(Closed) In love with fiance's friend (kinda long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 107
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@bohemianbride:  maybe someone already said this, I read a lot of the responses, but not all. Could you go to some individual counselling to help you explore your feelings?  Just a thought.

Post # 108
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I can’t imagine how hard this situation is for you.  All I can say is if you are in any way doubting how you feel about your Fiance and if he is the one you want to be with for the rest of your life, then you should call off the wedding and be honest with him.  I have a friend that found out his wife had been cheating on him right after they got married and he was absolutely devasted.  As hard as it might be telling him…I think its something that needs to be done.  Don’t get married and then start regretting it.  You should know with everything you have that you want to marry this man.  If you aren’t 100% then it sounds like you need to take a step back and look at what you want.

Post # 109
Member
3422 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Be fair to yourself and your Fiance and call the wedding off . After reading your posts I honestly don’t think marriage is the right move to make. 

Post # 110
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It was tough. I was with someone who I loved very much, but he always broke my heart. I was sick of having a broken heart. 

 

When I met Mike we both just knew, I told him my situation. That I was in love with someone that  always broke my heart and I was just looking for someone to trust and grow old with. 

 

I broke up with my ex on my birthday right before my party, and it was the best thing I ever did. I decided to go with my gut, and my gut told me Mike was the right choice for me. 

 

It was hard at first falling in love with someone new and falling out of love with someone I did truly love, but I knew was not right for me. I broke his heart that day, but we are best friends now and I feel and know that I made the best decision I could have made for myself.

 

It was hard, I had friends and family mad at me, but you know what? It is my stinking life and know one is going to tell me who to care and love.

 

Here I am 18 years later we get married on the 31st and these last 18 years have been the most amazing years of my life.

 

Trust yourself sweetie, you know what is going to be good for you. It is never easy loving two people, just listen to what your heart is saying. Do not listen to anyone else and their opinions, follow what you feel is right.

 

It will all work out in the end. Keep that chin up and that smile on your face, it is going to be a tough few days for you sweetie. Hang in there and I am here if you need to talk or just vent.

 

Post # 111
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@MrsPanda99:  + 1.

If it was cold feet you would be asking yourself if you really want to settle down, not thinking about your FI’s friend.

I think you should tell your FIANCE how you feel.. Not the other guy.

Post # 113
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

I don’t want to repeat too much of what other’s have said, but I agree a previous post suggesting that you should read the 5 Love Languages (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/), if you haven’t already. Even though you have a wonderful fiance, it sounds like right now, he isn’t listening to you when you express concern about having a large wedding. This is a communication issue that he probably doesn’t realize — he’s thinking it’s normal wedding planning stress but you know there is so much more going on that he doesn’t realize. Since he’s not picking up on this magnitude of this stress, he can’t reassure you properly to fulfill your emotional needs. Do you feel like your fiance is meeting your needs and wants for a full relationship? Would you feel more satisfied in your relationship if your fiance took your suggestion to have a smaller wedding more seriously? 

Post # 114
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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@Birdi:  +1

OP, I am so sorry you are going though this and a decision is going to have to be made pretty soon, since your wedding is so close.  

I think you need to postpone AT THE LEAST, if not cancel the wedding and give Fiance the ring back.  It doesn’t sound to me like he has any indication that you are harboring feelings for someone else, much less his friend, otherwise your suggestion of postponing to releave stress (which I think is more to weigh your emotions between Fiance and the friend) would be taken more seriously.

To be honest, you cant be the only one calling the shots.  That is the only “selfish” thing I see you doing, is not telling your Fiance and giving him a chance to make a decision WITH you. Maybe when you tell him, he won’t flip out and cancel but he will want to get to the root of the problem and fix it.  Maybe both him and you will be willing to cut out this guy.  To me he doesn’t sound like a stand up friend if he has these secret feelings for you and is telling people about it.

i think you need to take time to talk to your fiancé.  He deserves to know, and as your future husband, something like this can’t be kept in the dark.  I know some couples who joke about having crushes on their friends before they got married/began dating.  The difference is that they never hid the fact from each other and it never was an issue because they knew they were 100% in the relationship with their SO from the moment they began dating.

Post # 115
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@bohemianbride My initial thought is that this is just jitters. But, it troubles me that someone you have these feelings for will be in your life forever. His child is in your wedding! He’s in your wedding! Are you setting you and your fiance up for a lifetime of infidelity?

I think you should speak to a professional about this. Write your feelings down and then assess why it is that you are getting married at all.

Post # 116
Member
2358 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@Baroness_Meg:  Maybe she edited her post, but in the first paragraph she says she loves her Fiance…  unless we’re talking about something more in depth about how she feels about her Fiance.

Post # 117
Member
13717 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@bohemianbride:  “

“That could be… we had a meeting at our venue the other day with event coordinator and my mother, the dinner selections came up and we couldn’t agree on one. He threw a fit and stomped out of the meeting so I had sit throught the rest of it by myself feeling like an idiot.”

Really?!  This incident  and the fact that he is not even sure whether or not he wants children with you, one day he says he does, the next he is not sure, tells me that you two are not ready to get married,  even putting your feelings for  another person aside. 

 Also, you say you own a home and he has already moved in.  How old are his children and what kind of custody does he have?  Are they already living with you part time?  If so, or even if not, NONE  of this is fair to them.  You owe it to them to get this right.  

I think you do need to postpone and would also strongly recommend some counseling. 

Post # 118
Member
719 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

The fact you titled this “In love with fiance’s friend,” instead of “Maybe feelings for fiance’s friend” or “Confused about fiance’s friend” speaks volumes to me. Whether or not it’s the Real Thing, it’s real enough to you that this is how you’re phrasing it. I would be beyond devastated if my FH said he was “in love” with someone else before we got married. Do yourself, and your FH a favour and at least postpone, if not cancel this wedding.

Post # 120
Member
2664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

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@Blonde17Jess:  I disagree. She went for her FI’s friend first, and his liked him on and off the whole time… it’s not something that’s just come up randomly. Obviously her feelings are real and not just some random jitters she’s having. It kind of seems like she settled for her Fiance when she couldn’t have his friend. 

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@bohemianbride 

Post # 121
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@bohemianbride:  when things are as serious as this, it is easy to let it get out of controll. It is hard to face things when you might hurt someone you truly care about. 

 

Good Luck and I hope to hear frpom you again, with a great and happy outcome for yourself.

 

🙂

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