyone understand that you guys won’t be hosting anything at all.
Post # 12
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
Yeah, I think you and your husband are going to have to figure out some ground rules for the studio. Because having a room on the beach will likely turn into lots of friends and family thinking it’s their new free vacation house. I think you two should figure out exactly how many visitors (if any) you’ll allow per year, and have a firm plan in place going forward.
Post # 13
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
The IL need to know that your home is not a B&B that they are free to use whenever they feel like a holiday. You need to establish this now or for the future you are going to have all kinds of ” We are coming out for a holiday and will be there from X date to X date. Looking forward to staying with you and catching up.”
Lay the rules for how you mean to continue down now. “The time before and after the wedding we will cetainly be needing our privacy and thus will not be hosting. I’m sure there will be times in the future when it will be convenient for us to extend an invitation for you to come and stay for a period but that will be dependent on our schedules and if it works for all of us. Here are some recommendations for places near by that are taking bookings. Really looking forward to seeing you guys.”
Post # 14
Member
3050 posts
Sugar bee
Hard no from me.
You’re not a Hilton or a Marriott. And your in-laws don’t get to invite themselves to stay with you, let alone to stay with you during a stressful time (right before the wedding) or for such an extended time period. Next thing you know, you’ll be expected to run a BnB for his extended family!
Plus, you’re using the in-law suite as a rental property. You didn’t buy this particular house in order to play hostess to your families.
Time for your fiance to tell them, “That won’t work for us; we will not be hosting guests at that time.” Don’t justify, argue, defend or explain.
Post # 15
Member
7810 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Assuming they can stay during your wedding? And for weeks? And invite others? Nope, nope, nope.
You and your Fi need to get on the same page and present a united front that while you’d love to host them in the future the weeks surrounding the wedding will just be too hectic. Don’t mention the rental income–they may offer to rent from you. Good luck, Bee.