(Closed) In love with fiance's friend (kinda long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 122
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t mean to be rude, but you don’t sound matee enough quite yet to marry either guy.. Maybe you need some time to yourself to realluy out what you want… You can’t really decide on a guy and you can’t tell your Fiance what wedding you really want.. You just seem confused And might need a nice break. It’s better to postpone or call it off than potentially have to deal with divorce or cheating later on.

Post # 123
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@bohemianbride:  

I don’t normally like posting advice, but this one kind of hits close to home for me.  I was pretty much in love with my ex’s friend that he’d known since junior high/high school.  The ex and I were together for 8 years and for 7 of those years I had feelings for his friend.  I tried to ignore them or see if it’d go away but it never did, honestly they only got stronger over time.  My ex was a total jerk though, but that’s besides the point.  I guess that’s where out stories differ a little.  I think you should leave youe Fiance, it’s not fair to you or him, regardless if you end up with the friend or not.

I never did anything inappropiate with the friend, and I only hung out with him alone once without my ex knowing.  He helped my fix my computer and it was completly innocent.  I would have told my ex, hey friend is going to fix my computer, but he’d never allow that and I needed it for school.  

Well I had enough of the ex and wondering if he was really the person I wanted to be with forever, or if I was making some big giant mistake considering spending the rest of my life with him.  I broke up with him  with the mindset that I would be single for a while and maybe even forever, heck I didn’t really care!  I couldn’t stop thinking of the friend though and called him about a month later to puppysit for me one day.  We’ve pretty much been insepreable since that day.  We got engaged on our 1 year anniversary, we’re married now and I’m pregnant!  Honestly, I know there are a lot of layers of of complexity in situations like these and it works out differently for everyone, but I truly believe you should follow your heart.  I’m sure most people here won’t be sympathetic towards your situation, but it’s tough unless you’ve been there.  

Post # 124
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am sorry to hear about this situation! My gut reaction is to tell you not to get married. If you are contemplating it this much then something is very wrong. If I was in your situation I guess I would try to think about it as if you were in a situation where no one would get hurt – your fiancé, families etc., then who would you choose? Obviously it’s nowhere near as easy as that, but if you answer that question honestly th an that’s probably your answer. If the answer is the friend, then better to do it now then live unhappily or get divorced. That’s not fair to your fiancé or you. Best of luck.

Post # 125
Member
422 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@Dareebs:  This – 100%

Post # 126
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

@bohemianbride:  I don’t know what to advise you. I really feel for you because I cancelled my own wedding at 6 weeks before the date, and it was traumatic. Wedding planning almost takes on a life of its own, and it becomes like a train coming straight at you. It’s tough to stop it or postpone, and often this means the end of the relationship. I don’t think anyone can tell you what to do, but I believe you should go with your gut even if it’s scary. Try imagining what you would choose, if you could choose without anyone getting upset or hurt. Obviously that’s not the case here, but what would you choose if you weren’t afraid of the consequences. Because it’s never wise to make decisions that are based in fear, and sometimes fear tricks us into making the wrong decision. In an ideal world, what would happen and what do you feel is right? Also, if you are stalling on wedding planning, pay attention to that.

Post # 128
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@bohemianbride:  I would cancel the wedding. If your not 100% sure you would choose your Fiance over any other man in the world, then you do not need to marry him.

And if you DO get married, this “friend” has no business standing up there on your wedding day.

Post # 129
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You’re received some very excellent advice from all sides here.  It’s pretty much overwhelmingly “Stop/postpone the wedding” and “Don’t pursue the other guy unless you are single and emotionally available.”  I’m not quite sure what more we could tell you.

And obviously this guy doesn’t care about his relationship with your Fiance if he’s pursuing you openly. 

This entire situation is a mess.  You need to put an end to it before everyone (including the kids) get hurt.  But I know sometimes people have to make mistakes that they know are mistakes just to see what happens. .

Good luck with your situation. 

Post # 130
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@BeachBride2014:  +1

This is ironic “my fiance has known all along about how he felt for me and that he went behind his back and pursued me.”

Um that guy is pursuing you behind your FI’s back.  If that is supposed to make him look better, it doesn’t.  It’s actually worse since you are enganged and before you were presumably single.

