- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 1969
I’m a regular poster here, for over 3 years, but I’m so embrassed by this situation that I’ve gone anon.
I’ve been in a relationship with my Fiance for nearly 6 years, we’ve been engaged for nearly 5. I’m 45, he’s 44. We moved in together (with another flatmate) after 6 months together, I had to move 200 miles away to another city. That year was a nightmare, mainly because of said flatmate. The flatmate couldn’t afford their share of the rent, so we had to leave the flat. We lost the deposit, and both of us were in a lot of debt. There was no way we could get another flat together, so Fiance moved back in with his parents, my ex H let me stay with him for 6 months, in my previous home city. I did temp work, and then took a flat on a 6 month lease, with the understanding that Fiance would clear his debts and find a job in my city…which is far cheaper to live in than his. His city is the most expensive in the country!
Well, it’s 4 years later and none of this has happened. FI is still living with his parents, his debt hasn’t gone down. He took a 6 month sabbatical from his job a couple of years ago, with the intention of finding work in my city. He could find equivalent work, but earning about 10K less a year. After a couple of months his bank was writing to him telling him that if his income level didn’t go back to the usual, they would be calling in his overdraft…which is about 4K. So less after less than 3 months he had to cancel the sabbatical and was back at his parents…
I have severe health issues and am registered disabled, so take short term government contracts when I can. When I’m ill, I rely on my disability benefits. FI visits on average twice a month, usually for a few days at a time…he’s a mental health nurse, so he works long shifts in short periods. All his personal possessions (books, furniture, computer, television, etc) are in my flat, as there is no room for them at his parents and prior to me getting this flat he was paying large storage fees. He transfers £100 a month to my bank account as a token payment ‘for storage’ and to also pay for any electricity etc he uses whilst here. I’m not going to lie, that money comes in very handy when I’m not working.
But I’m getting very tired with the whole situation. I feel like our relationship is completely stalled. It was bought home to me this week when a couple that got together after us, got married. I know at least 3 couples who are either living together or married who met after we did… FI also doesn’t understand why I don’t want to go and stay at his parents that often. Their bedroom is really close to ‘his’ bedroom and I just feel very awkward with it all…I’ve made it clear that he can forget and sort of sex happening on the rare occasions I do stay!
I also can’t understand his parents position…why aren’t they putting at time limit on him staying? It’s not like they need him there to care for them – they are both in their early 60s, both still working full time and in very good health. The mortgage is paid off, so they don’t need the £100 a month he gives them for ‘board’. His work is literally around the corner from where they live, and I feel like the whole situation is giving him no motivation to move out. He gets to see me regularly, has a well paid job, very low outgoings.
But my feelings for him are beginning to be affected. I still love him, but I feel like he just doesn’t want to be with me enough, or he’d make it happen. I’ve told him this, but he assures me that that’s not the case. Whenever I bring the situation up, I get the fact that I don’t have a permanent job as a reason, the fact if he moves here he’d lose a lot of money…but as I tell him, even if I moved back to his city and got a job straight away, we would struggle to afford the rent and everything else on our own. If he would pay off his overdraft, save some money, he could then move here and work. My rent is a quarter of what we would pay for the equivalent in his city. I’ve even suggested that we see each over only once a month and he can use the money he would save to go towards paying his overdraft.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I’ve even told him that all his talk about the future, all his reassurances are meaningless, it’s actions that count. I feel like that if I ended this relationship, I’d never find another one. I’m an overweight middle aged woman with health problems.