Post # 1
Hi everyone and thank you for your help in advance,
I am set to marry my fiancee on in three weeks, after proposing to her last December. In the last two weeks, I have started to express my reservations based on some things:
1) We currently live in a town near her dream job, family, and friends, and I telecommute and am unhappy, since there are no job opportunities for me in my field where we are and I am basically alone in a town I wouldn’t be living in without her. The compromise my fiancee has presented is to move 45 minutes away from her job, closer to a city where I could potentially find a better job. I’m not sure that that city is where I want to be, and I know I don’t want to live in the proposed city for the entirety of our marriage, but that is the only city she’s willing to move to aside from the one with her job in it. My family and majority of friends are over 3 hours away in any of the proposed scenarios.
Her reasoning is that she feels that is a good enough compromise and that moving anywhere else would take away her ideal situation. She’s a person who strongly values security and certainty, and wants to put down roots wherever the next place we move is.
We have tried to find a middle ground and appear to be a stalemate. I asked if there was any chance for us to postpone the wedding and move to the “middle ground town” to see if it would work, in an effort to prevent a potential divorce if we married and then saw it failed. She said postponing the wedding would be a dealbreaker.
I also have social anxiety disorder and the thought of being at an altar with over a hundred people looking on has me anxious.
Is this a case of cold feet or should it be time to call the wedding off?
Thanks for your advice.
Post # 3
@lovestruckromeo: Is your scenario any different than it was a year ago when you proposed? If it is the same, it may be cold feet. If this is something that has emerged just this year, it may not.
Post # 4
Only you can really know deep down if its a passing feeling, or if it’s really time to move on because you simply don’t want the same things. Do you still feel strongly about her being your wife? What are your deal breakers? Its not fair for her to call all the shots in the relationship, and if you aren’t happy, she should try to work with you (and vice versa) to ensure you’re both happy. I would suggest having a very honest talk with her about how you’re feeling, if she’s willing to work with you more when she has a better understanding of how you’re feeling and everything is all on the table maybe you can just work through this stuff and come to an agreement, if not maybe ending things before you’re actually married is a better option in order for you both to find happiness.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
Post # 5
@lovestruckromeo: I don’t think you’re having “cold feet” per say, as I don’t think this is directly related to your feelings towards your fiance or your impending wedding/marriage. I think you’re concerned that your fiance is pretending to compromise when she really isn’t…
Apply for jobs all over. Go to interviews. If you get an offer, compare your job/income to hers, compare towns, talk a LOT, and come to a decision together. Just because she is exactly where she wants to be (within 45 minutes) it isn’t fair to keep you somewhere you don’t want to be.
You deserve to be happy in your work/social life just as much as she does, and she needs to try a bit to find a better solution for both of you.
Post # 6
Well, it’s true that compromise is essential and it’s not the right choice if you feel she’s not really compromising at all. BUT, I am going to play devil’s advocate and ask you to flip the situation.
So: what if you was YOU who lived in a town with your “dream job, family and friends” and your fiancee was the one who wanted you to move because she didn’t know anyone where you currently lived, and didn’t see herself finding a job there ever?
I think without anything making a compelling argument for another city (your dream job is there, or a huge community you’d like to be involved in or there’s lots of hiking/things you like to do) it just seems like you’re asking her to uproot the good things she DOES have in this town, just to prove she loves you – and it’s not enough that you move nearly an hour away, it has to be somewhere attractive enough to you. And that doesn’t seem like a fair compromise on your part, when you know she wants security.
Unless, reading it again, one of the places you’d like to move is to be closer to your friends and family, which you didn’t really go into. And if you guys can’t meet in the middle on that, well, that sucks but sometimes it’s crazy details like this (or money, or religion or how to raise the kids) that break us, and if it comes to that you really have my sympathy. That sucks and will be awful, but you will still get through it. 🙁
Oh and lastly, the social anxiety is unrelated. I get that too and it’s usually when I’m upset about something else and it’s a flight/fight instinct to distance yourself. If that’s an issue, it’s one you can resolve after this, so don’t lump that in now. 🙂
Post # 7
You read my mind!
In all honesty OP, I think she is compromising. She’s willing to move away, so that you will have a better chance at finding your dream job, even though she will then be further from her job, friends and family. You are saying, essentially, that you want to move away, but you don’t actually seem to have a reason to move- from your OP, it doesn’t sound like you have a job lined up or a particular town in mind. As you have already said, this girl values security. That means a steady and reliable income. Her job (i’m guessing) is providing that, so why would she want to leave that job to move to a town where neither of you currently have jobs, and there is no guarantee of you getting one? That probably doesn’t make her feel very secure.
Post # 8
Thank you all for the posts. It means a lot.
