- 6 years ago
I grew up in a very strict, pentecostal christian household.
We pray before every meal, go to church every Sunday, help others in need, etc.
For a long time, because of the constant tension in my home, and what I saw as hypocrisy, I turned away from what I had been brought to believe. I identified strongly with the Agnostic views, and began leaning towards Atheism.
Recently, I have been listening to christian music on the radio. There was no real explanation for the pull to begin listening to it, nor was there a reason for me to begin to read daily devotionals. I did this without really considering why, other than I began to feel a longing that I usually don’t feel. Fiance is definitely atheist, and it was actually a relief, in my mind, to find someone so caring and kind-hearted without mixing religion into it. Until recently. Now, I am not talking about leaving Fiance, because that will never, ever happen. Instead, I am talking about my (lack of) faith.
I pushed so hard against christianity in any form, simply because the product of my enviroment growing up had been a negative one. I had seen so many arguments, fights, and hatred in the name of “God” and his “love”, that I had blinded myself to see who He really is. I saw who my parents made Him to be, and I didn’t like that God one bit.
Now…I am lost. Literally, and figurativelly. I don’t know what to do, or who to turn to. I want to restore a faith with God…and stop fooling myself by pretending I don’t believe, when I know I do. In some small part of my mind, and heart, I know He’s real. I can’t deny it to myself any more. But I don’t know what to do now.
Any words of advice, verses, or anything to help me begin this journey? I am so scared, because for a long time…I turned away. I’ve gone back and forth so many times, it’s almost flippant. I am serious this time, though, and that’s why I’m so scared. I am also hesitant to tell Fiance, because I know his stance on things…and they are very anti-religion. I’m okay with that, because he doesn’t talk about it. But…I need to be able to figure this out. I don’t know what I want to do, and I know I definitely do NOT want to talk to my parents about it, nor do I want to talk to a pastor/counselor just yet. I just need….something. Encouragement? Advice? This is so difficult, and I have been SO emotional lately. I needed to get this off my chest before I go crazy.
Thank you for reading this whole vent. I appreciate being able to come to WB and knowing there are many wonderful women so willing to help with any situation!