(Closed) In need of encouragement

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
6584 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well, I am a mom of two with my third on the way and I really dislike babies. The first 6 months are just hell. I really start to like children about 3 years old and I honestly like my kids more and more the older they get. My oldest is 13 now and people are always like “ugh, teenagers!”, but not me! And I really do think it’s true that you end up liking your own kids more than random kids you interact with. You sound like you would be a passionate, involved parent.

Post # 4
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

Badly behaved kids aren’t always the result of bad parenting and your implication otherwise really stood out to me in your post. Often “bad” kids are kids who are dealing with family issues, developmental delays, autism, emotional issues, etc. Honestly, if you aren’t prepared to parent any kid other than a super well behaved one…don’t have kids. You can’t control everything and so much of a child’s personality is inherent. Your niece/nephew might be a laid-back, pliable kid but you have just as much of a chance of having a strong willed kid who won’t take a bar of the disclipinary methods you have in mind.

I’m not a parent yet either, but honestly, your whole post smacks of someone who is absolutely NOT ready to be a parent.

Post # 6
Member
2333 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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katelyndawn89 :  I just want to warn you about the backlash you’re about to get from many parents. Even well behaved kids act like shits sometimes. And you can definitly have a misbehaving child with a chemical imbalance, it doesn’t have to be autism. So I think its really unfair to judge the parents of kids when you don’t have any yet. That being said, I am not a parent either, so what do I know?

Post # 7
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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katelyndawn89 :  If you genuinely and truly both just want an older child and to skip the baby phase, why don’t you adpot an older child/children? There are so many from all over the world that need good homes, and most people looking to adopt always pick the infants!

Post # 8
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

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sapphire27 :  this is a great point.

OP, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to have children if you don’t like babies AT ALL. You will not “suddenly like them” once you have them, especially with all the work and tiredness involved. It seems you will end up massively resenting your husband and child as it’s not what you want. You say you love your husband, but I don’t think having a baby for him is the right choice. How would you feel if the baby is now number 1 in his eyes? You have to be prepared to put the child’s needs first, even before your husband.

If you must have a child, adopt an older child who needs a loving home.

Post # 9
Member
9437 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Why not look into adopting an older child? You don’t have to have a baby to have kids. There are so many children who need good homes!

And I agree with PPs that kids aren’t playdoh that you get to mold exactly how you want. They are thier own little people- from birth they are thier own little person so if you are only willing to parent a perfectly behaved child then parenting a child of any age is not for you because there’s more influences than just parenting that go into who a child becomes. 

Post # 10
Member
5052 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

Um… 1 in 68 is NOT .0014%. the spectrum also grows each day. kids who used to be considered assholes, like you suggest in your posts, are not falling into the broader spectrum because they have problems. you can’t discipline the autism out of a kid. think about depression and such in adults. can you smack the depression out of someone?

 

To be honest, being a parent doesn’t sound like it’s for you. and that’s totally ok, I think it’s one of the most nature things TO do is to admit that being a parent isn’t in your lifestyle.

You need to be honest with your fiance. it’s incredibly selfish to string him along with the “someday we will have children” when you don’t want them.

 

You think it’s only babies who cry and need attention? sure kids become more independent but your life is about them. for much longer than 18 years. if you don’t want that lifestyle then don’t have kids.

Post # 11
Member
5052 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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hikingbride :  

Honestly, I think that’s a bad idea. if she thinks a kid raised in a solid home atmosphere is trouble, she would not be able to handle the emotional issues that come with a child who has been in the system.

Post # 12
Member
9437 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

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araebo5585 :  Which was the point of the second part of my post…

But I’m not going to act like I know 100% based on one post a stranger on the internet made like I really know if they would make a good parent or not. Maybe she just needs a perspective change and would make a wonderful parent to an older adopted child. You don’t know and I don’t know either. But I think your response to me was actually a bit ridiculous.

Post # 13
Member
5052 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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hikingbride :  

I didn’t mean to be ridiculous, I just think it’s a bad suggestion as kids in the system have a lot of troubles and they don’t seem to be up her alley

Post # 14
Member
2918 posts
Sugar bee

This is coming from someone who is completely obsessed with babies but I really think that most people that have a fear of babies is because they aren’t comfortable and need exposure. Should you have a baby if you don’t want to? Absolutely not. Should you not have a baby just because it’s unfamiliar territory? Well I think it’s worth looking into. I would offer to help watch a baby of a friends or neighbors. Really get into what it’s like and see what it’s like. If babies still frighten you or don’t interest you, then I would look into adopting an older child or not having children. 

Post # 15
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Katelyndawn89: I felt like I had to pitch in on this discussion because many of your opinions and the way you word things made me feel extremely uncomfortable. However, I won’t go into depth about that as I’m sure many others will have a similar view that they may be better able to express.

If you don’t want babies or young children then don’t have them. The first 5 years are crucial for a child’s development and you seem to be mostly concerned with having a well behaved child rather than a child with a high level of wellbeing amoungst other things that most parents are concerned with. 

Raising a well-behaved child that is adult pleasing does not always mean you are raising a healthy and happy child.

I think you might benefit from doing some solid peer reviewed research in early childhood education and care before considering children of your own. As someone else mentioned, adopting an older child is probably not a good idea either if you want a “well behaved” child as many children who are adopted require additional care and understanding. Or perhaps you could look into volunteering at a preschool where you can learn how to deal with things such as diapers, emotional development and behaviour guidance in a more supportive environment? Your church nursary may not have been the best introduction to the world of babies? 

That being said, none of us know you or your motives/opinions/ideology. Lot’s of things can be misinterpreted online and like you said, you don’t feel like you are ready for children yet anyway.

On top of all of this, if your partner has the capacity to be an amazing father to a baby then perhaps your arrangement may be that he is the primary caretaker. We are not living in the 50’s after all! What ever you decide I think it’s great that you are seriously considering your choices and also reaching out for help/advice! 😊

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