To clarify, I told her about three weeks ago I was having reservations because I didn’t know if we could find a middle ground on where we could live happily. I totally agree that she should keep her dream job and I want her to be happy, which is why I haven’t suggested us moving where my family and friends are, reversing the issues we have. But I also feel like both parties should be happy and right now I’m worried considering I am so unsettled and unhappy heading into the wedding.
Also, I come from a broken family, so commitment and fears that the relationship would end in divorce are certainly there.
I know, and understand I can’t completely get, how much time, effort, and heart goes into a bride to be planning a wedding. But the fears are still there. I have thought about it and talked to her openly about this, and her opinion ultimately is that if we love each other fully then it will all work out.
Post # 9
@dihy: We live together now and I am in a town that isn’t conducive to my career or social wants. When we were engaged, we lived in separate towns.
Post # 10
@mrs-hues-to-be: I think my overwhelming emotions right now are anxiety about the wedding and our future. We have had about five heart to heart talks in the past two weeks and it seems to go in circles.
Post # 11
This doesn’t sound like cold feet. It sounds more like you’re approaching a future that you know will make you unhappy (professionally). I wish I could tell you what you should do, but only you know your heart and your priorities. Good luck!
Post # 12
@lovestruckromeo: Oh! Okay, so it is something that just emerged this year then. In that case it sounds like the decision to move was based on her job (as the first of you to land one?) and then you later realized there is nothing there for you professionally. So as a couple you have had to go through a re-evaluation of your initial plans. I think that is why you feel like you should put things on hold…you want to wait until you find out if the two of you can figure out a happy compromise and/or change plans together as a couple. I understand your feelings completely.
Prior to meeting my Fiance, I was in a long term relationship with a gentleman in a different city. We tried and tried to meet a compromise about living arrangements in order to be together. He lived near his job in a little tiny house and I lived about half way between his job and my job (if we were traveling in from a certain end of his city and a certain end of mine, that is) in a big house. I suggested we both move into my home because it was about half way and large enough to house all of us (I have 2 kids). He refused. It was okay for me to commute, but not him. So I suggested we both sell our homes and purchase a home on the other end of his city where at the very least my commute would only be about an hour as opposed to two hours. He refused. He liked the fact that his home was only about 5 minutes from his job.
I tried finding work in his city, but because my job relies on being connected/networking with community resources I could not get hired there. He wanted me to move and be his dependent.
I tried staying on weekends at his home with my children, just to ‘feel it out’, but the kids didn’t fit in the small second bedroom he had. I suggested we give them the larger room and take the smaller one. He suggested bunk beds and getting rid of their toys. They were 4 & 5 at the time so I suggested clearing room for some toys in the basement. He cleared some room…and then built a music studio for himself.
We obviously aren’t together now 🙂 My new and most wonderful Fiance and I had to go through decision making in regard to our professions and job availability almost a year before we were engaged because we lived in different cities. I could have moved an hour from my job and he would have been 5 minutes from his job. He could have moved an hour from his job and we would have been 5 minutes from my job. Neither seemed fair to us and so we decided to move half way between and both commute. There was no big discussion, or any circles. There was immediate compromise and team work.
I don’t blame you a bit for wanting to hold things off on the wedding for the time being until you see how well the two of you can do at sorting out life’s hiccups.
Post # 13
@lovestruckromeo: Soooo let me get this straight. You proposed to her, you let her plan a wedding for a year, you have no job offer, she has a dream job she’s willing to move 45 mins away from for you to try and keep you happy, you waited until 3 weeks before the wedding to start telling her how you feel and asking to postpone. I’m sorry but I think you just want out and you’re looking for a way to put the blame on her.
Post # 14
@lovestruckromeo: I totally agree with the PP. It’s unfair of you to ask her to change her position/status in her career when you can easily compromise and move a little further away to BOTH be happy. In marriage, it’s about being equal and having a certain respect for each other. It seems like you are expecting her to change for you. I don’t think you are completely incompassionate but it comes across that way.
Speaking from experience: My Fiance and I had plans to move to Austin, Texas from Orange County, CA. We literally had the movers set, the jobs set and the house to move into. About a month before the MOVE date, my boss offered me a LOT of money to stay with him and continue to grow his business. Even though my Fiance would have had a better pay out in Aus, TX compared to what he was making out here, he decided it was more inportant for OUR future to stay in CA and continue my career. Keep in mind: He HATES his job, gets paid nothing compared to what he is worth, and works an average of 60 hrs a week. Although it’s not ideal, it’s the best thing for us right now.
My summary being – it’s all about compromise. When you are married, you pledge your love and life to that person and if that changes because of a location then it seems invalid. The current situation may not be forever… and if it ends up that way, so be it. It might be for the best.
Just my opinion, from another bee. :O)