(Closed) In LDR, engaged but FI still living with parents…at nearly 44

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

It sounds like for whatever reason his parents are just fine with him staying there. Maybe he’s still their “baby boy”. It also sounds like he has no reason to make changes. You are there for him, his parents are mostly supporting him. He has it all.. and basically for free.

Not to sound like a jerk but I understand why your feelings are changing. It’s hard to respect a man who is relying on everyone else to live. I personally would also find it a turn off. 

Don’t stay in a relationship just because you’re scared you won’t find another. That’s crazy talk! Frankly I’d cut and run. It doesn’t seem like this is an issue of him needing time, being that he’s 44. A 44 year old man should be embarrassed to need a roommate when he’s living with his Fiance anyway unless there are VERY extenuating circumstances. It sounds like he’s just never going to stand on his own.

Post # 4
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee

 This sounds like a situation you should run far away from, unless you are completely OK with things never changing. I think you deserve better than this.

Post # 5
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

View original reply
Boomerang:  So he’s been living with his parents for years and hasn’t paid down any debts? What’s up with that? He also decides it’s a good time to take a 6 month leave of absence? If you’re looking for security and stability this situation doesn’t sound great. I’d tell him enough already and he either moves (and finds a job and contributes) or see ya later.

Post # 7
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

View original reply
Boomerang:  “So basically, his priorities are skewed. He wants the grown up life, he doesn’t want to have to pay for it”

Sounds like you just summed up the whole problem.

Post # 9
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2016

View original reply
Boomerang:  It sounds like you have waited long enough. I don’t think he has his priorities straight. I would not stay in this relationship. I know you say you will never find someone else, but that’s ridiculous, I can’t tell you the number of people that I know who met their soul mate after 45. 

Post # 10
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Good luck with whatever you decide to do though, sending love your way!

Post # 11
Member
13649 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Being afraid to be alone is not a good reason to end up with someone as irresponsible and unmotivated as this guy. I’d rather live alone or with roommates for the rest of my life. 

Post # 12
Member
953 posts
Busy bee

That’s a pretty long time to get on your feet. 

I think he is just too comfortable the way things are. I think he likes the free ride, he wants to spend his money without a care for his own needs since his roof is paid for. I don’t think even if he found a job in your area that he would move.  That would mean bills, having to explain his expenditures, having to be responsible for two people when he can’t even be responsible for himself. 

Otherwise what would prevent him from already moving in with you? You afford your rent  and living on your own, him moving in would only really increase your food and electricity by a bit. So basically any job he had and contributed would increase your living standards…but he doesn’t want to contribute to that. 

I’d let the relationship go. 

Post # 13
Member
9520 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Generally it bothers me when bees jump to ending the relationship. This time I am one of them, sorry. It is better to cut your losses now than continue in a completely unbalanced relationship. 

 

People find love at every age and circumstance. This man needs a very swift kick in the arse, but your support and his parents let him rest on his laurels. Sorry bee, move on to better. You will thank yourself and be so much happier in the long run. 

Post # 14
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

It doesn’t sound like he wants to move forward with the realtionship.  His parents aren’t to blame for him not moving out, they’re just giving him an excuse to stay.  Do you really want his parents to kick him out and he comes and lives with you because he has no where else to go? or do you want him to come live with you because he wants to and he loves you? 

Why would he want to move out?  He’s getting everything he wants.  He’s around the corner from work, he’s living low/no rent (supposedly temporaily) to pay down debt (which he hasn’t done and on top of that he’s taking a trip to the USA that he can’t afford), and you’re, more or less, accepting his behaviour.  If you try to object to his inaction he makes the lame excuse (and that’s what it is) that’s he doesn’t have a steady job in your area.  If you really want to be with someone you are willing to make sacrifices .  Like taking a job that’s less money.  I don’t think he’d notice making less money as much because he’s living expenses would be so much lower (compared to living on his own in his current location).  The money is another excuse not to move.

This man is not treating you with the love and respect you deserve.  You’re not a priority in his life.  I think you’re in a dead end realtionship.  Others can only treat you like crap if you let them.  IMO he’s had more than enough time to work on his $$ situation.  You need to give him an ultimatum.  He commits to moving in with you by XX date (don’t give him anymore than 2-3 months, no excuses!) or you’re ending the realtionship.  Tell him you’ve spent too much time waiting as it is.  And if he’s not willing to take things between you two to the next level then you will find someone who does. I know that your self-worth is low because of your disability.  But I don’t believe for a moment that you can’t find someone else.  In my experience, being in a bad realtionship where the others person doesn’t seem to be willing to give me what I need/want – can also effect my self-esteem.  I start thinking “What’s wrong with me?” maybe if I do this or that he’ll give me what I want/need.  When the truth is there was nothing wrong with me I was just with the wrong person.  He didn’t love me enough.  It was a hard thing to face but true.

I’m not trying to be hard on you.  I completely understand how this situation can happen.  But you’re worth so much more than this.  Sometimes when I focused too much on trying to make a realtionship work…I closed myself off to the other possiblities. 

Post # 15
Member
25 posts
Newbee

Hi, the fact that he’s 44 and still living with pareants and you are in an LDR was enough reason for me to suggest that you move on.

45 is not middle aged in my opinion, and who cares if it is.  People find love at all ages.  You need to take care of YOU more.  Good luck to you!!!  

Hugs <3

 

 

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