In-laws went crazy after baby!? Advice

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
5 posts
Newbee

My ex-husband never stood up for me. It drove a huge wedge between us, and when I would see strong men standing up for their women I yearned for that type of protection even more. It made me realize how I should be treated and protected and no matter how much I begged, he refused to stand up for me. Think of it this way: how would he feel if he were in your shoes? What if your mother or father was disrespectful to him? Wouldnt he be upset and feel like “less of a man”? I think we do our partners injustice by letting people demean or disrespect them. We are supposed to love and care about our spouses like they’re apart of us. Any disrespect should be taken as a personal attack because they are attcking the other half of yourself in a way. You need to make him realize that it is YOU who will be by his side until he dies-not his parents!!!!

 

But if he doesn’t care-that truly shows you the character of a man. A man should want to uphold his woman’s dignity and pride! Especially being the mother of his children. Cowardice is one of the ugliest characteristics in a man! It leads to so many other issues; lack of communication, lack of respect, lack of drive/motivation, lack of protection. 

Post # 17
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

jnedwards120 :  This!!!! My ex husband rarely stood up for me or was even willing to get on the same page as me. It drove an enormous wedge between us. The fact that his parents wete allowed by him to treat me with disrespect lead to major ramifications in the marriage. I would never have let my family walk all over him, and I never would have expected him to talk to MY family if the roles had been reversed. He needs to grow a pair and stand up for the woman he chose to put before all others. In the mean time, cut off contact. 

Post # 18
Member
6231 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Hey OP- it sounds like your husband is kind of a punk and THAT is your issue- he’s not backing you up. I agree with those saying to take some space. For the time being, you and the baby aren’t available to see them until they can be respectful of you (as her mother) and your boundaries. They don’t need to agree with your boundaries; they do need to heed them. Be aware, though, your husband sounds like the type to take the baby to see them behind your back- because someone cried and he caved. ;).

I don’t think you need to call them out- yet. You need to have some agreements with your husband in place that he is able to stick to. It also may be that he thinks some of your rules about the baby are too extreme (that was the case with my husband at times and, looking back, some of them were, but since that baby came out of my body and I was the one caring for him every day and night, my stance was generally- I set the rules, you respect them or fuck right off). You need to get on the same page as him and he needs to hold your collective agreements with his parents.

Also- that passive aggressive/ punk behavior clearly didn’t start with your husband- You said your Father-In-Law walked into a room and then walked out again, blatantly ignoring your presence and greeting; you might be dealing with some strong and established family dynamics. If that is the case, you aren’t likely to change any of these people. So you need to have a healthy way of dealing with it for yourself and start figuring out which things are minor skirmishes and which things represent firm boundaries that they need to know not to cross.

Last thing- the next time you tell your Mother-In-Law something to her face about your baby and she looks you dead in the eye and deliberately does the opposite (which is so childish- is she a toddler?), then you need to smile, say “Okay. Time’s up!” and take your baby from her and leave that space (like you do with toddlers). They will eventually get it that this is NOT a power struggle. You are in charge and they need to respect what you say when it comes to your child.

Post # 19
Member
2983 posts
Sugar bee

Oh hells nah. They wouldn’t be seeing the baby. We have a family member who doesn’t respect boundaries, even without seeing the baby. My husband didn’t want to deal with it and I said “If I do, there will be no question or room for interpretation.” 

Said family member still hasn’t seen the baby, even with the guilt tripping of other family. Sorry, not sorry. This is my baby. Respect the rules, or don’t. But don’t get pissy with me when I enforce them. My priority first and foremost is my baby, not some adult uncle’s feelings of entitlement. 

Also, tell your husband to grow a pair of balls. 

Post # 20
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

You can absolutely cut contact.  However your husband not backing you up is a bigger problem.  A PP suggested DWIL and I second that; the other place you might find some help is on the Reddit sub r/JUSTNOMIL.  If you don’t cut contact, you need to enforce consequences to your boundaries – if she kisses your baby again, immediately take the baby back and leave (or say to them “this visit is over” and usher them out, if they’re at your house).  Also ask your husband why his parents feelings are more important than yours, the mother of his child.

Post # 21
Hostess
3167 posts
Sugar bee

This will never change until your husband grows a pair. You can get upset, you can cut contact, but he will continue to undermine you, as he’s been doing along. He is permitting this behavior, and he is where the problem starts. I’ll third or 4th the recommendation you check out DWIL. If you don’t take any other advice here, please do that.

Post # 22
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020 - Windermere, Cumbria

OP, get yourself over to reddit.com/justnoMIL

Post # 24
Member
7038 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds to me like your husband needs to grow a pair and stand up to his parents. He has to have your back or it will never work. First step for me would be cutting contact with the ILs. Show them you’re serious that it’s your rules or nothing.

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