Anyway, OP, there really isn’t anymore advice to give, I think you know what you need to do.  I know it’s hard and feels imposible, bt it’s not and you’ll feel better when you postpone or cancel the wedding.

 

Post # 131
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@BeachBride2014:  +1

This is so messy.

It wouldn’t be fair to your Fiance if you married him and have feelings for someone else. Imagine if he did that to you and was inlove with your best friend and you found out. That would hurt.

I know for me, I only want to get married one time only so I want to do it right. 100%, no reservations, head over heels with one man, ready to commit the rest of my life to him and no one else.
That’s how I see it. Marriage is so precious. I know you aren’t taking this lightly because you’re posting on here but you’ve got to figure this out.
If you aren’t 100% sure your fiance is the last person you ever want to hold hands with, kiss, tell everything to, don’t marry him.

Post # 132
Member
8469 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I haven’t read every post here, but what you are doing is wrong. You don’t deserve your Fiance if you are fixated on another man. 

Do yourself a favor and come clean to your Fiance. It’s obviously clear that you aren’t 100% certain that you want to marry him. 

Post # 133
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m not convinced that this other guy is right for you (especially since he went behind your FI’s back to try and woo you), but I am convinced that you should not be marrying your current fiance. I would definitely break things off, be honest, and take it from there.

Post # 134
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@bohemianbride:  This is a long thread and unfortunately, I just can’t read through everything so I apologize if I’m repeating anyone.  I just wanted to tell you one of the most valuable things I learned when my husband and I went to therapy (before we got married & we were on the verge of breaking up).  There’s something really valuable in “relationship wisdom” and we often take it for granted when we’ve been with someone for a long time.  Often, a new relationship (even if it’s someone you know) will look more exciting and maybe even easier.  But it’s usually because we haven’t learned about the new person’s problems yet…  Basically, a new relationship is just a whole new set of problems we haven’t learned how to figure out yet.  A few years down the road, you may have a whole new set of challenges to deal with.  Why not build on what you already know so well?

I realize you weren’t saying much about problems with your fiance, but sometimes having feelings for someone else will show when there’s something else going on.  It sounds like maybe it’s some of the things about your wedding that are stressful to you.

I’m also not saying you HAVE to stay with your fiance. Maybe the other guy is wonderful, only you can really say. I wish you had more time to figure this out and least to give your relationship a little more time to work through this.  I just hope you can walk down the aisle being excited that it’s the best day of your life, not questioning things.  That’s how every bride should feel!  Good luck with all of this.  It can’t be easy.

Post # 135
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

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@bohemianbride:  Marriage is about committing to one person forever. If you have feelings for someone else, you aren’t committing to your fiance whole heartedly. Even if you never cheat on him, you still aren’t committed to him emotionally, ya know? If my husband had feelings for someone else but still loved me and married me anyway to avoid hurting a friendship I wouldn’t feel good about myself or the stability of my marriage at all. 

Why does the other guy’s recent phone call make you more confused than you were before? Does hearing he likes you directly from him make you more unsure about your upcoming marriage, if so why? Did your doubts about your wedding surface when this guy became single? You said your fiance is a nice, wonderful man – what do you like about the other guy? I think answering these questions may help you pinpoint the source of your feelings – whether they be true doubts or cold feet. It sounds like the confusion might be you being afraid of the risk involved in losing fiance to take a chance on some other guy. 

Post # 136
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

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@bohemianbride:  The friend is not being fair. He had feelings for you when he was in a relationship, and still let that run its course – he didn’t break up his relationship to be with you, but he is expecting that of you, so close to your wedding. Saying he doesn’t care about losing a 10 year friendship is quite alarming – he has no loyalty to your Fiance at all which I find really sad.

There are reasons why you said yes to your fiancé. It can’t just have been a case of ‘the one I want is not available, you’ll do’. Like others have said, the grass isn’t always greener. This other guy might be his best self around you, but who really knows what anyone is like?

It’s totally your call though – it’s your life and you need to do what makes you happy. At the very least, it isn’t fair to proceed with a wedding if you have strong feelings for someone else. It’s not like you can avoid this guy and let the feelings fade – he’ll always be around in some capacity. We can offer our opinions, but ultimately it is up to you. You could always have a session with a counsellor to talk this through. Wishing you luck.

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