In need of engagement advice

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
9663 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

saradiethorne95 :  it sounds like he was really great about this, and was up front and honest about his feelings, and told you this because he was concerned that you were expecting it asap and he wanted you to be on the same page.

 he did a great job of assuring you that he definitely is planning on this,  but also letting you know what his limits are right now and what the timeline is from his standpoint. If you have other issues and think his timeline won’t work for you, by all means share that with him and come to a mutual decision.

I’d let it go after thanking him for letting me know where he’s at and letting him know that you agree or don’t agree with the timeline. But don’t feel like you can’t bring it up. You’re not playing a part or auditioning, you have needs too. 

 

 

Post # 3
Member
558 posts
Busy bee

saradiethorne95 :  100% get where you are coming from. I started dating my DH when I was 16, and we got engaged when we were 25 and married at 26. I started to get irrational and wanted to get married around 23 as well. I KNEW he was the one (we both did) and we were crazy in love and I just wanted to get married, right then. Or even engaged and have a long engagement, I didnt care. DH told me a similar thing, that we WOULD get married, but he was still in school and wanted to feel like he could support me when we got married. I didn’t understand then why that was such a big deal…. but HE WAS RIGHT. I am SOOOOO glad we waited. I wish I could go back in time and tell my 23 year old self to stop pouting about it and listen to him! I let the thought of marriage consume me and I feel so stupid now looking back on it. 

You have a man who loves you and wants to marry you, don’t push him away because he is planning ahead and being reasonable, AND being honest and setting realistic expectations at the same time. Don’t make marriage a sore subject, still talk about it which excitment when it is brought up, but try not to bring it up allll the time. Maybe look at rings online or daydream about your future wedding day from time to time to hold you over. Just remember, you want to MARRY this person. Sit him down and tell him how you feel. Tell him you know he is being reasonable and you arent mad or pushing him, just that it stings a little when you are so excited for something and reality hits that its far away, even though the reasoning is 100% valid. You both should be able to express your feelings. 

Post # 4
Member
604 posts
Busy bee

saradiethorne95 : 

Hmm. May I ask did he say anything about how school or the uncertainty around work would impact him being a married man? I am asking bc I will share that my FI was worried about money needing to buy a ring or pay for a wedding that he could not afford. Don’t hate me but I love oversized diamonds/try them on all the time/take pictures and have taken gemology classes so it is understandable that he assumed he would need to shell out a lot on a diamond which is clearly not feasible/responsible. I also am very social so he also assumed I would want a big expensive wedding which his best friend was planning and having a terrible time planning/paying for.

Based on my own experience I would ask him about his timetable. When I did this my FI said he didn’t know because he didn’t have any money for the diamonds that I love or a wedding. I replied that he didn’t need a ring to propose and that I will wear my grandmothers diamond which is sitting lonely in a vault. I also said that we both have Skymiles and hotel points so why not elope just us two. Very economical.  I did articulate that I would need to get engaged soon or I would feel uncomfortable continuing to date him. Things wouldn’t make sense to me if he needed more time if he explicitly told me money was the only reason holding him back. A lot of men tend to take more and more time which makes the girl unhappy so I could not risk that. He proposed two weeks later.

Would it make sense to share with us your dream wedding or dream ring? Maybe we can brainstorm ways to scale things down he doesn’t feel financial pressure.

Post # 5
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

I would say that he’s not uncomfortable with you talking about these things and that he seems to want to marry you when it is a responsible decision (you guys can support yourselves). So I wouldn’t hold back anything that you would otherwise say.

That said, you might be torturing yourself by discussing wedding and engagement stuff as often as you are. He’s reiterated that it doesn’t bother him, but if you bring it up often, that’s probably where your mind is. And knowing that you have to wait could be difficult if you’re always thinking about it. I’d suggest trying to keep your mind off of the wedding and engagement topics just so that you don’t have to count days until graduation or worry. If something pops into your head, go ahead and tell him. But you should try to use some control over your thoughts to see if you can keep your mind on the present and not think about an engagment as often.

Post # 6
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Girl, you’ve found a keeper 😊

He was very rational and logical, good for him. I say don’t change how you are or how you talk, he’s got a good head on his shoulders so I wouldn’t worry!!

Post # 7
Member
4469 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

saradiethorne95 :  His mindset is in the right place right now.  He is still in school and uncertain about jobs.  Until you are stable job-wise — both of you — I would leave engagement and marriage off the table.  It is a big step…for now focus on your career and focus on stability.

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