Post # 1
So my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. We are both pretty young, I’m 22 and he is 23. I jokingly always mention engagement to him and over the past few months he has asked me questions like…”how should I ask your dad?” And “what kind of ring would you even want?” However, last night I mentioned something about how my mom’s testing for cancer all came back negative and how I’m relieved because it means that she will be around for our wedding.
After I said that he said ” I really do want to marry you but Im literally still in school and don’t know what is going on with work until pretty much the end of the year. I’m not mad or angry when you bring it up but I just want to make sure you know that it isn’t a matter of if, but when.”
He plain as day said that he doesn’t mind when I talk about it however now I feel as though I shouldn’t mention it anymore at all. As we continued the conversation I told him that I didn’t know it made him stress out and that I wouldn’t mention it as much anymore and he responded with “like, i said, it’s not a big deal but It’s just been brought up so frequently that I figured I would just put it out there.”
i don’t really know how to feel. The emotional part of me is overreacting and thinking that I just made things between us strange by all of the engagement discussion however the rational part of me knows that he is still in school and that he does want to get married and as he said “it’s not a matter of if its a matter of when”.
Should I address to him how it made me feel or should I just brush it off and calm down with the engagement discussion?
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this all the way through. I am aware that I am being a bit unrational I just don’t know what to do.
Post # 2
saradiethorne95 : it sounds like he was really great about this, and was up front and honest about his feelings, and told you this because he was concerned that you were expecting it asap and he wanted you to be on the same page.
he did a great job of assuring you that he definitely is planning on this, but also letting you know what his limits are right now and what the timeline is from his standpoint. If you have other issues and think his timeline won’t work for you, by all means share that with him and come to a mutual decision.
I’d let it go after thanking him for letting me know where he’s at and letting him know that you agree or don’t agree with the timeline. But don’t feel like you can’t bring it up. You’re not playing a part or auditioning, you have needs too.
Post # 3
saradiethorne95 : 100% get where you are coming from. I started dating my DH when I was 16, and we got engaged when we were 25 and married at 26. I started to get irrational and wanted to get married around 23 as well. I KNEW he was the one (we both did) and we were crazy in love and I just wanted to get married, right then. Or even engaged and have a long engagement, I didnt care. DH told me a similar thing, that we WOULD get married, but he was still in school and wanted to feel like he could support me when we got married. I didn’t understand then why that was such a big deal…. but HE WAS RIGHT. I am SOOOOO glad we waited. I wish I could go back in time and tell my 23 year old self to stop pouting about it and listen to him! I let the thought of marriage consume me and I feel so stupid now looking back on it.
You have a man who loves you and wants to marry you, don’t push him away because he is planning ahead and being reasonable, AND being honest and setting realistic expectations at the same time. Don’t make marriage a sore subject, still talk about it which excitment when it is brought up, but try not to bring it up allll the time. Maybe look at rings online or daydream about your future wedding day from time to time to hold you over. Just remember, you want to MARRY this person. Sit him down and tell him how you feel. Tell him you know he is being reasonable and you arent mad or pushing him, just that it stings a little when you are so excited for something and reality hits that its far away, even though the reasoning is 100% valid. You both should be able to express your feelings.
Post # 4
Hmm. May I ask did he say anything about how school or the uncertainty around work would impact him being a married man? I am asking bc I will share that my FI was worried about money needing to buy a ring or pay for a wedding that he could not afford. Don’t hate me but I love oversized diamonds/try them on all the time/take pictures and have taken gemology classes so it is understandable that he assumed he would need to shell out a lot on a diamond which is clearly not feasible/responsible. I also am very social so he also assumed I would want a big expensive wedding which his best friend was planning and having a terrible time planning/paying for.
Based on my own experience I would ask him about his timetable. When I did this my FI said he didn’t know because he didn’t have any money for the diamonds that I love or a wedding. I replied that he didn’t need a ring to propose and that I will wear my grandmothers diamond which is sitting lonely in a vault. I also said that we both have Skymiles and hotel points so why not elope just us two. Very economical. I did articulate that I would need to get engaged soon or I would feel uncomfortable continuing to date him. Things wouldn’t make sense to me if he needed more time if he explicitly told me money was the only reason holding him back. A lot of men tend to take more and more time which makes the girl unhappy so I could not risk that. He proposed two weeks later.
Would it make sense to share with us your dream wedding or dream ring? Maybe we can brainstorm ways to scale things down he doesn’t feel financial pressure.
Post # 5
I would say that he’s not uncomfortable with you talking about these things and that he seems to want to marry you when it is a responsible decision (you guys can support yourselves). So I wouldn’t hold back anything that you would otherwise say.
That said, you might be torturing yourself by discussing wedding and engagement stuff as often as you are. He’s reiterated that it doesn’t bother him, but if you bring it up often, that’s probably where your mind is. And knowing that you have to wait could be difficult if you’re always thinking about it. I’d suggest trying to keep your mind off of the wedding and engagement topics just so that you don’t have to count days until graduation or worry. If something pops into your head, go ahead and tell him. But you should try to use some control over your thoughts to see if you can keep your mind on the present and not think about an engagment as often.
Post # 6
Girl, you’ve found a keeper 😊
He was very rational and logical, good for him. I say don’t change how you are or how you talk, he’s got a good head on his shoulders so I wouldn’t worry!!
Post # 7
saradiethorne95 : His mindset is in the right place right now. He is still in school and uncertain about jobs. Until you are stable job-wise — both of you — I would leave engagement and marriage off the table. It is a big step…for now focus on your career and focus on stability.