In need of advice

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you accept the ring?
    Accept the ring but don't wear it : (1 votes)
    2 %
    Accept the ring and wear it : (25 votes)
    52 %
    Don't accept the ring : (13 votes)
    27 %
    Cancel the engagement : (9 votes)
    19 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    129 posts
    Blushing bee

    coffeanddonuts :  I’d like you to at least view it rationally. You may have started speaking about rings last year, but that doesn’t mean he was ready to buy a ring last year, or even wanted to. Also, what you think is reasonable may not be to him; maybe he thinks if he buys you a ring, then it has to be fit for a certain quality (whether you say so or not – but you did say so because you gave him specifics of what you want.) I don’t think he ever made you believe you were getting anything, he simply discussed it with you.

    I’m not saying you HAVE to take his mom’s ring. But if you’re not, you have to give him time to get what you want. Don’t demand him go get the ring you want tomorrow because that’s not feasible, it’s selfish.

    Post # 18
    Member
    8216 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Maybe he didn’t know his mom’s ring was an option before when you talked about it? 

    Post # 19
    Member
    1884 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I wouldn’t accept the ring. And I’d want the two of us to sit down and talk and get on the same page about how we each want the engagement process to go. 

    When Fiance and I started talknig about getting engaged, he mentioned that his mom had stones she always told the buys they could use for their future e-rings, and he offered me my pick of those. I immediately say thank you, but no thanks, that I wanted my own ring that had zero history attached to it that I knew about.

    I also had specific thoughts about the type of stone I wanted. 

    Once that was off the table, I let him know that I had very specific thoughts about my ring and that I thought the engagement process should be collaborative, since we are equal partners in an adult relationship.

    I said I had pretty strong feelnigs about this, but that I wanted to know if HE had strong feeling in a different direction.

    Luckily for me, he didn’t, and we went on to design my ring together. But I would have found out at that point if he DID, because we had that conversation in its entirety so that we could both get clarity around what can be a very emotionally-loaded subject. 

    Had FI really wanted me to go with one of his mom’s stones, I probably would have considered it and compromised in some way, but the important thing is he wouldn’t have blindsided me with a ring we hadn’t discussed.

    Your main takeaway from this thread will probably be that everyone has very different and very emotional feelings on this subject, so no one can tell you what to do in your situation.

    But what’s crucial is that you and your SO get on the same page, and that you feel like he listens to what you want and cares about what you want. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    1130 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    This is a really tough one. You’re presumably going to wear this ring day in, day out, for the rest of your life, so you really should like it or have some input over it. On the other hand, this is a family ring, so I can see why his feelings are hurt. And he probably was a little relieved to not have to spend any additional cash or effort looking for a ring. Now he’s hurt and probably overwhelmed at the process of ring shopping (not just the money, but the sheer amount of options are daunting at times).

    I think this is just something you’re going to have to do a cost benefit analysis on, since we don’t know your boyfriend’s personality. Will he shrug off this slight against his mother’s ring in a few days, or will he and his mother take this personally for a long time to come? For the record, I don’t think it makes you a brat to want a ring that suits your tastes, but you may decide that for whatever reason, this isn’t the hill you want to die on.

    Post # 22
    Member
    668 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    coffeanddonuts :  I would be put off on not being a part of the process at all.

    It seems like you two aren’t on the same page and your expectations are different.

    The ‘we’re engaged but don’t tell anyone’ is sketchy to me.

    And him saying he wants to use his mothers ring because it ‘means so much to him’ but then saying, just kidding it’s because I can’t afford a real ring…the whole thing just seems really rushed to me and doesn’t feel right. 

    My two cents. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    178 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    I think that you and him are interpretting what it meant to look at rings differently. You appear to have seen it was picking out a ring, whereas he appears to think it was gathering information.

    Also, maybe he didn’t plan on giving you his mother’s ring but when he saw the ring prices of what you liked he looked into other options. My point is you say he lied about it but maybe he just hadn’t made up his mind one way or another.

    Either way this is a communication issue. The way I see it you have two options:

    1. Accept the ring he wants to give you

    2. Make it known that you ate not comfortable with that ring and then drop it – he can get you another ring that he feels he can afford when he feels he can afford it

    Post # 24
    Member
    708 posts
    Busy bee

    There’s a lot that could be addressed here but I’ll start with my top impressions.

    So it sounds to me like he wanted to surprise you with a ring using his mom’s diamond and a setting similar to what you wanted and a fancy proposal. Meanwhile, it sounds like you wanted to be much more involved and just be engaged, not to make a production out of things. You’re just on different pages here. Unfortunately, we like to think the engagement thing is more about making the ladies happy but it is actually a big male pride thing as well. Wait and let him plan out something romantic and grand for you if he wants to, rather than rushing off to tell people you’re engaged now.

