(Closed) in lieu of favors…

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Honestly, just make whatever donations you want to and skip favors. 

Post # 3
Member
9091 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Kaymar:  This. Donate because you want to donate. Saying you donated defeats the purpose.

Donate, no favors. No one needs an explaination.

Post # 4
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Kaymar:  i agree. you dont need to give a reason why you didnt give our favors. people should come to the wedding for you, not the favors heh. But! that being said, you should have their photos in some nice frames and maybe you could put some cancer information there for people to see

and maybe make their own donations, but I would not put anything there asking for it, just the information about the different cancers. 

Post # 5
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

While I believe that donations in memory of your father is very sweet, I wouldn’t do them as ‘favors’. That sounds more alongs the lines of ‘Look!! We are ~such~ good people!!” I’d donate without making a statement at a social gathering. And favors are totally optional. Many brides today skip them because they are usually tacky, unnecessary, & no one wants or uses them.

Post # 6
Member
47261 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

KB87:  It is absolutely fine for you to skip favors for your guests and instead make a donation with the funds. Favors are not necessary in most regions and cultures.

The problem occurs when you display a sign or otherwise inform your guests that you have made the donation. It can come across like you are looking for a pat on the back for what good people you are. We don’t usually publicize our donations, why choose to do it at your wedding?

Make the donation and do not offer any explanation regarding the lack of favors.

Are you having a memorial table where you will display pictures of your fathers? You could display some handouts on cancer there.

 

Post # 7
Member
8966 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

KB87:  I agree with everyone else. Give your donation without making it about your wedding, and don’t worry about favors. Nobody needs a favor and nobody will miss one, but it comes across weird to say “as a favor to you, I’m giving money to someone else.” Of course it’s not just anyone else, it’s a meaningful charity, but you giving them money is not a favor to your guests and it can seem braggy. Just donate without telling everyone about it like you usually do.

Post # 8
Member
7434 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You can always ask your guests to donate in lieu of gifts.

Post # 9
Member
12531 posts
Honey Beekeeper

According to Miss Manners, no matter how altruistic the motive, it is never charming to point out to your guests that you considered giving them a little gift, but decided not to!

Your charitable donations should have nothing to do with the idea of favors for your guests, which are neither necessary or expected.  

Post # 11
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

I think it is a lovely idea, maybe add faverite photos of both dads with the sign. What a great way to include both of your fathers in the wedding who have sadly passed.I think the guests would apprecitate knowing ecpecially the family members who knew them. 

Post # 12
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t say in lieu of favors. Just donate and have it on a table. Don’t say “we thought about getting you a gift, but decided to give something to someone else!”

Post # 13
Member
9034 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

KB87:  Well then why not skip the wedding flowers/decor and donate that money to charity? Or the car/dress/suit/something else that only really affects the bride and groom? Now that would be something I would like to see as a guest.

Favours are never required but pointing out that someone isn’t getting something is not polite.

Have a table with a candle and their photos or carry a charm on your bouquet with their photos in it or each of you carry something of theirs on your person. There are plenty of options to pay respects to your dads.

 

Post # 14
Member
7434 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

KB87:  which you could also do in lieu of gifts. Favors are something for the guests’ benefit/enjoyment, and when you make a donation with money you’d otherwise spend on favors, you’re  basically saying “look at this great thing I did by taking something nice away from you!!”   A much more powerful statement is when you give up something that’s for your benefit. Personally I’m still not a fan of such a public display — charitable donations should be made because it’s the right thing to do, not for attention— but if you’re going to make a public display, making your own sacrifice rather than making someone else’s sacrifice seems much more genuine!

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by  Horseradish.
Post # 15
Member
1624 posts
Bumble bee

Horseradish:  I completely agree. OP, would you be charmed and touched if all your guests did the same to you? “In lieu of a wedding gift to Mr and Mrs KB87, I have donated to my son’s school, as he couldn’t be here to celebrate today.” Your guests could say, “I’ve never really cared for wedding gifts, and half the time I forget to give them, so this is so much of a better option!”

Skip the favors, make the donation, but make no mention of either at your wedding. No one will care, except the Cancer Society. 

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