(Closed) In love with fiance's friend (kinda long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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@bohemianbride:  you guys need to talk about postponing more, because its not just up to him. I am all about keeping things stress free, if a smaller wedding would make you happier then you should let your fi know that because its ultimately a choice both of you have to make.

Post # 64
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

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@BeachBride2014:  Agreed!!!

When other guys are more appealing than your Fiance that means that he is not doing something that you would love to have while the other guy is. It could be something as simple as compliments.

Put your grieviences on the table if this is your situation. Maybe the other guy gives you a sense of relaxation, something you need in this stressful time. But if your Fiance offered what this other guy appears to be offering would you still be interested in his friend?

Post # 65
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@bohemianbride:  That’s tough.  On one hand, this coud just be pre-wedding jitters.  You and your Fiance have been fighting a lot and a new, different relationship can be very attractive.  So no matter who the other guy was, you might be having these feelings.  Do you think that could be the case?  If a different old crush came back and said he loved you, do you think you’d be feeling so unsure?

On the other hand, you could really be in love with your FI’s friend.  In which case you have to decide whom you love more and whom you want to spend the rest of your life with.  It’s not an easy choice, but once you’ve made it, you need to stick with it.

I think it’s very important that you take some time and really think about your feelings.  New relationships are fun and exciting and there’s that curiosity that can be hard to ignore.  BUT, you have to remember that there will ALWAYS be other people you are attracted to and other people who are attracted to you.  This won’t be the last test of your relationship.  You have to learn to ignore those other feelings.

Are you in love with your FI?  Could you possibly see a happy life with him?  You can love someone without being in love with them.  I was once very serious with a guy.  He was wonderful and would have made a perfect husband.  But after a while, I realized that I wasn’t in love with him and the life that we would have had just wasn’t I wanted.  Don’t stay with someone that you should love, stay with someone that you do.

Post # 66
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Well questions, How old are you? How long have you been engaged? You said the other guy has a daughter – so is the daughter from his former finance, or was she yet another serious relationship that didn’t pan out? Are you ready to be a STEP-MOM? 

 

Post # 70
Member
1879 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You’re having pre-wedding jitters and stress and fixating on something else. Stop talking to this guy, get married, and if you still have feelings for the friend, confess to your fiance and cut the friend out of your lives. If you’re not willing to cut him out to save your relationship though, you should probably cancel the wedding.

Post # 71
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This is not ok. You either need to call off the wedding until you have completely examined your feelings and can 100% commit to your Fiance and not let anyone get in the way no matter what, or you need to dump him. It’s not fair if he’s 100% committed to you while you harbor feelings for someone else.

Post # 72
Member
694 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I have several thoughts here:

First, it’s easy to get sucked into the whole “big happy family” thing when you see a guy with his kid, particularly with his daughter, while shopping for dresses. How did he react when his daughter made the marriage comments? Do you think he’s mentioned his feelings about you to her? Because those comments don’t usually come out of nowhere. And if so, that’s pretty shady. 

Second, how do you really feel about him? Do you want to spend time with him? Have sex? Have kids? Now, do you have any or all these feelings for your FI? 

Third, I call bullshit on him wanting you ever since he met you. You said he had a girlfriend. Why wouldn’t he have ended that relationship and pursued you then? 

Fourth, do you feel that your Fiance is sort of a consolation prize for not getting his friend in the beginning.  Obviously, you must have deeper feelings now, but is that how things started? 

Fifth, based on some things you shared about your Fiance (stomping out of the menu meeting for one), do you think he’s really into this relationship/wedding/marriage? Is it possible that you are both going through the motions? Maybe he knows his friend likes you and that you like him back, but isn’t going to rock the boat.

Personally, I think you are with the person you are probably supposed to be with, and this is just a last minute temptation thing. But only you know for sure. 

Post # 73
Member
4377 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

no one can tell you what the right decision will be for you, but I can say that when you and Fiance are fighting it’s really easy to find others appealing. I know you said these feelings are off and on, what makes them go away? Do you notice you like him more when Fiance is distracted or not putting as much into te relationship as you’d like? Would you even be thinking these things ihit your friends feelings hadn’t been confirmed? You do have to make a choice, think about why you wanted to marry your Fiance. It can’t be just because this other guy was unavailable. The reasons you love him are still prevalent. Try to focus on what makes your Fiance so great, even though e may not beig great right now. my advice to you would be talk to Fiance about the way he has been dismissing your concerns, talk about everything he normally refuses to talk about (including CHILDREN! that’s huge!) then stake a few days, do NOT hang out with friend or talk to anyone who knows him about it, think about how you feel tab out both men then decide. Good luck girl! 

Post # 74
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

If you have thoughts of another man like you do, are you REALLY in love with your fiance? I say call off the wedding or at least talk about this to the other guy. Get some closure before you say “I do”…you want to go down the aisle with a clear conscience or don’t go down the aisle at all…

Post # 75
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

You need to separate your feelings for Fiance from your feelings for this other guy. There are two separate questions here:

1: Do you love Fiance and want to marry him?

2: Do you love the other man and want to be with him (and does he want to be with you)?

You need to deal with 1 before you can even think about 2. And 2 should not influence your decision about 1!

Forget all about the other guy for now. Pretend he doesn’t exist, don’t allow him to influence your decision. And ask yourself honestly: Do you love Fiance and want to marry him? If the answer is yes, forget about the other guy. If the answer is no, end the relationship… then later you can consider your feelings for the other guy.

Post # 76
Member
4302 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Cancel Cance Cancel.  JAYSUS.  You’re talking about people’s LIVES here.  PS I love you was only cute in the movies.

I know, why don’t you try having an honest conversation with your Fiance and let him decide if he wants to move forward with the wedding.  I could understand if this was like a recent thing, but you been digging this dude for YEARS?  Not cool.

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