    Speaking of pride and the diamond, it sounds like he wants to get you a diamond but using his mom’s is the only way he thinks he can afford one. Or at least one he finds acceptable, since he’d lose some money trading it in. I get that too. There’s a lot of male pride that goes into an engagement ring, hence the occasional post on this site about how some men paid too much for the ring or got too big a ring. Heck, my hubby paid more than I was comfortable with and I was right there trying to talk him into a cheaper one. I love my ring but I think he is more proud of my ring than I am. And really, in hindsight, I’m happy he loves my ring too. Anyways, you either need to cater to his ego about a diamond or you need to tread carefully and convince him that you would love a gemstone more and that it is perfectly socially acceptable to have a gemstone rather than a diamond.

    And as far as price goes, money’s a tricky thing. Even if you’re right and he really Could afford the gemstone that you wanted, the price of a gemstone may not seem much to you but if he doesn’t think it’s worth the money, any price can be too expensive. $50 a month for cable isn’t much either but I refused to get it for years, despite what my partner wanted. What I said was “it is too expensive.” What I meant was “it’s not worth the money.” He may never think that a gemstone is worth the money but I hope you can convince him that would be what makes you happiest.

     

    Post # 25
    Member
    490 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    I think if you wanted to be that much in control over your engagement you should have proposed to him instead. I mean this in the kindest of ways.

    If you wanted THE ring you had your eyes set on, you should have told him straightforward: This is the ring I want, I do not want any other ring. By giving him hints on what rings you like or showing him what style you like, you are simply giving him options but allowing him to make the final decision -which he did. You can refuse to wear the ring and buy yourself the ring you want as a placeholder, or you could simply accept the ring and realize that a stupid piece of jewelry plays little to no effect over the longetivity of a marriage.

    Post # 26
    Member
    5756 posts
    Bee Keeper

    coffeanddonuts :  
    I think the problem here is that you’re trying to control a situation and when you first spoke on it he really wasn’t ready. I wouldn’t want his mother’s failed ring, but I wouldn’t be pushing him on a ring. To some just because you want a CZ doesn’t mean he’s okay with that. And as for just saying your ring that you want wouldn’t hurt him you don’t know that. you’re assuming that. I think you need to be patient.

    Post # 27
    Member
    629 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Others have made really good points about this being a communication issue/emblamatic of deeper stuff going on in your relationship, so I won’t pile on. From a practical/problem-solving perspective, could you swap out his mother’s diamond for the gemstone of your choice (that you’d contribute to financially?) Do you like the setting, otherwise? The diamond could be repurposed into a necklace or returned to his mom or another family member.

    If he’s worried about being perceived as a cheapskate because you don’t wear a diamond, he has some growing up to do (also, one could argue that he’s kind of being a cheapskate by not getting you a new ring).

    Post # 28
    Member
    801 posts
    Busy bee

    Yay congratulations you’re engaged. Spend this time of enjoyment with him. These conversations about a new ring you can bring up over time. xo

    Post # 29
    Member
    6350 posts
    Bee Keeper

    coffeanddonuts :  

    Well I dunno but I don’t find you to blame at all . Nor do I find you particularly  controlling  – such an  easy charge to levy  at any  woman not obviously romantic and  passive.

    I wouldn’t  want  my FMIL’s failed marriage ring either (though it seems to have worked for the Cambridges !)  and it is not reasonble to expect you to be thrilled with a diamond when you specifically said you didn’t like them and wanted a gemstone .  I give him some leeway  on this though,  so many men know so little about stones and jewellery  of any sort.

    I would find  a way to tell him as gently and as sensitively as possible that you want your own ring that you and he have chosen together. Since he seems to care what others think of him,  maybe  suggest that he would  be better thought of  for this than giving you his mother’s old  ring.   

    Post # 30
    Member
    153 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    I’m going to go against the grain and say I think you’re being a little ridiculous. As others have said, just because you think he can afford something else right now, doesn’t mean he can. Just because you discussed it a year ago, doesn’t mean he was ready (and therefore doesn’t mean he started saving).

    As for his mom’s ring, I can totally see where your boyfriend is hurt and offended. He probably doesn’t see it as a symbol of a failed marriage, but instead as a family heirloom. I get that it wasn’t the one you choose. I also felt a ping of disappointment when I learned that my FH was proposing with an heirloom ring. But I had the opportunity to have it reset and now I’m completely in love with it. The added family significance is something you’ll never get with a ring brand new. As someone else suggested, if you really want a gemstone, use mom’s setting with a new stone. Or, depending on the size of the diamond, use it as a side stone. Just remember that the engagement isn’t only about you.

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