(Closed) In love with fiance's friend (kinda long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

All I have to say about this is…

 

LIFE IS NOT A MOVIE.

 

 

Post # 79
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

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@bohemianbride:  I would be DEVASTAED to find out that BF had mutual feelings for my best friend, let alone if I found out while being engaged.   If I found this out before or shortly after our wedding, it would destroy me.  

 

 

 

And by the way, I can certainly sympathize that you don’t want to hurt either of them or ruin their friendship, but it kind of sounds like that’s going to be inevitable.  You owe it to your Fiance to be honest with him now and let him decide what he wants to do.  If he still wants to marry you, that’s on him.  

 

Post # 80
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I would suggest if possible to go and talk to a counsellor about this. 

Post # 81
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

It takes maturity to realize that you won’t have butterflies and the honey moon phase for your entire relationship. You’re not in love with this other man. If you want to replace the long term love and comfort of a marriage for the excitement of a new romance, that’s fine. But, as time goes by you’d find you feel like you do right now; things get predictable and not as exciting, and you fight about stupid things. There are thousands of people we could be with and have long, happy relationships with. That’s why we vow to “forsake all others” when we marry. 

Post # 82
Member
46 posts
Newbee

I would cancel the wedding if at all possible. It’s just not fair or right to let both of you go into your wedding day with one of you secretly harboring feelings or what seems like feelings for another person! Your wedding day is about celebrating the love you have for each other and the lifetime journey you are about to begin together. There is no room for feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment when you are facing the man in your life and about to commit yourself to him forever. If you go through with it with the feelings you have now, you would be living a lie and that is just not acceptable to either yourself or your fiance.

Post # 83
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@bohemianbride:  It’s fine to have feelings.  And sometimes they do end up being the real thing.  I am also marrying a man who I was introduced to by my ex.  We didn’t get together until after my ex and I divorced after only 1 year of marriage so trust me I get it.

But the real key is to find out what specifically do you love about your FI’s friend?  Is it how wonderful he is as a father to his daughter?  Is it how much you two have in common and how easily you communicate?  Is it how you have seen him live his life and his principles and values as well as how respectfully he treats you and other women you’ve seen him with?  Is he a hard worker but also knows how to make you laugh without trying? 

I’m trying to tease out the details because often times we can get caught up in how sexy or attractive a man is and end up focusing so much on “electricity” or “chemistry” that we lose sight of the things that actually make for a good husband and life partner.  I almost fell for someone when I was in a daze after a breakup.  And he meant me no good but just wanted to play games.  I’m soooo glad I didn’t mess this up by choosing to go in that direction.  Just be sure you are clear about which of the “5 love languages” appeals to you with this man before you put a stop to your engagement.  Because chances are if you’re wrong you won’t get a second chance.

Post # 84
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@lightmist:  thats exactly what i was going for. and 99% of the time my response to these treads is simply “shut it down”.

 

 

Post # 85
Member
1483 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@bohemianbride:  read just your first paragraph and imagine your Fiance confessing that. I think you need to let your Fiance go, or let him know you have these feelings so he can decide if he still wants to marry YOU. 

Also, what do you love about this friend? Are your feelings between the two truly equal or do you love certain very important things about the friend more than your FI?

Post # 86
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

Personally, I could never go through with everyday life – much less a wedding – if I had feelings for someone other than my SO. You need to take time and just think about why you think you love this friend, and ask yourself if he’s worth giving up your Fiance. Don’t let anyone influence your decision; it’s way too important for that. Good luck.

Post # 87
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@bohemianbride:  I may be wrong, but until his daughter and your co-worker mentioned those things to you, your thoughts about him were kind of on backburner right? 

Honestly I’d let it go. You may both have feelings for each other but you don’t KNOW HOW YOU’LL WORK IN A RELATIONSHIP (Sorry I’m not screaming at you I just want you to think about this and what’s at stake!)

Post # 88
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 1993

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@bohemianbride:  If you are having significant thoughts about another man SIX WEEKS before your wedding…and this man will continue to be in your life AFTER the wedding as a friend/coworker…you need to postpone your wedding and be prepared for the consequences (fiance breaks it off permanently, new guy sees you in a negative light after breaking his friends’ heart, etc. etc….)  If you go through with it and this friend is still in your life, I see serious heartache in all of your futures.

Post # 89
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

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@Chicagochic:  Exactly this. I think that this is a grass-is-greener thing.

But I do think that you need to talk to your fiance about the whole big wedding thing- it sounds like it’s really causing you both a lot of stress! Good luck! x

 

Post # 90
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@visorgirl:  Huh? I think you’re mixing me up with another bee.. I’m already married 😉

Post # 91
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Don’t go into this with a lie. You should have been honest with your feelings to yourself and your man before you got yourself into this mess. Be a grown woman and have a serious talk with the guy you have a “crush” more over obseestion with. Ask him frankly about the rumors of him having feelings for you to put it to bed. I’m sure you are in your head too much and thinking hes giving you longing looks but hes not. I think you are fighting with your fiance alot on purpose so he will leave you and there is no blood on your hands. Or he knows you have feelings for his friend. Either way, you are not being very kind to either of them. You are actually being very self centered. 

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