Post # 1
I always told my bf that marriage is a mutual decision and I would like to be involved in the process. I always bring up the topic, so in the beginning of this month and I brought it up again. He said to give him 2 more weeks, to stop trying to control everything and let him do things on his time, etc. I was upset because I told him we agreed to talk about it and I felt like he was leading me on. He told me that he does want to marry me and he wanted two weeks because he got the ring his mother gave him and wanted to surprise me with a proposal and make some adjustments to it. My need to control everything ruined it and to give him the benefit of the doubt, to let him do things his own way, etc. He told me we were “engaged” but not to tell anyone until I had the ring on my finger because he knows everyone would ask to see it. We went out to dinner to celebrate our engagement and I was very happy. I was surprised he was giving me his mother’s ring when we never discussed this as an option. I’ve showned him rings I liked in the past, his mother’s ring is a diamond and I’ve always wanted a stone. The problem with the ring is my Mother-In-Law is divorced and it ended on bad terms. I think we would be starting off in a negative way because of this history. He doesn’t see it that way, he say’s that it will be different for us and it means a lot to him using his mother’s ring. Yesterday, I told him I can’t accept his mother’s ring, that I think we should start off with something new or no ring. The ring isn’t a big deal to me what bothers me is that we didn’t discuss any of this. I told him he could propose with a CZ ring and I wouldn’t care, he was upset that I didn’t want to take his mothers ring. He said that getting a cheap ring would look bad on his part and it seems like he cares more about what people would say. Then he proceeded to say that he can’t afford a new ring, which is bs because he makes a decent amount of money and the ring I chose isn’t expensive and they have payment plans as well. I felt bad that I hurt his feelings so I apologized to him. He accepted my apology and respected my decision but told me it would be a while before he bought me a ring, which I don’t understand when he has money to buy other things. One part of me thinks I should take it all back and just accept his mother’s ring but another part just doesn’t feel right doing that. Am I overreacting? What do you ladies think?
Post # 2
Personally, I don’t believe in bad juju from jewelry, though I guess that’s your choice if you do. I do think, however, that it’s reasonable for him to need more time if he has to buy you a new ring. Even if he has the money now, it’s still a process to pick one out, get the right sizing, place the order, pick the stone, etc.
Have you seen his mother’s ring? You never know–you may love it! Would you consider using the stone? Or do you definitely not want a diamond?
Post # 3
CloverBells : I haven’t seen his mothers ring. He said he wanted to use a different setting similar to the ring I showed him before. Maybe I’m just being a brat
Post # 4
Personally I wouldn’t want a to wear my MILs ring from a failed marriage either.
I think you need to suggest going ring shopping with him to pick the ring you want, see what they cost etc. Then you can suggest various options to keep it in budget, either a cheaper ring or paying half. His reaction to this will let you know if “can’t afford it” was just an excuse to delay engagement and then you have all the info you need to decide if you want to stay or not.
I think the “we are engaged but you can’t tell anyone” to be incredibly manipulative.
Post # 5
Your desire to start fresh with a new ring rather than one with his mother’s history makes sense to me. Since you mentioned believing “marriage is a mutual decision,” why not offer to pay for part of the ring? If you prefer a gemstone then it shouldn’t be too hard for both of you to save up, it’s not like you’re asking for a 3 carat diamond or something.
Post # 6
coffeanddonuts : I think you both need to work on communication. Identify what is important to you, articulate it, and where it doesn’t match up, compromise.
Post # 7
You keep saying that you want mutual decisions, but you really just want to make the decisions, because you’re bulldozing his feelings.
Post # 8
If you have to withhold the fact that you’re engaged, then you’re not engaged.
At the end of the day, it’s really just a label anyway. All that really counts if you’re engaged is if you’re planning to get married; if he asked you, it doesn’t matter if you have a ring or not. You’re engaged.
I do think you need to work on communication. I think it is unfair of you to think he just has the money for the ring you want; he gets to spend his money how he wants to, not how you dictate it because you want the ring you want when you want it.
Post # 9
I think you two need to work on communication and resolve this on your own. If you can’t figure out how to communicate well, don’t get married.
Post # 10
Just logically here: diamonds are made of carbon. Some sort of animal died, maybe it’s head was ripped off, really tragic death. Then that head and grass it bled all over got compressed millions of years and turned into a pretty diamond. So any diamond you put on your finger can have a horrific past. Heck, don’t even get me started on blood diamonds… Look, the ring exists so by not being a consumer demanding another one get made it helps stop the violence. This is why I support buying used rings.
So when it comes down to it- who cares if it was a bad marriage? Don’t let that diamond waste away in vain. Love that diamond and be grateful for all the suffering that went into it’s existence.
Post # 11
yupmarried : LOL this is fabulous.
Bee, perhaps he could have his mother’s diamond reset in a new ring? You can pick out the style together. The diamond still represents the love his parents have for their son, and his mother is passing on her love for her son to you.
Post # 12
bayoubee : I offered to pay for half but he wouldn’t go for it. I’m upset because he could have saved for this when we spoke about it last year. To me, there’s no excuse especially when there were discussions.
Post # 13
Sounds like the 2 of you are not on the same page. You see the process of getting engaged as a mutual decision where you jointly choose a ring (albiet it sounds like you would prefer to essentially pick out the ring).
He doesn’t seem to think it’s a mutual process or that you should get any say in the ring. And sounds like he values the idea of surprising you with some planned proposal.
To my mind, this isn’t just about jewelry. It’s about how you make decisions as a couple.
Post # 14
simplebee92 : It’s not unfair of me to think about him getting the ring when he’s had all this time to save. Last year we spoke about this, so there’s really no excuse. The prices aren’t unreasonable he could easily buy the ring he has the money. What I don’t appreciate is the fact that we discussed this and he caught completely off guard with his mother’s ring. I understand of he would of been honest from the beginning but he wasn’t. He made me believe I was getting the ring I picked out to then say I was getting his mother’s.
Post # 15
I wouldn’t want his mom’s ring. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to not want to look at your ring everyday and think of his parent’s failed marriage. Just give him some time to find a new ring.